Bad Jokes

[Mad-Hatter]

Y'know, I once hid a friend's books in various lockers throughout the school and sent him on a scavenger hunt.


The relevance?


None, really. Just thought you'd like to know.




Here's a bad joke for you (no offense is meant to anyone in the following joke, and if offense is taken I apologize deeply for it):

There's this old priest in a Catholic Church, named Father William. He is bathed every Saturday night by Sister Mary, as the Church tradition requires.
However, Sister Mary, an elderly nun, had gotten a cold, and was forced to appoint another, younger nun to bathe him. So she enlists the help of Sister Helen, a beautiful blond her midtwenties.
"You must bathe him on Saturday night so he may be prepared for Sunday." she says to the young nun, "And no matter what, do NOT look at his private parts."
"I won't." promises sister Helen.


Well, next Sunday Sister Mary feels well enough to go to church. She quickly seeks out Sister Helen and asks, "How did it go?"
"Oh, Sister!" Sister Helen exclaims, "I've been saved!
"Really? How did that come about?"
"I was washing him, as you said, and he led my hands below to his private parts, where I averted my eyes. And he said to me, 'This is the key to heaven.' and he told me that if the key fit my lock, the gates of heaven would open. It was painful at first, but he told me all difficult journies are, and soon the gates of heaven opened, and it was truly bliss."
"He told you that?"
"Yes, sister."
"That old devil!" Sister Mary Exclaims angrily, "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing on it for forty years!"





God's going to condemn me for that.

[deadsuperhero]

MadHatter, that was great.

Here's a few:

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"


here once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.


One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"


It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what
you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors
dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."


Okay, one more for me:

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper.  A man was walking
by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!"  The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk
to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish".  So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught."  The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother
superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".  So the mother superior said
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it."  While she was cleaning the
fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught."  The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish".  So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll cook it".  That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
and he said  "Wow what a nice fish".   And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish."  And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish".  And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish".  And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"

[DGMacphee]

Here's another one my friend told at a comedy gig where the theme was "masturbation jokes":


Why did the chronic masturbating golfer get kicked out of the retirement home?

He tried to shoot one under Pa.

[Afflict]

Well its that time...  :o

CHUCK NORRIS

hehe

Chuck Norris can touch MC HAMMER!

When chuck norris falls into watter he doesnt get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.

When Arnold says "Ill be Back" hes going to fetch Chuck Norris.

Alot of people wear super man pj's Superman wears Chuck Norris Pj's

[bmovements]

This is a restraunt prank:
Go into a restraunt and when they ask your name, tell them, fatasse and spell it without the E, and hopfully it will work

[Scummbuddy]

As a host/watier, I highly doubt that any hostess would fall for that one when they are taking names for a waitlist. If they do, then you need to eat at places that don't hire brain-dead employees.

[LimpingFish]

A chicken and an egg are in bed together. The egg turns to the chicken and says "Well, I guess we answered THAT question."

[Eigen]

King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong.

[HeirOfNorton]

King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong.

Then hit his bong while listening to Wang Chung.

[Domino]

Then, Everybody have fun tonight.

Damn, I use to really love Wang Chung back when i was like 15 years old. I still like their music though.

Sorry for being off-topic.

[Ishmael]

- What proves that Hitler was the worst golfer ever?
- He didn't get out of the bunker.

- How do you get a elephant into the fridge?
- Just open the door, and push the elephant in.

- How do you get a cheetah into the fridge?
- Remove elephant and put cheetah in.

- Which one wins a race, elephant or cheetah?
- Elephant. The cheetah is in the fridge.

[OneThinkingGal and ._.]

What's big, yellow and eats rocks?
A big yellow rock eater.

What's big and white and climbs trees?
A fridge. I lied about it climbing trees.

What's big and white and blue and climbs trees?
A fridge wearing pants. I'm still lying about it climbing trees.

[Paper Carnival]

It was Friday ........ "I peed in the holy water..."

I know it differently:

Four nuns died in an accident and went to heaven where they find St Peter. St Peter tells them that all they have to do to enter heaven is to confess their biggest sin and then do what they are told.

So, the first nun says "Forgive me, for I have watched an R-rated movie". St Peter says "You are forgiven, now go and wash your face with the Holy Water". She walks off, and the fourth nun starts begging St Peter to be next. St Peter refuses and says "Be patient, wait for your turn".

The second nun says "Forgive me, for I have once touched the penis of a man". St Peter says "You are forgiven, now go and wash your hands with the Holy Water".

The fourth nun begins begging again to be next and St Peter asks "Please, be patient. Why don't you just wait for your turn?". The fourth nun says "Father, please, let me drink the water before she sticks her ass in it!"


Another one:

Satan and Jesus were having an debate, and it was decided that they would have a typing competition. Anyway, they were busy typing and Satan was going very fast, whilst Jesus was just typing in a slow relaxed manner. Then suddenly, when there were a few seconds left, the Father intervened, there was a flash of lightening and all the power went off. When it came back on again, they turned on their computers, and Satan had lost everything, but Jesus still had it. Satan started screaming obscenities and asked Jesus "How did you do that?". He replies, "Jesus Saves!"

Another:

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."