WW! Story

[MarVelo]

I am writing a story about three american soldiers in WW1. Tell me what you think of what I have so far.

EDIT: Its only a page and a half
EDIT2: Please someone read this! I really like to have my stuff read for ideas etc.

WW! Story

[El Drey]

I read it! I liked it!

Just some nitpicking (as I really enjoy that...)

- You describe the weaponry well. That's obvious since war is all about weapons. But the weapons are a little too similar to those of WW2, IMO (this stands for "In My Opinion", right?). I get confused. However, when I looked it up, it appears to be correct, only I didn't find anything about WW1 silencers. If you can, try to find some weapons that were distinct to WW1 (think 'cheap revolvers'), just to avoid confusion. With all those WW2 films and series... Also, "Luger" is an Anglicised name, the Germans call it a Walther P-something-something. But hey, you're writing from the allied POV, so who cares.

-I think Wilson's case is... rather extraordinary. On one hand, I don't think his name sounds very Italian, but then again, "What's in a name..."? On the other hand, he got hit by a sniper bullet, and therefore he had to choose between home or Special Operations? That's quite an extreme dilemma, no?

- Isn't it strange that English maps are found in the German HQ? Since Germans speak... well... German?

- Finally, I got the impression that the names you use sound more British than American. American soldiers in WW1 were mostly immigrants, I presume, so some Irish or Italian names couldn't hurt... But once again, I refer to the Shakespearian line above.

This is, as I said, nitpicking. I look for details, that seem strange. They don't actually bother me, so I guess there's nothing wrong.
I liked the story, and I'm actually curious how the guys are going to get out of the mess they're in to.

Good job, keep going, and see you in the trenches!

[esper]

Hmm. It was alright, although I'm not one for war stories. I'll leave the spelling errors and grammatical errors alone for now and focus on just a couple things, most of which fell in the first paragraph...

1) Dull, faded, wool, olive uniform? Four adjectives in a row? Dull and faded mean nearly the same thing anyway.

2) How can something be "nearly years old?" This would only make sense if "years" wasn't quite such a nebulous term. It could mean two or ten.

3) I had to read the phrase which incorporated the word "behind them" several times before I figured out exactly what it meant.

4) The phrase "daring young men in their flying machines." While you may have liked the movie, this is totally inappropriate. First off, the "omniscient" narrator would not be quite so omniscient at this time as to actually know the name of that movie so long before it was actually made, and it really just detracts from the story. You're writing a gritty combat story and incorporate the title of a comedy as a line in it.

5) You didn't need to tell us the exact height, weight, size, shape, ATM card number, birthday, social security number, and number of hairs on the head of the first enemy soldier they encountered. He only lived a couple seconds anyway.

6) Don't have the narrator call people "saps."

I think, overall, especially based on your writing style, that you should write from first person, but that's just me. Then, for example, you have the narrator calling the Kraut a "sap" rather than a completely nuetral third party that's just telling the story.

Other than that, you did have numerous spelling and grammatical problems. Read your story out loud and make sure everything sounds good and logical before being satisfied with it. If it doesn't sound like someone actually talking, there's a problem.

[InCreator]

You seem to be forgetting the fist rule of any literature:

Descriptions == Boring
Action == Interesting

Well, with that noted down, I actually like the story, or - since there's very little of story yet - the atmosphere.

One technical suggestion though - format text before letting/asking people to read it. Few empty lines that divide writing into portions would improve alot, I think. Of course, that's not anything I couldn't do myself. But if your primary objective was to get people reading this, you should have preformatted it.

So, insert empty lines after every section or so.

Also... (though this is something to be done when most of the story is ready) give sections more logical content. I mean, let every section deal with one matter at the time - don't make a 5-sentence section where people are described, a dialog is going on and also some action happens. Simply - make literature, not salad.

Make separate sections for separate things, like descriptions, action, flashbacks, action and dialogues. This way the reader could catch up with thinking and doesn't have to change thinkline after every sentence.

Well, that was more like general writing tips, not direct criticism. Good luck to you.


P.S - Using imperial units is stupid. Even Americans are slowly coming to this conclusion. Of course, depends on what audience you aim... But I - for example...

average enemy soldier, about 5' 9", average weight,

...didn't have a clue what you just said there. Long solider? Shorty? Hell knows. Do I care?

You describe the weaponry well. That's obvious since war is all about weapons

Huh? I didn't read anything I wouldn't know or haven't been heard of already - from all these numerous FPSes and movies
around today...

[Alun]

I haven't had a chance to read the story yet myself, but just a few comments on...well, the last comment:

So, insert empty lines after every section or so.

I think when InCreator refers to "sections", he means paragraphs...

P.S - Using imperial units is stupid. Even Americans are slowly coming to this conclusion.

I strongly disagree here--in terms of the story, that is, not in general.  If you're writing a WWI story from an American point of view, you definitely want to use Imperial units, not metric.  Sure, metric units are easier to deal with.  Sure, Imperial units aren't used outside America and England.  Sure, in the scientific world, everyone uses metric units.  But among Americans, even today Imperial units are much better known, and in the times of WWI that was even more true.  Americans of that time (and still today, to only a slightly lesser degree) would have been far more likely to think in Imperial units than metric.

But I - for example...

average enemy soldier, about 5' 9", average weight,

...didn't have a clue what you just said there. Long solider? Shorty? Hell knows. Do I care?

If you don't care, what does it matter whether you can tell from the measurement whether the soldier's tall or short anyway?  Besides, for an American it would be the other way around.  If you said "about 1.75 meters", then most Americans would have no idea without further context whether that was tall, short, or average.  (Heck, I wouldn't myself, without doing the calculations to convert it to Imperial units--I may be a scientist and use metric units in my work, but in terms of height I still think in feet and inches.)

[InCreator]

I think when InCreator refers to "sections", he means paragraphs...

Yes. Though I knew the word, I think I have never used it before so I couldn't remember it now either.

If you're writing a WWI story from an American point of view, you definitely want to use Imperial units, not metric.

Oh. Yes, this sounds correct also. I can't imagine US or British solider telling a tale and using SI system. But...
Then I think it's wiser to simply go for comparasions, not numbers.
And first of all, is this data important? WW stories are about feelings, relationship and bullets as much as I've read them.

[MarVelo]

Thank you everyone and I take your comments very seriously. I am sorry if you dont like so much description but I write the kind of stuff that I like to read which is almost (or could be considered by some people) over descriptive. Sorry bout any spelling or other errors because I wrote it in word pad on a laptop. so... I will seperate it into sections and try to stay away from actual measuring units. (mainly because its being read by an world wide audience so not everyone can be please with one set of units or the other. (and i dont know metric  ))