Is it Selfish?

[Snake]

My grandmother is in the hospital. Last night she was rushed in for emergency surgery. The doctor told her that she only had a 40% chance of surviving the surgery and a definate death if she didn't have surgery. I thought for sure I'd seen the last of her. Today I visited her in the hospital and though she didn't look that good, it was a huge releaf knowing that she was ok (as far as we know). I cried like a baby tonight. I really got thinking. Why don't I visit her when I know I've got the time and probably should? My sisters live damn far away, and it seems they visit her and gramp more than me and my brothers, and we live right next door. Her near death opened the eyes of me and my brothers. We all love her right to death, and can't picture living on without her around. Tonight also got me thinking. What do I have to look forward in my life? My grandparents dying? My brothers dying? I don't want to live through that pain. It seems like there's nothing but misfortune in my future. What am I going to do without my brothers? I'd be lost. I always think that I'd like to die before everyone else does because I don't want to go through that pain...I honestly wouldn't know how to deal with it, or myself. Is it selfish? Is it selfish to want to take my life just so I don't have to deal with it? I realize that of course they don't want to see me die, but that's just me, one person, they are more than one. My siblings are much older than I am, I often wonder why I was even born...why the hell am I so much younger than everyone else? One brother I know has cancer...it's just started and he hasn't told anyone else but me...and my other brother just doesn't care about anything anymore...he's not a depressing person, don't get me wrong, but he'd be the first out of all of us that would commit suicide, or be killed in a drunk driving accident. He's a partier, and doesn't seem to hold a relationship that well. Every time it seems he finally falls in love with his mate, she fucks him over. It's happened all his life and it's getting to him...it's fucking scary.

I'd also like to take this oppertunity, while I'm half in the bag, to say sorry to everyone. I'm sorry to everyone that I've caused to lose respect in me, or just plain dislike me all together. One good example would be that damned Rap comment I made a long time ago. I ranted on about how much I hate rap and rappers and how they're all the same and so on...of course I was drunk at the time and shouldn't even have wrote a goddamned thing. And one person I know for sure who was offended was Eric. I'm sorry, man. I gave you and everyone else the wrong impression about me. I'm not racist. I shouldn't have said that shit. Just because I don't like rap, doesn't mean everyone else should hate it, you know? I realize that. I know that it wouldn't be one of the most popular music genres in the world if tons of people didn't like it. So if it's that popular, than it can only mean one thing right? It must be good. I know that I don't like it, but that doesn't mean that it isn't good. I remember saying something ignorant like, "...they are the most stereotypical assholes...(blah blah)..." and every fucking time I remember that I feel like a major fuckin dickhead. Everyone has there opinions about everything and I shouldn't in no way have expressed mine so harshly.
All I'm getting at is that I'm sorry about my stupid comments that I might make that might make you feel uncomfortable or whatever. I hate having enemies and that the last thing I want to do with this community since everyone here is the greatest.
I'd also like to take a speacial oppertunity to say sorry to the Squink-man for not participating in his PF2 demo and beta testing...I haven't had much time.

Damn, I'm just rambling now. Hopefully you've made something of this topic. I'm going to bed.


--Snake

[Squinky]

Imigne having a wife and kids along with all the other family. You could just agonize yourself worrying about your children and wife...I don't know what I would do if anybody I care for died. My brother tried the old suicide routine about five years ago, That took a lot to get over. Even to this day I'm real sensitive about it, when people get depressed and start talking suicidal, I freak out.
This is the life we live man and i think its all part of the experience

anyway man i"m cool with the whole beta testing thing< thanks for all the other help youve given me

and i just held down my shift key too long and it wont let me type properly hoop a dee doo

[Sylpher]

When my friends and I finished up our highschool time. Many of us decieded to move to the big city. We all tried to keep in touch as much as possible but you know how life is...you get busy and such. However, one of my friends lived only a few blocks away. A year after living here My friend and I visited him once, maybe twice....and he died from an over dose on pain killers. Never take for granted those who are close to you...it will haunt you every day of your life. I promise.

Not to be dramatic or anything I am glad your grandma is doing well and hope she will recover. Just be glad you didn't have to lose her to learn your lesson.

[Mr Jake]

Never take it for granted, I didnt vist when my Granddad was in hospital a few years ago cause I was scared.... I was only about 10/11..... I hate myself for it, and am breaking down into tears as I write this..

visit as much as you can....

All the best for your Grandma

[Nostradamus]

Dude, first of all since she is OK you shouldn't be so down.
Unfortunately death is part of life. Yes it's painful. Yes it's hard. But that is life and life must go on. You will have to recover deaths of family members through your life. You will have to bear th epain and go on with life. You will create a new family someday and those loved ones will take the place of the ones who died.
Life ain't easy nor it is fair. But you can't let these things brake you. As time passes the pain disappears.

[Nacho]

I can´t say I know what are you feeling but... We all have lost relatives, and, if not, we will. I hope you grandmom and your brother will recover, but everybody will have to face sadness in some times of its lifes. Chineses had a good quote for that...  "This, will also happen" And, yes... the shit happens, and we cannot pass through the live with fear, because there will be bad moments anyway, so we must try to be happy as much as we can. BTW... you have a whole community of AGSers for you, if you feel worse, make us know, some of us will be there.

[12431]

of course it would be selfish of you to kill yourself before anyone else got the chance to die. death is a part of life. and we always get along. my grandpa died early in 1999. i cried for over a week if not more. and even though i did, i got over it. everyone has to much to live for. you wouldn't want your family to go through what you'd get away from.

(just in case: are you suicidal?)

[DGMacphee]

Dear Snake,

I offer my condolences -- I know similar feelings as I've lost a great many people in my life and know some about the pain of loss.

Also, I wish I could answer your questions perfectly, but I can't -- I would seriously like to, but I don't know exactly what to say.

The only person who can answer your questions is you.

I don't mean this as a cruel thing to say, and I don't mean it to reject you or anything -- What I mean is that this is a moment you have to face upon your own terms.

It is a life changing moment -- I can only guarantee that when face it and get through it all, you'll be a better person.

But how you face it -- you must answer those questions deep within you.

Writing on this board has been a first step, as you know what questions to ask and you've vocalised them.

Only you can answer why you're here on this earth and what keeps you going.

Let me share something with you:

When I was a teenager I attempted suicide in front of my own mother.

I had a knife to my wrist ready to cut it while she screamed for me not to do it.

And I couldn't -- not because she didn't want me to, or because I was afraid, but because I couldn't bring myself to do it.

It's like Kafka -- In his will, he asked a personal friend to burn all his original works, but only because he couldn't bring himself to do it when he was alive.

Something keeps us going.

After several years, I found the things in life that keeps me going.

But it was something I had to find out on my own.

Was all the bitterness, anger, and self-loathing worth it?

You bet -- or else I wouldn't be who I am today: someone I'm at least happy with.

If I did it all over again, would I do it differently?

No way -- I'd do it exactly the same, with the same bitterness, anger, and self-loathing.

When we face our fears, our conflict, our hatred, our psychological enemies in life, we develop into better people -- it happens time and time again.

I don't know if this mindless drivel has helped in anyway, but the only thing I can recommend if to go out and find the answers to your questions.

I'll support you in any way I can and I hope everyone else here does too.

As for the Rap stuff, it doesn't matter now -- I know there aren't many people on this forum who hold grudges.

I should know -- a lot of grudges used to be against me.  

Take care, dude -- write again and again with your discoveries.


P.S. If you've taken offence to anything I've written here, please forgive me but this is how it came out -- It's not an answer, but just something to support you along the way.

[Synthetique]

rap IS crap

[Pumaman]

As sad as it is, you have to remember that death is just a part of the cycle of life, and that we will all at some point have to deal with grandparents, parents and maybe even friends dying.

All I can really do is echo Sylpher and say, make the most of the time you can spend with people, because you never know what might happen tomorrow or the day after.

[Andail]

There is a certain reason to why people - and especially young people - feel resistance towards dealing with this kind of issues, like confronting death etc...being young and her son and all, you have this kind of biological essential selfishness, to make sure you will be all right all along...

It's the way of nature.
It wouldn't be the way of nature - and it wouldn't be your mom's wish - that you got all tangled up in pessimistic and depressive ponderings. We are designed to give a certain amount of support and empathy, but not enough to bring us down in the dumps.

I hope everything goes well for your mom and you.

[Trapezoid]

I'd like to add, all throughout your life, you should make the effort to surround yourself with many great friends and family members. Dealing with the death of others is inevitable, and it will make you sad, but it should never make you feel lonely.

[Raggit]

Snake I know EXACTLY what you're talking about.  I used to feel like that all the time. I always used to think I wanted to die before everybody else did and stuff. But now I want to live a long life and experience as much of it as I can becuase it is too sweet to miss out on. Let me tell you, it slowly subsides after time. It may take awhile but it will go sooner or later. It may not completely leave you but most of it probably will.

As corny as it may be, I started feeling this way after our dog died. I was really attactched to her and I couldn't help but think how much more painful it'd be if one of my human family members died.

For me it took awhile to get over anyways. I don't think I'm totally over it though. I do still worry about my loved ones dying but there isn't anything I can do about it.  We just get old and die.  But it isn't as grim as it sounds.  Like Sylph and CJ said, get the most out of it you can.  

And think back over your life and look at all that you've done and experienced.  Look at all the fullfillments and so on. It makes you feel good about your life.  

[Dave Gilbert]

First off Snake, my condolences on what you're going through.  It's always awful when bad things happen to those you love.

I'll tell you a little something that happened to me two years ago.  I never really talked about it before, but it certainly made me think of these things in a different light.

As you may or may not know, I live in New York City.  We all know what happened on September 11th, 2001 in NYC, but what also happened was my grandmother's funeral.  For my family, burying our grandmother after seeing the towers on fire was one of the worst days of our lives.

However.

It made me realize something.  It was impossible for me to feel sorry for myself.  How could I feel selfish and sorry for myself, when thousands of people were dead or dying less than twenty miles away from where we were?   My grandma lived a very blessed and, for the most part, happy life.  She died very peacefully with her entire family around her.  She taught us.  She touched us.  She loved us.  I feel lucky just to have known her.

I guess what  I mean to say is, count yourself lucky that you have people like that in your life.  If you love them (and you obviously do) they'll know it.  Regardless of what might happen tomorrow, you will always have that.  Be there for them as best as you can.  Learn from them.  Just be you.  They wouldn't love you if you were anyone else.

[Snake]

Thank you everybody. I can always count on you guys to make me feel better. You're all inteligent, funny and inspiring. I love you all. This whole community kicks ass. Chris, your engine is the best gaming engine out there, not only does it bring joy and happiness adventure game-wise, but it brings all of us from all over the world together.

Yes, it is selfish. Although it's going to be hard as hell to deal with come crunch time, indeed I will move on. Death isn't something you just get over, I don't think. Maybe not so much as getting over it, but more like excepting and moving on. It's going to hurt for a long time when any of my friends/relitives pass away, but I guess the best way to move on is to think of the happy times I've had with them, not about the time I won't have.

DG, don't worry, I haven't taken offence at all. You've done nothing but help, so I thank you.

12431, I've thought about it before, like what would things be like if I was gone, how would people react, how would I do it, what would be the easiest and less painful way...but I don't concider myself suicidal, I don't think I'd really actually be able to go through with it, no matter how depressed I'd be.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. Eventhough you didn't have to tell them, you did, and you did it to help me out which means a lot.

As for my grandmother, I didn't get a chance to visit her today, but one of my sisters did and she says that she looked a bit better than what she did yesterday. Her doctor said that she might be healed enough to come home sometime next week.


--Snake

[Timosity]

It's not selfish as such, everybody's world revolves around them (physically) if they like it or not, I can't really add to what anybody else has said, obviously death is a part of the cycle of life, people have to die to leave space for the newbies (it's over crowded in some parts already)

You have to deal with death and illness in your life, just take the positives out of what you have gained from them and it can only make you a stronger person. The inevitable will always win out eventually, whether it be now or in the distant future. Everyday is a new adventure game
So live now and don't regret anything, everything happens for a reason, whether it be logical or what you want, is irrelevant.

Humans are very adaptable to situations, I hope your Grandmother pulls through, and I hope your brother can make it through the tough times too.

Life is a gift, use and abuse it while you can.

[Ghostmaker]

Like much of our fellow AGS's, I feel sadened by situation which most have been through, including myself. I got real down after i lost my closest friend, and to cut a long story short, the only what i got throught it was religon. (im not pushing my religon so i aint going to mention it) it gave me hope that death is not the end, and there is things to look forward to in life. Always surround your self with real friends which you can lean on, and if your not feeling happy,go out and do somthing kind or nice, or somthing you will enjoy, people can make there own happyness.

Best wishes to you and your family.
  p.s. dont feel guilty you dont visit enought, be thankful you can visit at all.

[Hobbes]

A lot of great things have already been said here, which I can only second.

As DG put it, it's a struggle we must go through.

The human spirit (or mind) is a remarkable thing. Weigh it down, and it takes on the weight, and continues. As long as there is a will to drive it. Face it with strength, which I'm sure you will, and good will come from it.

Take care, and best wishes to your family.