Bad Jokes

[MrBen]

Tell me some bad joke, there the best ones.

Here's an example:

Whats red and invisible?

No Tomatoes!

[2ma2]

Oi! 

What did Tarzan say when he saw the big grey elephants?
"Look, here comes the big grey elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the big grey elephants with sunglasses on?
He didn't say anything, cause he didn't recognize them.

How does an elephant hide himself?
Paints his balls red and climbs up a cherry tree,

How did Tarzan die?
He was picking cherries.

[Gregjazz]

Here are some bad jokes:



Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in the hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
A: She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

Q: What do you call a cat with no tail?
A: A Manx cat.

Q: Why do undertakers wear ties?
A: Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Q: Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Two German nuns in the bath and one says "Where's the soap?" The other one says "It's here in the soap dish."

[Vince Twelve]

Geoff, yours are hilarious.

Q: What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?

A: They both have wheels, except for the duck.

Edit:

Oh, and this one which I still enjoy:

[CaptainBinky]

What's brown and sticky?

[Erenan]

A stick.

That is the funniest joke ever conceived.

[Evil]

In school I used to say, "Stop me if you've heard this one. There once was a man from Nantucket-" By then most teachers would shush me, but one time a teacher stared at me daring me to go on.

"Uh... Who tripped and fell in a bucket. The end."

Vince: That comic is great.

[Haddas]

What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
---
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
---
Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
---

Courtesy of you know what ¬¬

[aussie]

What do you call a man with no arms floating in the middle of the ocean?

Bob.

[Gord10]

A woman was walking on a road. She got pregnant. Why?
The road was straight.
---
Well, there are lots of bad jokes I know; I just can't recall them now.

[SSH]

A man goes to the doctor with some lettuce in his ears. The doctor says "that looks nasty". The man says "Nasty? This is just the tip of the iceberg!!!"

Love means never winning at tennis

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

A little boy came home from school with a sofa slung across his back and armchairs under his arms. His Dad said "I told you not to take suites from strangers!"

There are 10 types of people in the world... those that understand binary and those that don't

[veryweirdguy]

What about "your mother" jokes?

Your mother is so obese that she had to have her doorway widened!

Your mother is so obese that she had to have a specially crafted chair to support her ample physique!

Your mother is so unintelligent that her IQ is lower than the national average!

Your mother is so unsatisfactory in the act of sexual intercourse that whenever I partake in the aforementioned act I find myself unfulfilled!

Your mother is so aesthetically unappealing that whenever she walks into a room people will be heard to remark "My, what an aesthetically unappealing woman!"

And so on in that fashion...one of my friends (under the influence of alcohol) went on like that for several hours one night. Uberfun!

[CaptainBinky]

There are 10 types of people in the world... those that understand binary and those that don't

Geek! 

[ildu]

What about "your mother" jokes?

I'm sorry to tell you this, little Timmy, but your mother's obesity and disregard for her health led to various complications and she died last night of a heart attack.

[Nikolas]

Ledgend of the Lost Lagoon,
Indianna Jones and the Fountain of Youth,
A Tale of Two Kingdoms,
Time Traveler and
Gift of Aldora,

Have all been released last night!

[Alynn]

How does Hitler tie his shoesies?

In little Knotzies

Where did Napolean keep his armies?

In his sleevies

[DoorKnobHandle]

Once I went to a fight and a hockey-game broke out.



There, you can lock the thread now!

[CaptainBinky]

Three strings walk into a bar.
First string says to the barman, "Three lagers please barman".
Barman says, "Didn't you see the sign, we don't serve strings here!"
Second string says, "Don't worry lads, I'll sort it out," and he goes to the barman and says, "Three lagers please barman!".
And the barman says, "Look, I've just told your mate, we don't serve strings here!".
Third string thinks, "Right! I'll sort it out!". And he goes to the Gents, ruffles himself up a bit, has a bit of a stretch and a bend, psyches himself up, and goes to the barman and says, "Three pints of lager please, barman!".
The barman eyes him quizzically and asks, "'ere, aren't you just another string?"
And the string says...
"No, I'm a frayed knot!".

Worst.

Joke.

Ever.

[Phemar]

Ok read on for some sick ones ...

(Please don't take offence to these they are only meant in good fun And for the sake of twistedness!)

Q. What's the difference between a baby and a freezer?
A. Freezer doesnt scream when your stick your meat in it.

Q. What's the difference between a pie and a jew?
A. Pies don't struggle when you throw them in the oven.

Q. How do you stop a (insert racial slur) from drowing?
A. Take your foot off his head.

A cow is standing in a field and a dog walks up to him and says, "Gee man, aren't you worried about that Mad Cow's Disease?" and the cow looks at him and replies, "What are you talking about, I'm a helicopter!"

And of course, the ultimate:

Two sausages are in a frying pan, and one sausage looks to the other and says, "My it's hot in here!" The other sausage turns around and replies, "Fancy that, a talking a sausage!"

[CaptainBinky]

How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?

Pokemon.

This works with 150 variations.