Poker Night: A Ten-Minute Play (Some C&C Required.. :-p)

LGM · Sun 09/05/2004 02:26:05

Well.. Now that I know my screenwriting skills need works, what do you make of my play writing skills?

http://www.fbc-bettendorf.com/lgm/docs/poker_night.pdf

This play was performed in front of a live audience.

It was also submitted into a 10-Minute Play Contest, but did not win..

What are your ideas?

And yes, it's a bloody PDF, so quit yer whining.

Renal Shutdown · Sun 09/05/2004 03:15:27

Does it have a scene structure?

Evil · Sun 09/05/2004 04:49:46

Post some stuff that you havent used yet! Stop giving us this old crap.

LGM · Sun 09/05/2004 14:04:11

It's only old to you, Harry. So hush. Anyways, I'm thinking of fixing it up and submitting it to other contests.

Iqu: Do you mean, did I write a scene scructure before I wrote the dialog? No, I wrote this back in December.. And it's only one scene, as it's a 10-Minute Play.

But don't let that stop you from reading it. This one actually made the audience laugh. Not at the script, but because it was actually funny.

12431 · Sun 09/05/2004 19:09:17

I liked it a lot

Blackthorne · Sun 09/05/2004 19:22:13

www.zoetrope.com

LGM · Sun 09/05/2004 20:15:58

Wow.. That link is awesome.. Never heard of that before, but definitely will join.

What did you like specifically 12431?

Blackthorne · Mon 10/05/2004 01:19:06

LGM,

Sorry I didn't post more earlier, I was kind of in a hurry..... yeah, you should join zoetrope. You can get all kinds of reviews, and ideas and meet many screenwriters and playwrights. Some scripts on there have actually been sold. I find it very useful for commentary on your writing......... for anyone else, there's also places to post poetry, short fiction, fiction.... if you're creative, check it out ..... www.zoetrope.com

Bt

LGM · Mon 10/05/2004 04:29:07

I guess I should use this post for some pimpage.

If you have OpenOffice, and want to write screenplays with the right format, I have the program for you.

Yes, that's right, I have just created a template for OpenOffice that enables you to write screenplays. (Yes, I know it's already been done, but mine looks prettier)

Behold, ScreenPlate v1.0 Beta!

LGM · Tue 11/05/2004 05:23:05

**bump**

12431 · Tue 11/05/2004 20:54:27

Quote from: LilGryphMaster on Sun 09/05/2004 20:15:58
What did you like specifically 12431?

that whole sarcasmtrip was funny

kinda liked it. my kinda humor

LGM · Tue 11/05/2004 21:26:23

Anyone else? Eric? Layabout?

Esseb · Wed 12/05/2004 00:06:50

I don't know how to critique anything but the layout you made with ScreenPlate v1.0 Beta!, which does look nice. The play itself would just make me feel akward sitting in the theatre watching it. It all seems so pointless. I could comment on how little the audience sees to Bob before he's exposed as a fraud, why would they care? I don't understand why Bob is in it at all so I have no suggestions to give.

I do have one proper critique though: The various detailed descriptions seem like they would be quite difficult to spot on the stage, especially from one of the back seats.

I was going to quote one of them but your pdf seems to be b0rked and I can't be arsed to type it. I'm referring to the one beginning on the end of page 3 and the one where Bob mixes the drink. They're the most action filled parts of the script and we have to keep our eyes open in case we miss it when we blink. Perhaps add some sort of dialogue during the drink mixing scene. I find it odd that the three other people would just sit frozen for the minute or so it would take for the drink to be finished. Again with the pointlessness, why let Bob pour the Vermoth into Garry's drink? There is no purpose. Garry spits it out and that's it. What was the purpose of Bob's drink mixing at all besides the Bond reference?

Nice layout though.

LGM · Wed 12/05/2004 00:58:22

I should say that I didn't write this play with ScreenPlate.. heh I wrote it with Final Draft (before I quit pirating).

I guess you're right with the minute actions that would be hard to see. I wrote this with the knowledge that it would be performed on a small stage, where the audience is on the same level and quite close to the action.

Also, I did find it kind of awkard that they sit while he mixes the drink. But it worked very well when we performed it. It's a very fast sequence, in all reality, but you might not catch that from the script.

Anyways.. As you referred to.. There really IS no purpose to the script. It's just a quirky little sketch I put out because my friend wanted to direct an original play. There's really no underlying meaning, hidden messages, symbols, or much irony. Just fun.

Also.. Bob was put in as the conflict character. Point of interest. I'll try to lengthen the play a bit to flesh him out. I just made his breakdown overly dramatic for comedic purposes. The audience seemed to like it.

Esseb · Wed 12/05/2004 01:09:57

Then why post it for us to comment? Other than the picky comment above I can't think of anything further to say other than whether I liked it or not.

LGM · Wed 12/05/2004 01:28:02

Well.. How bout that.. Did you like it?

I will try to change the things you said, don't get me wrong. I was just providing some info for you.

Also, what about the dialogue? I've always thought my dialogue sucks.