What do you make of internet relationships?

[Peter Thomas]

Right, so... I'm feeling rather awkward explaining why I'm even asking this.

Well, a friend of mine recently moved, and we figured since we couldn't geographically be together, it would be easier if we chatted, but she absolutely refuses to use msn, so I downloaded yahoo messenger.

Of course, interest got the better of me and I ventured into the chat rooms. It was purely to check the place out, and see if there were as many "63/m/cali hairy dads" as are rumoured. I popped into a gay chatroom and - amidst all the "c2c?" and "wanna be tied up?" invitations which I kindly turned down - I actually got chatting to 23 year old guy, and found out he only lived about an hour away from me.

This only happened on Friday night, and I talked to him again last night. Both occassions we were up chatting into the wee hours of the morning. Now, don't get me wrong - I was purely looking for friendship, and I'm not trying to get this guy to fall in love with me or whatever whatever. This is not to say I am against the possibility of anything happening, just that I'm not about to pretend I'm in love with a guy I barely know. We exchanged numbers and he called me just to say "goodnight".

Anyway, this wasn't meant to turn into a love story (it ISN'T, let me stress. Again, all I'm there for is friendship). I'm just interested in what other people have learned from 'net relationships'. Have you had a good experience? Been badly burned by them? Not looking for advice, just hoping to hear someone else with exciting stories...

[shbaz]

Didn't work. Twice.

[edmundito]

I would not recommend it, unless such person lived in the same city and you could actually meet all the time. Or permanently move. The infamous Yahtzee moved all the way from England to somewhere in Brisbane, Australia.

I happen to know a couple of people who have this online relationship since like they were 14-15, and I think it's done to them more harm than good. They're constantly fighting but  because they have this weird thing over the time they've tried to keep the relationship going, plus they feel socially awkward since they spent like 5 years on the net away from everybody only talking to themselves. So, they break up, realize that no one out there who knows them as well as each other do, and they get back together. It's like one of those vicious cycles.

The only online relationships I would approve is with people who live in the same area and I can hang out with. For example, I kind of knew some people in high school, but we really got to a trusting friendship after I got their IM names and talked to them.

Search the gen gen  forums, I think there's a thread similar to this one

[Helm]

if 'you've found youself' in a gay chatroom, all pretense aside, chances are you're looking for a date of some sort. That's partly the function of the channel, as you've seen yourself. I think you need to be more honest about whether you're interested in this person romantically, and if so plan accordingly. The ambivalent 'oh this is friendship but if more happens ok' thing I think is not really gonna help. Gameplan. Usually, however, internet dating things go to hell.

[Peter Thomas]

Helm, yeah, I understand that I wasn't really explaining myself well, I just couldn't think of what I wanted to say exactly.

I didn't mean it sound like "oh, I accidentally found myself in a chat room...". Of course I went in there deliberately, but - to be completely honest - I've never been in a chatroom as "commercially public" like that in my life, so I went in just to get a feel of what is was like. And I didn't have any intentions on finding a date. If I had, I would've visited the romance section with alluring lounge-names like "Swedish boys on open cam!!!!!!!!18+!!!" and "Mississippi boys for older dads". I was actually in the "culture and interests" section (I think that's what it's called, anyway), and I was just curious to see a gay chatroom in there, so I clicked.

As to explain the 'ambivalence' of my friendship/lust, it's like this (assuming you're straight/attracted to females): If you sit down at the bus-stop and a gorgeous girl sits next to you, and you get into an engaging, mentally-stimulating conversation, you're obviously not going to be AGAINST the idea of pursuing something more romantic with her, but that's not the reason you're talking to her, and you're certainly not going to leap all over her just because she's interesting the first few times you talk. That's how it was.

This guy does have "boyfriendish" qualities (from what I've seen so far, anyway), I'm not going to deny that, but so do a lot of my friends, and I'm sure that's the same for many of you. Of course I'm going to get to know the guy better: he's a nice fellow!: but I'm not doing it inentionally for the purposes of securing myself a parter. Not in the least. Although, as I said, at this point in time (not knowing enough about him to make an informed opinion), I can't be actively against the prospect of anything more happening either.

I know there's a terrible stigma over the "internet relationship" thang, and I don't have my hopes up about coming away with a "new best friend" or "life-long partner". He's just a nice guy I met chatting, and I was interested to see what other experiences people had had...

Although so far it isn't terribly encouragin

[Kinoko]

No problems here because I've been living with my "internet friend" for almost 5 years now ^_^ I'd say don't expect anything from it and don't meet for a while... a long while really. Not until you really are quite familiar with that person (of course, as much as you CAN be on the internet). Even if it is a friendship and not a dating thing, you still have to be careful.

That aside, yeah, nothing wrong with it! It's just another way to meet people these days.

[Peter Thomas]

Ah, thanks kinoko. Always nice to see a little glint in the murky waters.
5 years? Wow. I guess other nice people really do use the internet after all...

[TheYak]

I looked into it, as much for the finding mutual interests bit as for dating potential.  I think the important thing is to realize that an internet relationship isn't worthwhile in and of itself.  It's similar to how you shouldn't make life-long plans based upon lengthy sessions on telephone chat lines.  Kinoko's right, though, it is just another way of meeting people and actually gives you a more anonymous place from which to screen them. 

I have one person that I met via the internet - turned out live in same town, etc., and it's worked out great.  I hang out with them on a regular basis and we've helped each other through some touch times.  No romantic possibilities but a very worthwhile friendship.  Just don't count anything you read as being the absolute truth. 

My ex has had several dating encounters via online services.  So far, most have been rather nice but they didn't hit it off on a long-term basis for one reason or other.  Only one (out of four) was potentially scary, but not in a physical violence/stalking kind of way, just in a "You need to seek therapy before you're dating material" way.

[Yuzster]

Yeah, see, usually the problem with internet relationships is the distinct lack of sex. Also, anything you type to the other person will inevitably be cheesy.

However, if you met the person online and know him in real life, why not? If he's a nice guy, I mean. Most of the people I interact with online are people I talk to because I find them interesting and they have appealing personalities. If that is coupled with a psychical attraction, then that's cool. That's more than cool, that's totally hot.

I have now been awake for fifty-something hours so you might wanna disregard this completely.

[Hobbes]

...

[stuh505]

I don't have time to read everything that's been said but before I go...let me just say...

internet relationships dont work out

at least not for the 14-20 age group

[Kinoko]

...apart from me ^_^ I was 14 when I met my boyfriend online and moved in him with at 17/18. Now 22.

[Andail]

Kinoko, that's quite an achievement.
Noone is entitled to say "internet dating doesn't work", since a lot of people obviously meet in this manner, and heck, dating in real life has a pretty low success rate for most people as well.

Then again, a date can be successful even if it doesn't lead to sex and children and whatnot; just chatting to new people will grant you many experience points.

[edmundito]

...apart from me ^_^ I was 14 when I met my boyfriend online and moved in him with at 17/18. Now 22.

Well, the part that worked out is that you moved in with him. What if you hadn't moved in with him and still kept a long distance thing until today? Did you guys live pretty close to each other...?

....just adding some extra discussion in this thread.

[Helm]

I understand what you mean better now, Peter. My main point before was to get it across that it can even become grating to go back and forth a lot about what you want to do with a relationship. I like clear intentions, and the lack of the mating ritual games, if possible, but that's just me. It seems you just found a guy you find intellectually stimulating, and are open to the posibility of a physical relationship occuring. Great for you. I think - in contrast to Kinoko - that you should meet as soon as possible, and see how you gel in real life. Kinoko might have had a successful relationship online and offline for a lot of years, so you might want to take her word over mine, but I think her advice to only meet after a long time only applies to people that actually *are* 14 when they get into this. As you're not so young, and seem to know what you're doing quite well, I don't think you should delay any more than the two of you want to. In fact, I think sticking to chatrooms for too long will potentially exhaust any chance there was for a romantic relationship.

[Pumaman]

I have to admit, I am hugely skeptical about internet relationships. Sure, if you've met someone in real life and then continue your relationship online, that's all well and good; but if you meet someone in an internet chat room or whatever, it's rather dangerous territory. People lie much more easily when they're at their computer screen than they would in real life, and you never really know whether you're really talking to a nice young lady or an 85-year-old man called Keith.

Obviously there are exceptions as in Kinoko's case, but personally I'm always suspicious about this type of thing.

[MrColossal]

* Eric makes obvious and yet hilarious joke about CJ not wanting to start an internet relationship with him

There, now that's out of the way

[Pumaman]

I did say there were exceptions for special people, eric ...

[stuh505]

Then again, a date can be successful even if it doesn't lead to sex and children and whatnot; just chatting to new people will grant you many experience points.

Well, this is a good point.

One thing I've certainly learned from internet relationships is that it's very easily to quickly feel as though you've found a soul-mate because people are very good at adapting who they are, or making you like the way they are, when your only connection to them is so distant.Ã,  They can filter out the bad and hype up the good.

Then when you meet them, you can't help but be shocked by the fact that they don't look anything like their BEST photograph, and you don't have anything in common in real life yet somehow you managed to think so in a digital world.Ã,  In short it's very easy for incompatible people to feel compatible over the internet.

I wouldn't rule out internet dating...I would just say, that from what I have learned from myself and my friends, that anyone you start to talk to on the internet....you should think to yourself why do I like this person are weÃ,  really good for each other...

and WHY are we both online enough to make this happen.  Is this a person who likes to do nothing but sit around and chat all day?  Will that bother you when you get together and all they want to do is chat with other people on the internet instead of hanging out with you and doing the things you want? 

You KNOW they're going to be filtering the perspective of them that they show you' even if you've been talking to them for years the chances are that you know the side of them that they want you to know.  Everyone is beautiful from the inside and if they can get you to see their life from the inside it will look beautiful too, no matter how much you might hate them after getting to see an unfiltered version of their life.

And whats more, is that you OWN mind is going to be filtering the filtered version of what they show you.  Double filtering.  Because you will unconsciouslly downplay and forget about the aspects you hear that you don't like, and up-play and fantasize about the aspects you DO like.

[Peter Thomas]

Because you will unconsciouslly downplay and forget about the aspects you hear that you don't like, and up-play and fantasize about the aspects you DO like.

I'm not too sure if I agree with that. We've talked about dislikes, things that irritate him, characteristics in people that really piss him off. I certainly take that very seriously and don't filter it at all. If anything, I probably place a slightly stronger emphasis on the bad than the good. And I think most people do the same. Of course, if the other person lies flat out to you, then your perception is jilted, but that's through no fault of your own.

I'm also very wary about these people turning out to be nothing like who they say they are. I've heard all too many stories about how 16/f/cali turned into 50/m/zambia. I think a level of skepticism is healthy, but at the same time, you do need to be open to the fact that not everyone is like that. We've exchanged plenty of photos of each other, so unless he's using his son's pics or something like that... And we've chatted on the phone, and he certainly doesn't sound like a grandfather. So, for now, I'm willing to assume he's telling the truth. We're thinking about meeting up soon-ish. I guess I will finally know for sure then...