Seeking approval

[Peter Thomas]

wow - this thread really got me thinking, you know. There aren't too many threads I read that make me think "I wonder..."

I have always had approval from my parents, but it doesn't seem 'sincere' to me, since there are many aspects of my life they don't know about, and would probably change their view of me slightly. I always used to be a social outcast at primary school. I only had one friend, and he had a severe speech-impediment that meant he was the most picked-on guy in the school. In the end we got into a fight (over REALLY trivial stuff) and for the last six months of my primary-school life I didn't have one person I felt I could talk sincerely to.

I guess this effected the way I entered highschool: vary wary, and avoiding the 'popular' people. As the years went on I made more and more friends, and while I was never popular, I could safely say I had a network of friends. But it was never strong enough for me. I felt like the kid who sits on the outside of the circle looking in, and no one looks back to see if you are okay. In order to get attention I became a terrible liar, and would make up the BIGGEST crap in the world. Seriously - you would not believe how much crap I could spin when the 'need' came to me.

Beginning of last year, however, I re-affirmed my Christian faith, and suddenly just emerged from my shell. I changed my body image completely, as a sort of sign that I was a new person, and now that I'm at uni, I have a bunch of great, sincere friends that I can talk to about anything.

So you ask what kept me going for almost-eleven years that I was an outcast? And you know, what - I have no idea. It wasn't my parents; they didn't know how much of a 'loser' I was, and I certainly didn't have too many friends to rely on, so I can only say I went on because I HAD to...