Fortnightly Writing Competition: Train Journey (Results)

[Sinitrena]

What, no voting deadline?!?  SWEET! 

Actally, there is one, to the minute - right underneath the poll. Doesn't it show for you?

[Mandle]

Actally, there is one, to the minute - right underneath the poll. Doesn't it show for you?

We are old and the ways of the world are strange to us.

[Baron]

Wait, wait, wait.  We have to look up the deadline ourselves?  Truly now the world has passed me by.... (*insert white bearded smiley here*)

[Ponch]

What, no voting deadline?!?  SWEET! 

Actally, there is one, to the minute - right underneath the poll. Doesn't it show for you?

The FWC. Now with more fine print than ever before! 

[Sinitrena]

Less banter, more voting, please, children. 

(Honestly, I just forgot to put the deadline in the voting post - but now I certainly won't do it. It's way too much fun like that.  )

[Ponch]

Voted! 

[Mandle]

Just a quick question about how polls work here. Only AGS members can vote on them, right? I had a friend read my story on here because it was easiest to link him to here to read it. I don't think he would have been able to vote on the poll, and I don't want to ask really in the event that the poll is not visible to non-AGSers.

If it IS available to non-registered people, then we probably shouldn't use for voting, but I doubt that it is.

[heltenjon]

If you're not logged in, the poll shows, but without any buttons for voting. It's just the white blocks for now, changed to show the result after the voting ends. You can view a finished result whether logged in or not.

[Mandle]

If you're not logged in, the poll shows, but without any buttons for voting. It's just the white blocks for now, changed to show the result after the voting ends. You can view a finished result whether logged in or not.

Okay, good to know. I was worried that my friend could have voted for me as a one-sided gesture of support. Glad that's not the case.

[Baron]

I have a similar question concerning 15 relatives and a cat named Mushu.   

[Sinitrena]

Of course we do not need a certificate of membership for the cat, Mushu. That would be preposterous. Cats are, of course, allowed everywhere at all times to do whatever they please. As our furry overlords, we are incapable to deny them anything.

Generally speaking, though, if there were more than two entries, I wouldn't use polls for voting, in order to allow a more diversified vote, even if it is easier and doesn't require the host to manually tally the points.

[Mandle]

if there were more than two entries, I wouldn't use polls for voting, in order to allow a more diversified vote, even if it is easier and doesn't require the host to manually tally the points.

Yeah, the poll makes sense in this case. Agreed.

[Baron]

I'd like to publicly state that I've voted.  You know, just so democracy feels validated.  The choice was hard for me, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I mostly voted for Mandle in the end (my cursor kinda flirted with just the fringe of the button, so I'm not sure if the federal elections commission algorithm will interpret it as a whole vote or more of a hanging chad).  I feel compelled to leave feedback to the author, but as I don't want to get blacklisted by the spam-sniffer for citing his work I will cleverly hide my comments below.

Spoiler

That was a great story, Mandle!  It's a pity the pall of spam was cast over your work, likely discouraging a segment of the voting public from even reading it.  In future I will be sure to initiate my smear campaigns only after I've read your work myself.   

The highlights for me were some fantastic descriptions and a plot that kept me guessing.  There's kind of a Mad Max vibe going on, with crazy post-apocalyptic Aussies and... uh.... rusty metal vehicles.  The atmosphere of disinformation and the accompanying slow-reveal was well-executed, and the portrayal of the degradation of the oral English language was simply fantastic.

On to the little bothersome things.  The ending for me was a little weak and ambiguous (is Murto now the second ox?), and I felt the morphing danger of the Ev'ries could have been better explained in their introduction (the volcano bit) since that's public knowledge for everyone (except the reader) right off the hop.  I'm a little confused about the timing of the attack on Midfield, given that Daisy got ripped in half anyway.  Would it not have been more efficient to attack in the night when the townsfolk were off their guard, or for that matter right away when everyone had gathered around the train (which basically happened the next day anyway, only at greater cost to Walsh)?  But I get that post-apocalyptic drifters and swag men probably weren't the Napoleons of their time, and even the despicable Walsh wanted a bit of human contact as a reward for keeping up his end of the deal.  The only other thing that jarred with me as a reader was when the two oxen hauled the huge engine out of the fog and I thought to myself "yeah right, that thing probably weighs 100 tonnes!", but obviously you addressed that later in the story.... 

These are small quibbles against what was overall quite a strong outing.  Good work, Mandle! 

[close]

[Stupot]

Strong efforts all around. Both stories were highly readable and either one could have taken my vote.

Spoiler

Baron once again showed his range with this straight piece. It was well-executed and packed an emotional punch at the end. Knowing that it was based on true events from your family history makes it all the more impactful.

If Baron's story was a fine wine with a memorable aftertaste, Mandle's was a colourful cocktail, full of fruity notes and a lemon twist. The reveal of the true nature of the Ev'ry was very well-done and the character of Judge was wonderfully Carrollian. Good work.

[close]

I loved both stories, but on this occasion I have decided to go with:

Spoiler

Mandle

[close]

[Sinitrena]

And the poll is closed and we have a winner, as you all should see at the top of the page.

I'll still tell you the results here, of course:

We have an amazing 10 people who voted!!! (If they would also leave some nice comments, that would be amazing, but I guess you can't have everything.) Apparently, murderous trains brings out the voting population arround here. 

Baron received 4 votes and gets 2. place.

Good story, as always. If there is one thing I would critizise it's the fact that the foreshadowing was a bit too strong, just about spoiling the end already with the first part. The part in spoiler tags is obviously not part of the story itself, but gives us additional information - and I think one part of this information should be included in the story itself; namely, that the family didn't get any money. As is, it feels like part of the conclusion is missing from the story. Interesting look into your family history and well written story.

But Mandle got 6 votes and wins this round.
What a brutal horror tale you wove for us here! I have to say, the beginning felt rather confusing. I can't say exactly up until which point, but it was a bit too long, so long that I went back and re-read parts, wondering if I had missed an explanation somewhere on the way. But once the story got going - wow, well done! While I think Baron's story cut off a bit too early, yours lingered a bit longer than necessary: There was not really any need for Murto to survive the attack and to join the train (only to be implied to get murdered later on anyway). I don't really think this added anything.

Still, two great stories, that have very, very little in common, except that in both people get killed by trains.  (Does this tell us something about your opinion on public transportation, I wonder?  )

Over to you, Mandle, for the next installment of the FWC!

[Mandle]

Extremely busy and exhausted with kids' Halloween events... so will send Baron my feedback later. I thought his story was excellent by the way,and knew it would be a hard-fought contest indeed! Onwards and upwards!

[Mandle]

Waiting on permission to start a new thread it seems. I PM'd AGA so should be long but, for now I will say that the next theme is:

"A Friend in Need"

The story must include some element of a strong friendship, and one friend (or group of friends) helping another with something they could not do themself or on their own, or both friends, or all, could be helping each other at the same time.

An important factor will of course be making the reader really feel that the friendship between the characters is genuine and rings true.

So, lean on each other and stand by each other and, well I guess it's hard to do one without the other... JUST LIKE IN THE THEME!

(Nailed it)

[AGA]

...you don't need my permission to start new threads.

[Snarky]

...you don't need my permission to start new threads.

If you try to start a new thread, you get a big warning at the top:

POSTING NEW THREADS IS RESTRICTED IN THIS FORUM!

YOU MUST HAVE AUTHORISATION BEFORE YOU START A THREAD, READ THE FORUM RULES FOR DETAILS.

Now, I take it that a new round of an already authorized forum game would be perfectly all right without needing any new approval, but that may not be clear to posters.

BTW, I voted for Baron. I liked the story (I thought there was significant tension in that I was afraid the main character was planning to kill his kids), and learning that it was based on real family events made it hit even harder.

As for Mandle's entry, while I enjoyed a lot of the writing (I had to look up the term "cowcatcher," which ended up being surprisingly relevant), I'm afraid it rather exceeded my tolerance for "fantasy/sci-fi nonsense." It didn't help that I got confused about the dying mushrooms at the beginning (still not sure I grasp what that was about) and thought the village consisted of mushroom people.

[Sinitrena]

...you don't need my permission to start new threads.

If you try to start a new thread, you get a big warning at the top:

POSTING NEW THREADS IS RESTRICTED IN THIS FORUM!

YOU MUST HAVE AUTHORISATION BEFORE YOU START A THREAD, READ THE FORUM RULES FOR DETAILS.

Now, I take it that a new round of an already authorized forum game would be perfectly all right without needing any new approval, but that may not be clear to posters.

But... but this warning has always been there.