DG's Tech Support Service

[Ben]

Dear DG,

Do black guys really have bigger dicks than white guys? If so, why are we TRYING TO STOP RACISM?

[Squinky]

Dear DG,

Do white guys really have smaller dicks than us black guys? If so....then why....er...

[Simple]

Take that, Pedro.

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

I used to visit these boards frequently, but have had a recent extended absence.  I've returned, but one of my old friends is asking me about turning one of his posts into a weekly Competition-like thing in the Comps and Activities thread.  I know that our forefathers died so that I'd have the right to vote, but I'm not sure what to do.

How should I vote?



--Mister P____

Vote NAY! -- He sounds like an utter twat!

And if he's a friend of yours, you're a fool to even associate with such a cretin!

Dear Daniel,

How many eggs do I need to do an omlette?

Yours faithfully,
Boris

You don't need any eggs to do an omlette -- just some lube and a vibrating bed.

Make sure you give your omlette some foreplay first, such as teasing the nipples and rubbing the thighs.

However, if you really wish to use eggs, I suggest a whisk for beating them, but that's pretty damn kinky!

But whatever happens, don't forget to tell your omlette you still will respect it in the morning -- But don't eat it!

Dear DG,

Do black guys really have bigger dicks than white guys? If so, why are we TRYING TO STOP RACISM?

Don't you remember those immortal words by Martin Luthur King?

"I have a dream... that all white men will be envious over the size of our dicks!"

And how so! -- Man, that Luther King sure is a soothsayer!

You see, racism was just a front -- It was all about penis envy.

Luckily, white men are starting to realise that it's okay to have a tiny dick, which brings me to my next question:

Dear DG,

Do white guys really have smaller dicks than us black guys? If so....then why....er...

Seriously, they do have smaller dicks -- I looked at mine recently: very small, like a shrivelled sardine.

However, white guys have bigger testicles so it all balances out in a ying-yang kinda way.

As for Asian guys, they give good head.

* DGMacphee dreams of Gilbert...

[Scavenger]

Dear DG

I woke up this morning, only to find that my house had been taken over by millions of insane rabbits that laugh manically. Should I charge them rent, or kick them out because I don't allow pets? Even as I type they're plotting to take over the world. Do I consult a doctor for their megalomania?

Yours
        Anymonuse

[Squinky]

When setting the table, which side of the plate should the salad fork go?

[Felipe]

Dear DeeGee,
I received a fresh info that there's gonna be a terrorist attack against our beloved American President, Mr. George W. Bush.
Now I can choose between warning the FBI, the CIA and the Secret Service to protect him or take photographs of this (future) historical moment and maybe even win some photograph contest with the pics.
Now I want an advice, based on your philosophical thoghts,  beliefs and faith...
Should I take the photographs in colour or in black & white?

Truly yours,  
-Felipe

[Simple]

Hey, wait up...

Let me explain my "take that pedro" above.

Chris Jones had replied to the black/white penis questions with a handy dandy chart that mapped the average lengths of caucasions, african americans, asians and hispanics...hispanics being ranked favorably low...

So WHERE did the chart go?  Is Chris embarrased of his knowledge of minority genitalia?  Don't be, we're all friends her, and I want to needle some asians.

[Squinky]

And we all just chalked that up to your "wackyness"

--edit----

Holy crap, I somehow managed time travel...

* Squinky runs from the time police

[Domino]

Dear DG,

I'm a white guy hung like a black guy. I can barely walk. what should i do?

anonymous

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG

I woke up this morning, only to find that my house had been taken over by millions of insane rabbits that laugh manically. Should I charge them rent, or kick them out because I don't allow pets? Even as I type they're plotting to take over the world. Do I consult a doctor for their megalomania?

Yours
        Anymonuse

OMG!!1! FURRY FAN!!11!

When setting the table, which side of the plate should the salad fork go?

Umm... The salad side?

Dear DeeGee,
I received a fresh info that there's gonna be a terrorist attack against our beloved American President, Mr. George W. Bush.
Now I can choose between warning the FBI, the CIA and the Secret Service to protect him or take photographs of this (future) historical moment and maybe even win some photograph contest with the pics.
Now I want an advice, based on your philosophical thoghts,  beliefs and faith...
Should I take the photographs in colour or in black & white?

Truly yours,  
-Felipe

Black and white -- they're easier to photoshop to add aliens and shit.

Dear DG,

I'm a white guy hung like a black guy. I can barely walk. what should i do?

anonymous

CRAWL LIKE THE MAGGOT YOU ARE!!!

[Minimi]

Dear DG,

I have this question I can't possibly answer, and I'm sure you've got an answer to it.

If God is able to do everything, can he also make a stone, that he can't pick up himself?

[Nacho]

Dear Daniel:

Which part of the egg is needed for making meringue? The clear one or the yellow?

Dear Daniel: Toasts allways fall to the floor with the mermelade side.

Cats allways fall by feet.

What should happen if he attach a toast to a cat´s back?  

[Pumaman]

Chris Jones had replied to the black/white penis questions with a handy dandy chart that mapped the average lengths of caucasions, african americans, asians and hispanics...hispanics being ranked favorably low...

So WHERE did the chart go?  Is Chris embarrased of his knowledge of minority genitalia?  Don't be, we're all friends her, and I want to needle some asians.

Oh hehe I posted it as a joke, but then when I re-checked I realised it was actually some serious research, and I thought a serious answer didn't really fit with the tone of the thread, so I removed it

If you must see the chart again, it's here: http://www.sizesurvey.com/fig5.gif

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

I have this question I can't possibly answer, and I'm sure you've got an answer to it.

If God is able to do everything, can he also make a stone, that he can't pick up himself?

Yes -- He's God and he can do anything he wants.

If the old coot wants to make a stone that he can't lift up, then by all means he can do that.

AND WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION GOD, PUNY MORTAL?!?!?!

Dear Daniel:

Which part of the egg is needed for making meringue? The clear one or the yellow?

Why the hell would you want to make meringue???

Make an omlette -- they're way more fun!  

Dear Daniel: Toasts allways fall to the floor with the mermelade side.

Cats allways fall by feet.

What should happen if he attach a toast to a cat´s back?  

You get a very pissed-off cat.

[Simple]

Okay, DG, riddle me this.

Two guys are heading for the station.

One is praying for the train to be on time because if it is late he will miss a vital flight connection and surely miss seeing his dying father in another country.

The other guy is praying the train will be late.  He is racing in a traffic-bound taxi to the station, travelling to see his dying father in a hospital and if he misses the train, he will not make it.

What does God do with the train?

(I borrowed this question from Pete Townshend's website, but I want to know your take on it, great and knowledgable one :-) )

[DGMacphee]

Okay, DG, riddle me this.

Two guys are heading for the station.

One is praying for the train to be on time because if it is late he will miss a vital flight connection and surely miss seeing his dying father in another country.

The other guy is praying the train will be late.  He is racing in a traffic-bound taxi to the station, travelling to see his dying father in a hospital and if he misses the train, he will not make it.

What does God do with the train?

(I borrowed this question from Pete Townshend's website, but I want to know your take on it, great and knowledgable one :-) )

He says, "Fuck it! I gave man freewill! Let 'em sort it out themselves!"

Then he puts his feet up on his genuine leather-bound foot-rest (only the best for God) and invites Buddha and Krishna over for afternoon martinis!

I think it'd look something like this:



EDIT: As an afterthought, if the two father were good, they get to join God for martinis so it all works out -- HAPPY ENDING!!!!

EDIT No 2: Unless they were bad -- In that case, they join Satan for shandies!

[Andail]

now that really makes you think doesn't it

[Pumaman]

I feel enlightened. The whole life and existence thing just seems to make so much more sense now.

[Simple]

Okay, as I said, I got this from Pete's website...and I have something to say.

Pete's solution was this:
"If I were God, and I wanted to be fair, I'd feel I must cancel the train altogether.  God, I think, must be a little more creative than that, otherwise he'd never have thought of the need for irony in the first place."

And I must say that, DG, your solution was definitely more creative...right down to the Dalek.  Absolutely lovely.  If anyone else was in the room, I'd stand up and applaud you.

So long story short, you're my new God.  Want me to sacrifice anything?  I'm new to all this.