Another relationship thread: Remaining Friends with an Ex

[Quintaros]

Okay so last November I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years.Ã,  The decision was a hard one to make because the relationship was very comfortable but ultimately I felt that I wasn't in love and that remaining with her was settling.Ã,  She was in love and was quite devastated by the break-up.

For 3 years we'd been each others best friend and confidante so it was unimaginable that we would just cease being there for each other.Ã,  She was hurt and I wanted to support her even though I was the source of her pain.Ã,  And so we continued to see each other…ostensibly as friends although the reality of the situation was that we still behaved as a couple except without any promise of commitment.Ã,  This was partly motivated by a sense of obligation to continue caring for her but mostly it was just two people falling into a trap of familiar behaviour.Ã,  The part of me that felt obligated to her was encouraging her to move on with her life and meet someone new so that I could be relieved of my “duties”.Ã, 

We both began to meet new people. Histrionics followed whenever I mentioned a slight spark between me and another girl and it became clear to me that I had to let her move on before I could begin a new relationship.Ã,  So in the mean time she would go on a date, there'd be no chemistry, and she'd return to me.Ã,  I kind of liked it because it was very flattering to my ego to hear that no one else lived up to her expectations.

So this went on for months until about 3 weeks ago when she began telling me of a connection developing between her and a new guy.Ã,  At first it was great to hear as she talked about those butterfly in the stomach feelings that go along with being excited by somebody new.Ã,  She talked of the awkwardness of the first kiss and hug and the first time they held hands and I was totally cool with it.Ã,  I asked her if they had become a couple and she informed me that each of them were still meeting new people for the time being.

So 2 weeks ago was her birthday and she felt it was too early to spend a birthday with a new guy so we made plans to spend the day together and that I would take her to dinner, a movie, and to go shopping for a gift.Ã,  So as we're discussing the plan, I non-chalantly enquired if there was a possibility of sex.Ã,  It seems an insensitive thing to suggest when I know that she is developing feelings for someone new but she'd made it clear to me on the previous encounter that she was taking things slow with him and was still interested in sex with me.Ã,  But this time she guffawed at me and informed me that she'd already begun sleeping with this new guy.Ã,  Well that floored me in a way that I never would have imagined but I tried to play it cool and not let her know.Ã,  Ã, Then I spent the next 36 hours absolutely nauseated by jealousy as I imagined her sleeping with someone else.Ã,  Then, because we have this best friend and confidante relationship, I went ahead and told her just how insane with jealousy I'd become.Ã,  She was really surprised because I'd never once expressed jealousy during our relationship.

So by the time her birthday rolled around my jealousy had runs its course.Ã,  I picked her up and we set out to do all the activities that we'd planned.Ã,  But as the day progressed it became pretty clear to me that she was holding me at a distance.Ã,  She had no sense of humour in conversation, barely made eye contact when we spoke and always maintained a physical distance.Ã,  By dinner, you could cut the tension with a knife and conversation had grinded to a halt.Ã,  Then seemingly out of nowhere she bombarded me with a barrage of criticisms for all the atrocities I'd committed when we were a couple.Ã,  These atrocities ranged from cajoling her into eating her vegetables and buying her pajamas instead of a gift certificate to a spa for her birthday.Ã,  I just sat there dumbfounded as she lambasted me for 3 years worth of petty grievances.Ã,  It was very hurtful and seemed intentionally so as though she was consciously trying to alienate me.Ã,  I had become obsolete to her and wasn't even worth maintaining as a friend.Ã, 

By the time I took her home, we had agreed to break contact for the next couple of months until we had a better handle on where we fit into each other's lives.Ã,  In my head I was deciding that I'd leave it completely up to her to re-establish contact if she chose to.Ã,  Because this was quite possibly the last time I'd see this person who'd been so important to me over the last few years, I felt it was appropriate to go in for one last hug before parting ways.Ã,  She went for the hug but when I kissed her on the cheek she totally pulled away.Ã,  Maybe I'd pushed my luck, but it felt like she was adding insult to injury.

I was pretty mad after that and felt she owed me an apology for the way she'd treated me all day.Ã,  Now, I don't care if I never get an apology…I'd just like to hear from her that she still values me.Ã,  She wouldn't even have to articulate it…just a phone call to rant about a bad day would be enough.Ã,  Alas, two weeks have gone by and this is the longest we've ever gone without communicating.

[Helm]

Hello.

You've done a lot of things that you'll find later on in life and experience to have been errors. But this doesn't help you now, does it?

First of all, dead sex, don't. When you break up, be man enough (even if the woman isn't woman enough) to break up properly. This means no physical relationship should remain. Letting people go, is this. Not just easing the tension of a relationship by not calling it a relationship anymore. I know exactly how difficult it is to go from 'I am very important to this person' to 'I am not at all important to this person', but I suggest you make it a cold-turkey decision next time, and to go with this in your life generally.

Second, the 'I am honest, here is what I was thinking about you, and it's awful. Deal with it' jealousy thing. A honest disposition is imperative for a working relationship. That means to not actively try to be deceptive and facetious. Saying everything that goes through your mind however, is overboard. I suggest filtering quite liberally. Let actions have more weight than words about the actions. Words have a splendid way of being WRONG. Love inspires one thousand words. They aren't all beautifull.

Lastly, most people who break up, even if it's not a violent break up, remain completely apart for months before they're ok to be in each other's (controlled) presense, exactly because most people are mature enough to realize the need for the cold turkey approach, and very, very few are so secure in their self-esteem to be able to go from 'I am the most important person for her' to 'I am just her friend' without missing a beat.

She will eventually call you and leave you space to mend the bitter breakup exit, and it will remain a lukewarm breakup exit therefore, this is good and people require that closure justly, nobody wants to feel like an asshole. But let her go, I suggest.

[ildu]

So...What's your question?

[jetxl]

So you wanted to break up with this girl, but remain Mr. Nice Guy.
Well, on that bithday date you got your wish. She took upon the role as a bitch, closed the door and moved on.
Now you just have to do what she told you to do. Delete/block her number/MSN, and if you keep thinking of her find a hobby (like watching movies helps for me).
When you do bump into her don't ask her how she's doing, don't offer her a drink and don't talk to her fom more than ten minutes. There were reasons why you wanted to break up with her, so fade away.

[KANDYMAN-IAC]

Ex-es are strange and confusing creatures. The girl/woman (she was 30 but acted like she was still in her early 20's, or very late teens) dumped me told me she could be with me anymore, so i simple through up my hands and said fine. She hadn't told me she loved me for close to a year, we'd been together for slightly over 2, and my patience had sevrely worn thin. I'd done everything i could for her when we were both studying, she in her final year, me in my first. I cooked for her, tried to destress her, massage her (i think i've actually fucked the tendons in my left wrist because of that because of poor technique, they still hurt to this very day), I validated her. She asked for it I'd try to do it, alot that was out of character for me, alot i enjoyed doing.

We ended up moving to a new town together, hugely impractically she brought every fucking thing she'd ever owned down with her. After she left I didn't want to see her, I also lost my current job (unrelated reason) this was in the middle of september, I started drinking too much. About november I started to see her again, I'm not in love with her, and i thought we were seeing eachother as friends. But it became apparent that she thought i was something else (us have sex might have done that), so i simply stopped talking to her.

Time passed I had a strange fling with a goth girl i met at a new years party who all she wanted to do was watch cartoons, party and screw. I stopped seeing her after 2 months because neither of us was looking for a relationship (and i wasn't attracted to her for that).

My ex contacted me and asked if I would come and see the latest show she was in. I went, I'd been drinking because I didn't want to go, and I didn't feel comfortable seeing her. I went out for drinks with her and the cast afterwards. And I told her I didn't want a relationship with her that it doesn't work. I said I'd rather be her friend. Which I prolly sent mixed signals with by going home with her and sleeping with her.

Its now June, that was in late March. 3 months passed I now find out that she thinks we are dating. I've told her we aren't, and she got upset. We aren't sleeping together now. But she seems emotionally reliant on me again just like all those years ago. I think she would tell me that she loved me NOW.

It's just fucked, don't sleep with ex-es, becareful what you say or better how you say it. Semantics are not your fecking funking friend.  Always do things slowly. Thats my advise for the future......

AND now if anyone knows the best way for me to sort my shit out I'd be greatly apprecitated.

[Traveler]

AND now if anyone knows the best way for me to sort my shit out I'd be greatly apprecitated.

I don't want to sound too harsh, but move to a different town, get a new phone and email address. That worked for me - I now live ~9000 km-s from where I used to. 

[KANDYMAN-IAC]

interesting... is that why you are called Traveler, because you move to escape your problems?!?

[earlwood]

AND now if anyone knows the best way for me to sort my shit out I'd be greatly apprecitated.

This could be the answer to BOTH of you guy's problems.

[Traveler]

interesting... is that why you are called Traveler, because you move to escape your problems?!?

Nope   I found a job in the US. And my forum name really came by a game idea I had (but no time to complete) - I stuck with the name, though.

But otherwise, I really meant what I wrote, as I found that's the only thing that works (it's pretty much the same that Helm wrote): do a clean cut and don't look back. I don't keep in touch with any exes in any way and I don't care about them anymore.

Edit: ha ha ha, that link is hilarious! 

[Helm]

bah, if you're not man enough to murder your own women...

[Haddas]

It all depends on the type of relationship really. It works for some people. I still have an allright "relationship" with my ex-girlfriend. As in wecan talk to eachother without awkward moments.

[DGMacphee]

Quintaros:

I was pretty mad after that and felt she owed me an apology for the way she'd treated me all day.  Now, I don't care if I never get an apology…I'd just like to hear from her that she still values me.  She wouldn't even have to articulate it…just a phone call to rant about a bad day would be enough.  Alas, two weeks have gone by and this is the longest we've ever gone without communicating.

You have every right to be mad. She isn't showing any value towards you as a friend with her big rant at you.

However, you have to keep in mind that the relationship, as far as both of you being lovers go, is over.

Big mistake right here:

Histrionics followed whenever I mentioned a slight spark between me and another girl and it became clear to me that I had to let her move on before I could begin a new relationship.  So in the mean time she would go on a date, there'd be no chemistry, and she'd return to me.  I kind of liked it because it was very flattering to my ego to hear that no one else lived up to her expectations.

I'll just preface this and say that although this was a mistake, keep in mind that we all make mistakes. Even I did something similar to what you did. But I learnt from it.

The biggest mistake a guy can do is say, "I can't move on unless she does." You're an individual and, as you said, you weren't in love with her anymore. You're not tied to her in the same way when the two of you were lovers. You made the decision to break it off with her. It was dishonest to yourself believe that she still needed you as a lover. Although that gave you a sense of fulfilment (you felt like major part of her life) it had ramifications later on when she found someone else. Now you're no longer the main focus of her life. It's a huge ego-blow to a guy, which is where I think the jealousy comes from.

A thought: perhaps you felt guilty about breaking up with her that you thought the right thing to do was to stick by her. (Might not be true but just throwing a thought out there.)

Anyway, remember that patience and time help heal friendships. If you both get together again as friends down the track and you still feel mad about her rant against you, you can bring that up if it really bothers you. But keep in mind the time might give you some new perspective on it and it probably won't bother you anymore.

I suggest hanging  out more with friends -- they always help with great support and fun times. Also, meet some new people. They don't have to be potential lovers, but just go and be social with other people, especially women. Brush up on your wooing skills. Have some fun. And find fulfilment and satisfaction outside of your friendship with your ex-girlfriend. Remember, this is a chance to gain some freedom in your life.

Later, when you both feel the time is right, you can both talk and become friends again.



Kandyman:

AND now if anyone knows the best way for me to sort my shit out I'd be greatly apprecitated.

I remember when you were asking us for help about this last year. It's obvious you don't want to be in such a relationship with her and, although she appears emotionally reliant upon you, she just has to understand she needs to find someone else who can provide the same emotional reliance because you don't want to. And even though she might pick a guy who is a total dropkick, that's her decision. You have to let her make that decision.

As for you, you have to decide what you want to do. You can take responsibility for drinking too much, accept that things are difficult (they always will be) and make progress in your life. And the same advice to Quintaros also applies: hang out with friends and practise your wooing skills. Have some fun without your ex-girlfriend.



To both these guys, and to others, I just want to say: there's plenty of fulfilment in your lives in so many areas. It's just a case of finding the places where such fulfilment exists. And remember too, the special girls and boys we've dated all leave a permanant impression on us -- a small part of us still thinks about them and cares about them. We never fully forget the special ones. And that's the way it should be.



About the author of this post: Two years ago, DGMacphee went through a painful break-up with a special girl he dated for nearly three years. She broke-up with him because "the passion had gone from the relationship". Hearing this hurt DG's ego a lot.

He didn't stay and fight for the relationship. He walked away. He thought that was the best thing to do. Now he thinks he could have fought for her more because he still loved her even though she didn't anymore. Hell, go out fighting and fuck dignity.

He now thinks part of the reason why the passion disappeared is because he was self-absorbed on what his own future and career meant to him. He hated the degree he studied and didn't really focus much attention on his then lover. Took her for granted. This he regrets. The problem was that he had not only given up only her, but himself too. No wonder the passion had gone. How can a man inspire passion in a relationship when he has no passion in himself?

On the plus side, during his depression he wrote the award-winning Dada: Stagnation in Blue.

Although it was difficult and very painful, DG accepted the break-up and moved on. He tried to find fulfilment in other areas of his life.

He didn't have to worry about his career because he decided to do the best he could with his degree. He got high marks at Uni and completed his degree to honours level. Now, after accepting responsibility for the choices he has made in his life, he graduated with honours, has several high-profile jobs that he loves doing and is thinking about doing a Ph.D. He has a lot more confidence in his ability.

He also has a great network of friends who he cares about very much and has a fun hobby as a local stand-up comic.

He has had occassional flings, but nothing as long as the girl he dated two years ago. Recently he was emptying his old Uni mailbox and found her e-mail address. He was curious about how she was, so he sent her an e-mail to see how she was going. No reply.

He was still curious about how she was going and decided to do something either very brave or very stupid -- he called his ex-girlfriend's parents to see if she had changed e-mail address. Her dad told him she had a new e-mail address. She had also moved to the UK, was working very successfully...

... and had a new partner.

(Didn't mention whether it was a boyfriend or husband).

DG was a little upset about the partner. He kinda wished that it could have been him to go with her to the UK. But it didn't matter, because he was still happy with his life. Not only that, he was happy that she was doing so well. He couldn't help but smile.

And now he felt like he way ready to be friends with her, if she wanted. He is going to e-mail her soon. Find out how she is. Thank her for being one of the best friends he ever had. And say to her, "I still value you. You were one of the greatest friends ever. We might not be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, but I reckon we can give it a shot as friends. I'm ready for that."

She even said the same thing in the last letter she wrote to him, just after their break-up -- "Maybe we can still be friends down the track. Maybe not immediately, but sometime."

He thinks he's ready for that now. He'll e-mail her on her new address later this week. Might as well give it a shot. At least he can say, "I tried my best to reconcile".

And who knows? Maybe he'll find someone to love. He's not in a hurry. He's having a good time.

He also likes to write About The Author blurbs in third person because he can still sometimes be a tosspot.

[Paper Carnival]

When girls dump me I just act like a jerk for a few months by trying to have as minimal contact as possible, gradually going to no contact at all. Then when I 101% get over the break-up, I give a call or send an email or something, saying that I wonder how they're doing etc. And we just start being friends again, no more feelings or bitter grudges. I think.

Actually, that only worked twice, but it still did. Not that I have enough experience points for it to happen more than twice, but that's another story.

[Meowster]

Well, I'm going to look at this situation from my point of view.

If my boyfriend broke up with me, I'd be devestated too. I'd grab onto every chance I had of keeping him, and not let go ever. I couldn't find another guy that could be as good as him. And I'd be confused because when I'm sad, the person I want to console me is him so... I'd have to go to him for comfort for what he'd done to me.

So I can see things from both your points of view.

But here's the thing. If we kept having a 'sex without commitment' relationship, it would destroy me inside. I'd want to move on, but how could I? I'd think that maybe there was a chance he'd still take me back. If I got another boyfriend I'd risk losing James altogether!

If I was just starting to get over him, and he told me he was JEALOUS I was sleeping with other guys... yes, I'd be angry. I'd be angry, furious, and I'd feel used by somebody I loved. If he's so jealous, why doesn't he take me back? Why did he let me be miserable for the past year?

So... I can see exactly why she's angry and telling you everything you've ever done wrong is just her revenge I guess... one that, to be honest, hurts you about one billionth of the amount you've hurt her. So I wouldn't really worry about it that much. She's probably just realised she doesn't need you and is angry that she wasted so much of her time trying to get you back. I can see why you did what you did though.



Anyway it's best just to lose contact with Exes. There's nothing I hate more than an ex girlfriend showing up. Bitches! You had your chance!

[Layabout]

Hi.

I think you really did love her and all you really needed was some time off from her to re-ignite the passion. From your bout of jealosy, and her clingyness. I could be wrong.

This new guy may be a rebound. Something to try and get over you. It probably wont work and then you can sweep her off her feet and make babies.

[Nacho]

I wanted to ask... Specially to those who have had long relationships... What the hell happens in the 3rd year? It's the crisis year! It's an axioma! I haven't discovered a couple with those problems!

Ye be warned, those who have been 17 months with a girl...

[Helm]

I've never been in a relationship for more than 3-4 months in my life. But I can tell you about the third month slump!

[Traveler]

I wanted to ask... Specially to those who have had long relationships... What the hell happens in the 3rd year? It's the crisis year! It's an axioma! I haven't discovered a couple with those problems!

Ye be warned, those who have been 17 months with a girl...

Nothing special happens. It helps, if she's not only your girlfriend, but best friend as well. I guess I'm lucky with my wife.

[MrColossal]

I hate to bring this up but half the football team was lucky with your wife.

ZING!

Also, I broke up with a girl many moons ago, the only girl I've broken up with and she was my first girlfriend. It was terrible and horrible and all that and she was very mad and hated me for a while but now it appears that none of that matters anymore.

How did this happen? She stopped talking to me, hanging out with me, emailing me, IMing me, calling me. And I did the same. It took probably... 2 years. She IMs me now from time to time but doesn't call me on the phone or ever express an interest to hang out. And that's how it has to be because that is how it is. She has a new life and my part in it is small.

"I was pretty mad after that and felt she owed me an apology for the way she'd treated me all day.Ã,  Now, I don't care if I never get an apology…I'd just like to hear from her that she still values me.Ã,  She wouldn't even have to articulate it…just a phone call to rant about a bad day would be enough.Ã,  Alas, two weeks have gone by and this is the longest we've ever gone without communicating."

No offense but this whole thing sounds pretty selfish. Yes she blew up at you but she probably has a lot going through her mind and she's trying to come to terms with the break up and then all of the sudden here you are feeling jealous over something you caused. I'd freak out too. So now you want her to call and talk to you after 2 weeks? You're going to be waiting a lot more than that so really, just deal with it. You created the situation and she's trying to deal with it when she had no say in the matter in the first place, the least you can do now is leave her alone so she can figure out what happened and what to do next.

[big brother]

Funny how this thread got more attention:
http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/yabb/index.php?topic=26972.0

I guess AGSers know more about getting the girl than getting rid of her.