John Cleese: Declaration of Revocation (of American independance)

[shitar]

http://galskap.nu/ext/5194.html


Damn I really want that vegetable peeler permit.

[Ghormak]

For future reference, this was not written by John Cleese.

It is, however, funnier if you imagine him reading it out loud.

[Squinky]

Stupid Americans...

[IM NOT TEH SPAM]

Common now, the only place that really deserves any kind of taunting in America is New Jersey.  Stupid jughandles... stupid people with their bad directions... bah.

I guess I'd have to be either british or non-american to find this funny...

[shitar]

For future reference, this was not written by John Cleese.

It is, however, funnier if you imagine him reading it out loud.

Damnit! I don't believe it, I don't want to! Proof?

[Las Naranjas]

Every single piece of humour on the internet gets attributed to John Cleese eventually.

proof 1 http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

further examples http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/cleese.asp

[LGM]

heh... I get the humor in that, and he has a few good points... But I hate when foreigners generalize all Americans into one lump category... But I guess we do it to, and I hate that also.

Bah! STEREOTYPING IS BAD!

[Andail]

I also have problems when they mix serious issues with irrelevant jokes...I mean, the low (or non-existing) global awareness, the weapon-laws and some other points are important and serious.
Whether you pronounce Pitsburgh "burra" or "berg" is not.
And if John had written that, it would have been much funnier.

[EldKatt]

The first paragraph made me expect some kind of serious political commentary, but--if there was any--it was heavily diluted with comments about how there are linguistic differences between two geographically and culturally very different areas. Well spotted, anonymous author. As a more effective solution to this outrageous ignorance of how things should be pronounced, I propose that we all go back to speaking good old Proto-Indo-European.

[Nikolas]

I also have problems when they mix serious issues with irrelevant jokes...

Sometimes, in order not to insult the person you're talking about you have to make irrelevant jokes. This way it rather easy to avoid any conflict. Someone saying the this text is not serious enough will hear about the weapon laws, the ignorance of all people etc. Someone who decides that this text is insulting, will be asnwered by all the pronounciation facts. It does work...

And he's right. The only thing that bothers me is that the same thing happens with the Uk and the rest of Europe. On the matter of jokes, that is, because other than that none of the problems reported in Johns' text even exist here in the Uk.

[EldKatt]

Sometimes, in order not to insult the person you're talking about you have to make irrelevant jokes. This way it rather easy to avoid any conflict.

Why should you want to avoid conflict, though? I'm of the opinion that we would benefit from a lot more conflicts about these topics. Avoiding conflicts in this manner also completely nullifies the possibility of convincing anyone of anything. It becomes nothing more than a harmless joke, and, although jokes can be entertaining, that's not enough.

[Nikolas]

Well, it's not the conflict that John (if he wrote this) is after, but awarness. And he succedes.

[shitar]

Well, it's not the conflict that John (if he wrote this) is after, but awarness. And he succedes.

or perhaps it's... *GASP* comedy?

[Squinky]

Political comedy nonetheless....

I'm okay with a friendly jab or two, but I'm so tired of hearing that Americans lack global awareness. Especially from people that don't live in America...How would you know what level of awareness we have here? You aren't here....

America, to me is much more aware of things like cultural diversity compared to many other countries. So does that mean I can make fun of how little european countries know of this? I could, but that would be dumb, and ill informed. Kinda like saying America is globally unaware.

[Nikolas]

Let's talk about it.

Please don't be offended by this post. But feel free to argue. (F***, was that needed?)

First of all let me say that I agree with you. I find it silly for someone to talk about something that he/she hasn't met. And of course about global awarmess, I have again to agree. I know almost nothing about Australia, or India or places on the other side of the globe, I wouldn't expect an American to know a lot about Europe. And furthermore, me as a European citizen (bullshit...), let me say that we do have some complex feelings about our superiority. Which is bullshit. And we tend to believe that America was discovered by Europeans and blah blah, which is all bullshit. We believe that you should be aware of everything but not us. Bullshit!

One problem though, I do find in this matter is this: You are the No. 1 nation in the planet. Everyone take it as you want. I'm not putting down the other nations or something like that. Just take it.

As nation No.1 you have the most publicity and the most responsibilities to the whole planet. And you have decided to take these responsibilities (your goverment). You seem to be around every war that has taken place in the last ...x years. And generally you seem to be everywhere.

The word seem(s) is in bold for one good reason. Everything I've ever known for America I know from American mouth. Mostly from American movies, then music, then books and so on. All images I have of America are controlled from Americans. I am open minded and this can be easily proven by the fact that I took my whole family and moved to the Uk in order to study but also to meet other people and other communities. I have family in Germany. This at least gives me an idea about Greece (my birth country), Uk, Germany and France where I've been. And for the rest of Europe I do have an idea about what's going on.

But not for America (or Australia for that matter). The diffence between America and Australia is that I get loads of information for Amercia which all seem to agree on certain points. And all this information comes from Americans. And it is so much that has influenced the whole world.

And thus I arrive to my point. About cultural diversity. There is little of that. You have conquered the world. The only thing left is Ethnic, which is bullshit again IMHO (won't discuss it here...)

After all this I can arrive to some conclusion by saying that, at least for me, everything that I have in my mind about America has come from American hands and mouths. And along with the fact that every stone we turn we find an Amercian (soldier???), underneeth it is rather difficult not to make judgements.

But again I agree completly with you! Just trying to justify this attitude towards America.

[MrColossal]

and so I edit it because it doesn't matter!

[IM NOT TEH SPAM]

Nikolas, there are a few key points that I have to agree with you on, but there are a few things I have to disagree with.

First of all, everything you hear about america is from american media, not american people.  Everyone in the american media is looking for a story, which is essentially a case of greed:  they want the money for THE story, and it doesn't matter how many people it screws over.  You can't know americans based on the american media, otherwise you'd think we live in pretty much a big craphole.  I was talking to someone who lived in canada a few years ago, and he was talking about america like there was fleets of hobos, and few to none americans who owned a house.  I live in america, and I've never seen a hobo in my entire life.  Most of the people me and my family knows owns a house.  The media no matter where you are is pure bullcrap.  From the all of the british stuff I've seen, I'd think that most of Britain thinks they're better than everyone else.  Even as I'm writing this my older brother is ranting about "Royal Mail" He keeps yelling "WHATS SO DAMNED ROYAL ABOUT IT!?".

Anyway, back to my point (assuming I have one... ) I like many other on these forums live in america, and all have different oppinions about our country.  If you live here you'll really get to know the country.  I'll probably never know any other country like I do america, as I've been raised here my entire life and was taught everything American.  The only thing any country can really be aware about is important events in other places, which for the past x years we have been doing. 


I also gotta say that this guy is severely pissing me off with his god damned "pronunciation tips". 

And mrcolossal, you're post is confusing me more than its confusing you...


I'm putting this for my brother's sake, who specializes in kickass rants.

Here in America, we consider England to be like a Mother to us.  Like All mothers, we expect to put them into a home, and absorb all of their assets.  Aluminum is infact spelled with an I not an A! Sound it out!  Fancy is an adjective, and should only be used as an adjective from today forward, thus the queen can not (grammatically speaking) fancy or not fancy anything.
As for Utah, Why shouldn't she 'fancy' it? It has a U in it?
U, Much like the United Nations is overused in all places besides the United States.
As for burgh's I don't see why you would completely butcher the poor word.  There is no a at the end of it, and the H is silent (duh).  As for Our trailer trash which appears in the Jerry Springer Show, Once your population drops the cockney act, well drop the illustrious guests of Former Mayor of Cincinnati Jerry Springer.  Microsoft, whom could buy and sell the queen like a sack of potatoes, can call the Superior more evolved American English Whatever they want.  As for British English, you had a good run, but its our language now.  In fact we should rename it American.  As for our Brothers in the South Pacific, I can distinguish an Australian Accent. The question is if you know the difference between a New York Accent, and a Mid Western Accent.
As for British Sitcoms, They will be eradicated.  No one like them, I don't even think you could tell me you like sitcoms with a strait face.  We invented Sitcoms, and they were horrible here, and then you stole, only to destroy them. As for the queen, I might not get it, but what has she done for you lately? I mean Tony Blair, and George Bush are both important, intelligent, and most of all Influential; the queen is obscure, and unneeded. After all this isn't the middle ages. Sure we can sing God Save The Queen, but she's the Queen of England! Why does she need saving? If anything America Saved the queen on a few occasions. (that's right, we kept the royal jewels safe in fort Nox for years). 
Also someone has to explain to you guys that to be royal, you have to actually have association with royalty.  Royal Mail? Royal Tube (im told thats what you call subways)? Royal Trollies? Royal Taco? Unless the queen comes down from Buckingham Palace and rides the trolly, while eating the taco, its not royal.  Like here in America, We dont call things Presidential unless our president has something to do with it.  And what about Knights? In my humble opinion, unless your riding on a horse with a jousting pole your not a knight.  You have Sir Elton John,   Sir The Beatles.  Whats the deal? We have Billy Joel, and Lynard Skynard, who beat the crap out of Elton John and the Beatles, but we don't call them knights.
Football, although poorly named, will keep its name.  We have so many things that are so much better then everyone else, that we can have one poorly named sport.  As for the World Series, As far as I'm concerned, when the Russians put a man on the moon, then they can give a shot at beating us at baseball.  Until then Sit down and shut up.
As for Guns, that's a sore spot.  Im hoping that everything is all in good fun, but you don't even joke about taking away our guns.  Its our guns that make us better then you, and better then everyone else.  As for American Automobiles, We understand the sleekness and style of German Vehicles, but why don't you produce a god damned car that doesn't cost more then the queen of England's life is worth. (Bentley Rolls Royce im talking about you!)
What's with the Treachery with this whole metric thing.  You're the ones who came up with the standard system.  what is multiplying by 12 that hard for you? I mean you invented it and now you complain about us using it?  Plus just take a look at your money.  Pound Sterling? that sounds pretty standard to me doesn't it?
As for FREEDOM FRIES (renamed to spit in the faces of the french) We do occasionally call them chips, but that's only when we are ordering them with fish, or if we suffer head trauma.
As for Tea in Massachusetts... well you can have it.  Were long over the whole tea thing.  Drink a coffee, or maybe a coke.  Although America does produce some poor quality beer, most of it is made for teenagers to buy when they're short on cash.  No self respecting citizen can be found with a Coors Light or even a can of bud in their hand. They are cheap as dirt, 30 for roughly 13 pounds sterling (my great American keyboard doesn't have the crazy L thing on it).  In accordance to the lack of quality beer, we will Make it all produced by Sam Adams Brewery named after one of the great founders of the greatest nation on earth.
Here in America, gasoline is expensive.  We pay nearly $3.00 a gallon.  (remember gallons? they are those things that aren't metric).  Now for a senior citizen country like the UK who's all out of oil, $6.00 a gallon may be acceptable, but not here in the US of A! we have our own oil, and we don't need to pay into socialism with high taxes on our commodities.
Lawyers Therapists and Guns are our hearts and souls.  We don't have the stress free lives, that you enjoy, we have to work hard to stay the greatest nation on earth.  We have the best army ever, the highest standard of living (except in Luxemburg, where we launder our money) the best data communication system.  Sure the internet is a European idea, but it wouldn't exist if it weren't for America. Don't Believe me? Ask the UN who was unable to enforce "Changes" to the internet because of American National Sovereignty.  We donate more money then everyone else.  Most of all we have a negative balance of trade! Talk about charity!  So after providing for all of the deadbeats around the world were tired, and stressed, and just have too much money (it's a great feeling) so we hire shrinks and lawyers, who then become rich, and hire their own shrinks and lawyers- It's the circle of life.
As for JFK Forget about it.  Its not worth it. 
You guys can try to collect taxes from us.  In fact I dare you.  Then you can try to take away our guns.  Good Luck And God Bless America.

P.S. Shawn of the Dead sucked!
-Osiris
(just wanted everyone to know the counter argument. Dont get mad at our amazingness)

[EldKatt]

Well, it's not the conflict that John (if he wrote this) is after, but awarness. And he succedes.

My point is that he (and he's not John) does not succeed. All the stupid stuff makes it quite easy to ignore the tiny bits of serious stuff. Very bad rhetoric.

[Andail]

I edited my post and remove all of its contents after having read King Nipper's post. It's simply too awesome a piece of debating to allow any further response on the issue.
Well done, King Nipper, you blew me away

Some highlights:

We have so many things that are so much better then everyone else, that we can have one poorly named sport.  As for the World Series, As far as I'm concerned, when the Russians put a man on the moon, then they can give a shot at beating us at baseball.  Until then Sit down and shut up.

As for Guns, that's a sore spot.  Im hoping that everything is all in good fun, but you don't even joke about taking away our guns.  Its our guns that make us better then you, and better then everyone else.

Lawyers Therapists and Guns are our hearts and souls.

You guys can try to collect taxes from us.  In fact I dare you.  Then you can try to take away our guns.  Good Luck And God Bless America.

just wanted everyone to know the counter argument. Dont get mad at our amazingness

We'll try, King Nipper, but don't yell at us if we fail!

[Nikolas]

...they don't push their culture onto other continents.

But we are the ones that like it. We are the ones that take it in and want more.

King_Nipper: Yes it is the media. As always, you come to the reescue with my poor English. I couldn't remember the word, so instead I used the words mouths and hands. Thanks for that.
All the last 3-4 paragraphs are your opinion. And you seem to argue on whose country is better. I don't see why sir Elton John is worst than Billy Joel. I love them both, and of course the sir could be missing. The same for sir Jamie. But it is indeead bizzare that the only two countries that have their God dealing with what they find most precuious is England and America. God save the Queen! God bless America. Would you imagine a nation yelling God bless Jaque Chiraq? I don't think so.
I study in Royal Holloway, University of London. After one year in London, I just realised that Royal has nothing to do with the Queen, or maybe only the part that she was in the opening (she or her parents or their parents...). Other than that it is in their culture to name Royal everything. We in Greece have Nationalized everything. National Bank of Greece. Nationa scholarship fuondation. National this, national that...

On the matter of global awarness it's seems to me that you made it a little worst for America. All we're saying here is that you have to judge things by seeing a little bit out of your normal environment. To go a little further.

Squinky: I tried defending you the best I could, and also tried to explain some things. But Andail in the end is quite right. The States are affecting the whole world thus everyone can judge the States. Maybe not for everything the non-Cleese says. But for the part that changes our humble lives we can. Furthermore a little analysis will always bring the problem back to the roots. And the roots are in America, don't you agree?