Short Horror Story

[Stupot]

Hi guys.  I'm looking for a bit of feedback on this short story I have written as part of my English Language course.

I know some of you like a good horror/suspense.  I'm interested in your opinions as a reader of the genre.  More technical comments are welcome but I'm more interested in what you think as a member of the target audience.

The Story is here and is currently untitled

Any and all comments will be welcome but please bear in mind for the purposes of my course I'm more interested in what you feel as a member of the audience reading it.

Questions to think about:
a) Did the beginning capture your attention?
b) Did the middle section hold your attention?
c) Was the ending satisfying?
d) Were the characters believable?
e) Was the story well-paced?
f) Did you think the story was suitable for it's intended audience and medium (horror/suspense magazine/anthology).
g) Did you predict the little twist at the end?
h) What would you have done differently if it was your story?
i) What was your favourite component (characters, setting, storyline etc)?
j) What was your least favourite component?
k) Did any part of the story make you think or reflect in any way.  If so what triggered it and what did you think about?
l) If you could give the story a name, what would you call it?

No one is in any way obliged to answer all or any of these questions, but these are the kinds of things I will find helpful.
Thank you to everyone who may or may not respond.

[vertigoaddict]

Questions to think about:

a) Did the beginning capture your attention?

Not really, it was okay

b) Did the middle section hold your attention?

Not really, it was okay

c) Was the ending satisfying?

It was okay, it sounds like it was made for an english course.

d) Were the characters believable?

Sure

e) Was the story well-paced?

For a short story, good.

f) Did you think the story was suitable for it's intended audience and medium (horror/suspense magazine/anthology).

It was okay.

g) Did you predict the little twist at the end?

Definately

h) What would you have done differently if it was your story?

I wouldn't have made her forgive him. I'd make him suffer via guilt.

i) What was your favourite component (characters, setting, storyline etc)?

The burnt face.

j) What was your least favourite component?

The 'oh, no! My baby!' thing is just too overused...

k) Did any part of the story make you think or reflect in any way.  If so what triggered it and what did you think about?

I realized that I've improved in my writting. I've also realized that people still don't proof read thier work much (grammar)

l) If you could give the story a name, what would you call it?

'Eliza' or 'The bride'.

[auriond]

Warning: Spoilers for those who haven't read the story

Spoiler

a) Did the beginning capture your attention?
The idea of a door where there had been no door before was pleasantly creepy and got my attention immediately, but David just stood and stared at it and that definitely took a lot away from the scary atmosphere.

b) Did the middle section hold your attention?
It was all right, but the descriptions could have been... simpler? And more descriptive? I felt that if we were seeing through David's eyes, the first thing we would want to know is what the room beyond the door looked like. Colours, things, objects, details, before David's reactions to the room are described.

c) Was the ending satisfying?
Unfortunately, no. It was too easy, that Eliza simply forgave him. That he was brought there for no other reason than for Eliza to forgive him.

d) Were the characters believable?
I think David could have been more rounded out. It's hard to know if we're supposed to feel sympathetic towards him or to hate him. Actually, I didn't feel much of anything towards him at all. Eliza was a little better, but one tends to wonder why she brought such a guy to the altar at all. The mention of a baby later gave a better idea of why, but still - what did she see in David to end up in a shotgun wedding?
I think the father was probably the best character, and so far it's hard to fault him for being angry. And not being able to get his hands on the young man that just made a fool out of him, he settled for venting his anger on the daughter.

e) Was the story well-paced?
I think it went by a little fast. Take the time to develop your setting and characters a little.

f) Did you think the story was suitable for it's intended audience and medium (horror/suspense magazine/anthology).
So far so good

g) Did you predict the little twist at the end?
Yes, but then I'm a fan of these things.

h) What would you have done differently if it was your story?
I would have given a lot more space to describing settings, backstory etc. Like David's own guilt perhaps having gnawed at him for so many years... or some plot device that showed how much Eliza loved him even in life so that it was in character for her to love him in death still... something to establish their relationship somehow.
Also, the part where the father beat Eliza to death is a point of high drama, so it could have been fleshed out with so many other things - the mother trying to stop the father's rage, family and friends taking sides, a locked door that the father breaks down... maybe Eliza was even thinking of taking her own life after being jilted so she welcomed her own death. Or David had come back to apologise to Eliza, saw the scene, and planned revenge all these years... only to have Eliza tell him she forgave him and that revenge wasn't worth it. Some ideas, to give the story more layers.
Oh, and he could have finally said the words that he couldn't say all those years ago: "I do... Eliza, I do..."

i) What was your favourite component (characters, setting, storyline etc)?
I liked the melted candlewax looking like a bridal gown. Some ideas for more descriptive fabric other than silk: satin ribbons, lace, floral etc.

j) What was your least favourite component?
As you might have guessed by now, the lack of a backstory.

k) Did any part of the story make you think or reflect in any way.  If so what triggered it and what did you think about?
Since my own wedding is coming up, I found the story a little ominous Good thing I'm not pregnant!

l) If you could give the story a name, what would you call it?
"The Unspoken Vow"? A central theme would make a title easier: a broken heart, candles?

[close]

Hope this helps, let me know if you want more details or explanation on anything

[Tuomas]

a) Did the beginning capture your attention?

It didn't. I think it all came too obvious, too quickly and left no room for imagination.

b) Did the middle section hold your attention?

I realised I really started enjoying it at around the violent part, it was well written, but before that I had a really hard time keeping myself interested.

c) Was the ending satisfying?

Like in most horror stories, it was a bit unoriginal/obvious. However this is a matter of taste, I myself like happy endings.

d) Were the characters believable?

I didn't quite get a grip of the main character, he just was, whereas the girl was believable as was her father. I think that is even more important, seeing as how this was about a "ghost", and the ghost was believable, that you did well.

e) Was the story well-paced?

For a short story yeah, can't find anything to complain about

f) Did you think the story was suitable for it's intended audience and medium (horror/suspense magazine/anthology).

Well I think it's a good entertaining story for people who are interestede and expecting for such, but for a magazine, I've read a few, and I could perhaps require a bit more of the horror aspect there seeing as how it never really got me tensioned.

g) Did you predict the little twist at the end?

Something like it, but not word to word no, wasn't that predictable.

h) What would you have done differently if it was your story?

The plot? nah, j/k. AsI said, I like happy endings, an apology isn't that bad, I might have added a kiss and reduced some from the church scene.

i) What was your favourite component (characters, setting, storyline etc)?

I thought of this answer for 5 minutes, sincerely. And ended up with this: _. Sry, it's not thaat it's bad, I couldn't find one thing that stood out for me.

j) What was your least favourite component?

And this I spotted immediately, I'm not a fan of invisible presence that is made obvious to you, as people can't really feel them, and they're a bit of a cliché, also, if someone's watching him, what does it have to do with the ending of it.

k) Did any part of the story make you think or reflect in any way.  If so what triggered it and what did you think about?

well the violent part really touched me. Not that I like violence. But I did feel it, that with the school shooting thing in the news at the same time.

l) If you could give the story a name, what would you call it?

I'm bad at this so I'll restrain.

[Ghost]

a) Did the beginning capture your attention?
The first sentence nailed me. In fact, the whole first stanza is a good hook for a horror story. I could not put too many technical words around it, but it simple summoned a picture in my head, and I like that in a story.

b) Did the middle section hold your attention?
Unfortunately, I found the middle section a bit off pacing, and found me skipping over the violent part, since graphical violence in a horror story is of little interest to me. This is a totally personal opinion though.

c) Was the ending satisfying?
It really was a bit too obvious that it would be "something like this". But I like it when a characters fate is sorted out in the end, and that you did, so: Yes.

d) Were the characters believable?
The beauty about short stories is that you seldem have the space to describe characters too detailed and thus allow the reader to put own experiences into them. So from my point of view David was okay but a bit empty, and the Ghost/Eliza was a bit too much of a cliche.

e) Was the story well-paced?
As mentioned above I'm not too fond of graphical violence, so I skipped there a little. The overall pacing's good.

f) Did you think the story was suitable for it's intended audience and medium (horror/suspense magazine/anthology).
I would see it as a good entry for an anthology.

g) Did you predict the little twist at the end?
Yes, straight on.

h) What would you have done differently if it was your story?
Hm, I would have let that solidary candle have a bigger part- blowing it out would have been a symbol of releasing the Ghost, or something like that. And, well, I would have made it a bit longer, if only to create some cache space.

i) What was your favourite component (characters, setting, storyline etc)?
I really liked the start, and I was impressed by the description of the room and the "candle bride".

j) What was your least favourite component?
Blud.

k) Did any part of the story make you think or reflect in any way.  If so what triggered it and what did you think about?
Well, this is just me, but I have a thing about darkness. I can't stand it. Had some pretty frights as a kid, and even today I feel uncomfortable in a dark room. So the idea of being alone in a creepy room with an unreliable light source really got me. The image of a bride made of drippy candles was quite strong too.

l) If you could give the story a name, what would you call it?
Better To Light A Candle Than To Curse The Darkness

[ManicMatt]

For you to look into:

"They seen too much."

Surely, "They've seen too much."

"The had reappeared for this vision and it opened"

The what? The door?

It's important to check for errors, they can ruin the immersion of the story if it reminds me the writer made a mistake, and of course it will harm your grades. 

"she closed the it behind her and lay on the bed"

Was it 2am in the morning when you typed this out??

"insane fit of hysteria" Hmm, check with someone who knows their stuff to see if that makes total sense. Is hysteria ever a stable control of emotions? Maybe I'm being picky, but it IS for your English course, so I will be just incase, for your own good. But I'm not really sure about that one...

"She lifted her head from the pillow and David saw into her eyes"

Again, not really sure about this one, but I'd replace "saw" with "looked", it sounds better to me, but I'm not sure why. Is there someone here who would know better?

"as his farrier's hands"

Wow, I had to look that word up! Never heard it before!  :o

Wrong:

"David try to scream Stop it, Stop it, but no words came."

Less wrong (I'm not perfect):

"David tried to scream, "Stop it! Stop it!" but no words came."

"He felt someone standing over him over him."

Erm.. did you read this back to yourself out loud? 

Maybe I'll answer your questions another, day, it's past my bedtime!

[vertigoaddict]

These might help:

http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Short-Story

http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Horror-Story

[auriond]

Since ManicMatt mentioned errors ruining the immersion thing... I nearly laughed when I read "the door came away from the wall". I had this image of the entire door coming off in David's hand, and him looking at it in perplexed bemusement: "Damn, underestimated my strength again!"