Burning Moon script!

[Shades]

Hey guys I wrote up a script for an adventure game called "Burning Moon" as you might have guessed from the title. I showed it to my friend and he said it 'might' be possible to do on AGS but he isn't sure. Since I'm new to AGS I figured I'd put it up here for people to judge and tell me whether it's crap or not. Also feel free to message me if you think it is within your power to make.  8)

[Privateer Puddin']

You might want to post it so people can see.

[Shades]

shit i forgot to do that sorry here it is:

www.agspace.ws/burning_moon.doc

[Ghost]

Hm. I read the script and I am in two minds about it.

On the plus side, you have a story that is easy to follow, and you have a solid flow. I also liked to see a lot of background info in the script, something that really helps to flesh out what plot there was. And a script that backs up as a walkthrough is always a good thing.

But (and please let me add that everything I am going to say now is totally subjective):

- I really can't help but feeling deja vu all the same. Races, setting, plot, even turning points in the plot, are either very generic or rather cliche. I could easily name a dozen games with the exact same setup (Orc/HUmans at war, ancient race, evil dragon, nondescript background crowds, cast of clones). That's not a bad thing in itself, but you waste an opportunity to surprise your audience.

- The whole script seems more suitable for an RPG, not a "classic" adventure game. I felt like reading a decent plot idea from the RPG Maker boards for some reason when all the buyable equipment stuff started.

- You have potential "walking deads" and "necessary saves". Both are troublesome in classic adventure games. If you include them, make sure you warn the player!

- Personally I think that the scope is far beyond a beginner's game, and I would advise you to start smaller (You will hear that a lot here, and you can rightfully say that none of us ever seems to do so... but still, a valid point )

Just my two cents, and I hope you can ge some use out of them.

[MoodyBlues]

Hmm… it’s pretty good!  I agree it’s a bit clichéd with all the orcs and dwarves and such, but you’ve done a great job of thinking through the puzzles and avoiding adventure game pitfalls like random deaths.

However, my first thought after reading the first paragraph was, "Ugh!  Why is good and evil determined by species?"  Even though this is fantasy, that just smacks of racism - or, more accurately, speciesism, I guess.  Since you seem to be going for epic (and thus semi-realistic) fantasy, make things more grey, please!  Why can't there be good orcs or bad dwarves?  And where do goblins fit in in all of this?

And be sure to check your capitalization and spelling.  Nothing ruins an epic mood like a typo.

[GuyAwesome]

I have to agree with Ghost on this one. Possible in AGS? Certainly. Something you should be attempting on your very first game? Oh, hell no! Start small until you're comfortable with AGS, then maybe try a couple of 'tech demo' games trailing the various not-standard-adventure-game parts, like the combat and shop components, THEN put this together. Remember, you don't have to release your first attempt(s), so you don't have to worry about spoiling the story in early versions. (Although making the whole script available online before you even start production, kind of covers the 'spoiler' thing I guess )
And yeah, it definitely reads more like an RPG than a 'classic' AG (not that that's a bad thing, and I haven't finished it yet - it is a mighty wall o' text...). Maybe consider your reasons for making it in AGS, rather than a more RPG-based engine.

Beyond that, I can't add anything useful that Ghost and MoodyBlues haven't already said. Maybe I'll be able to when I finish.

[Shades]

To Ghost and the guy who agreed with him:

I believe I said I didn't want to personally make this. My goal was to post it here, get some constructive criticism, then get either one of my chums or someone in the marvelous forum to make it. 

[GuyAwesome]

Ah, I misunderstood  - you didn't actually say you wouldn't be making it yourself, but that you/your friend weren't sure you could. I assumed that "feel free to message me ..." was for help, rather than someone to take the whole thing on. Fair enough, though, and it doesn't actually change my reply - definitely do-able if you can find someone willing to put in the effort with the (AGS) scripting, and based on the script as-is could actually be WORTH doing, too.
What would you be contributing, if it was a forum member rather than a friend that took it on? I can't imagine many people would be interested in just taking on the project for you wth no help (unless you paid them, of course ), but I could be wrong. Similarly I wouldn't imagine you would want to just hand the whole thing over to someone else's control.
Since you've got a fairly detailed plan written, rather than just a vague notion to make 'something', you might find the Recruit a Team thread useful to, well, recruit a team to help with art, scripting, etc, as needed...

[Shades]

Thanks for the clarification but I don't think I really care if someone else takes on the project. I already tried getting AGS to work and I can't understand the damn thing. I figured someone could do the programming and just put me in the credits and I'd be happy.

[Shades]

I edited the original word file on my computer (not the URL one) so that the dwarves and the orcs swap places. If that's not non-conformist, I don't know what is.

[Ghost]

I believe I said I didn't want to personally make this. My goal was to post it here, get some constructive criticism, then get either one of my chums or someone in the marvelous forum to make it. 

Well allright then. Could've been clearer, but I'm not picky, and thus, thanks for putting it up, and cheers to those who give it a try.

[auriond]

I've given my feedback already when Shades sent me the script to upload, but having read a little more of it, and now knowing what he intends to do with it, I have something more to add:

The first part looks like a good script, with a strong writing style and a good dose of humour, but then the rest of it becomes basically a walkthrough of a game that doesn't exist. So in essence you don't even have a full script yet. It's hard for anyone to give constructive criticism of a walkthrough, which is why people are giving you more feedback on the feasibility of the project.

As for switching roles around for orcs and dwarves, that might work, but you'd have to flesh out the races a little more. Are the dwarves a savage race that wants to conquer a world that's taller than them? Are the orcs all bluster but actually peace-loving creatures? Right now they hardly have any characterisation in your script, so you could switch the races around and it wouldn't make much difference.

I think you should take the comments about feasibility seriously too, because even if you're planning to throw it to someone else to do, that someone else will still have to grapple with the problem of translating this into an adventure-style game rather than an RPG, as well as actually program all the stuff you described. If you do everything you can to make the programmer's job easier, you're more likely to find someone willing to take on the job.

[GuyAwesome]

Auriond's last paragraph is what I was trying to say with

I can't imagine many people would be interested in just taking on the project for you wth no help (unless you paid them, of course  ), but I could be wrong

but much better expressed. And goes double after having finished the script and seeing how walkthrough-like it really is. Great for showing off the feel of the game, but it'll require a lot more effort from whoever takes on the project to turn it into a workable 'design document' to build a game from. Without meaning to suggest all programmers can't draw their way out of a paper bag, or that all artists are technically inept (or that they're both tone-deaf), I seriously think you're looking at a TEAM effort, rather than being able to hand it off to a one-man-band who'll do graphics, programming and music themselves. Which might be easier to build (at the risk of repeating myself and auriond) if you were willing to collaborate, or could at least provided a more rounded version of the script. E.g. in dialogues, you've provided the correct player responses, but not what they're responding to. You obviously have a reason for telling the bandits you don't have any tomatoes, but why would you say that. (Bad example, as the bandits clearly must've asked - although why 'tomatoes' specifically, not just 'food' - is less clear . And the kind of thing you might want to elaborate on.) Of course, if this was just the highlights version to show off the story, and there IS a 'full' version, you can ignore this...

[Shades]

the tomatoes thing is sorta a running joke but thanks for the criticism guys I guess I will write up the dialogue and give a more in depth description of the game.