I'm going to be a father.

Nine Toes · Mon 19/12/2005 13:49:57

For the last couple weeks, my girlfriend had been showing signs of moodiness, fatigue, and extreme cravings. She was also 2 weeks late.

So, she took a home pregnancy test tonight. It came out positive.

Needless to say, when we saw the little "plus" sign on the stick, we both just about shit our pants. She started crying, I started shaking and freaking out. An hour or so later, we both had calmed down, and started joking about it as if it was no big deal (talking about funny baby names, and who's going to get up in the middle of the night).

I'm so not ready for something like this... We don't have the money to raise a child. She and I still have a lot of growing up to do. She and I have only been dating since September 7, so we haven't been dating long.

All I can think about right now is diapers, bottles, sleepless nights, and placenta.

I don't know how we are going to tell our families. My mom and stepdad will probably be ecstatic. Her dad is probably going to disembowel me.

She mentioned that her parents will want us to get married. Is that really necessary? The baby is going to be born whether we're married or not. It's not like the child will be disfigured or downtrod if we aren't.

I would never even think about abortion. I'm totally pro-choice, but I'm not even going to ponder on it. I have mentioned adoption... someone else could give the child a life that we can't offer, a better life. I don't know if she wholly agrees with that, if at all. I'm not afraid to step up and be a man, but I'm trying to explore other options (they seem very limited...).

My mom had my older sister when she was 18. Her mom had her when she was 16. I'm 23, and she's 19. Isn't it funny how history repeats itself?

I'm going to have her take another pregnancy test. They're only 99% accurate. That leaves room for a 1% margin of error. (who the fuck am I kidding? I'm screwed...)

I know it sounds really selfish, but I'm really regretting this. Right now, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "It was an accident!!!! I didn't mean for this to happen!!!!". I didn't plan on children until later in life, when I knew it was something that I would be able to handle (money-wise and sanity-wise).

Thoughts?

EDIT: Here's a picture of us. She wonders if the child will be cute...?

BOYD1981 · Mon 19/12/2005 14:03:59

personally i'd say go for having the baby and hell no to getting married because somebody else wants you to, but ultimately the decision is up to the both of you.

SSH · Mon 19/12/2005 14:13:15

My daughters are one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was worried that I wouldn't be into babies, as I was never before, but literally the second my first daughter was born I knew that I would always love her, no matter how smelly her poos were!

I believe in marriage as the best place to bring up kids, but don't do it just because her parents want you to, that wont help anyone.

Just so you know, she'd better stop drinking and smoking right now, for the sake of the baby! And take folic acid supplements.

Barbarian · Mon 19/12/2005 14:18:16

Wow, heavy news man. Ã,Â Best of wishes to you all regardless of what decisions you make in the matter. Ã,Â

Really, it's a matter between you and your girlfriend to decide on. Try and maturely sit-down and discuss the matter openly and honestly with each other. Bring up all the points you want to mention with her, and listen to what she has to say and what she feels about it too.

You should not feel "forced" into marriage if you do not feel ready or not truely wanting to, and like you mentioned you've been in a relationship with her for a relatively short time, so "rushing" into something like marrage may not be the best choice if you both agree that's not what you really want, and being "forced" into a marriage may not be good for the child either.

If abortion is out of the question, then perhaps explore the idea of the adoption option like you thought about, as you say your're both young, only been in a relationship a short-time, and are not financially and mentally prepared to take on the task of raising a child... wheras there are lots of well-off couples, who for whatever reason may not be able to have a baby of their own, may be desperately seeking, willing and able to take on the job of raising a child.

I'm not telling you what to do, just trying to perhaps offer some friendly words of encouragement in your difficult/awkward situation in which you feel really unprepared for at this point in your life. Ã,Â
Ultimately the decision is yours and hers, so I wish you the best of luck. Ã,Â

If you think you may have difficulties from some of the family members, perhaps seek the advice of some family counselor or guidence counselor?

And, praying for help can't hurt either. Ã,Â Also, "home pregnancy tests" can be wrong, so, it might be better to get her checked by a real doctor, and also discuss options in the matter with the doctor. Ã,Â

And, not meaning to be cruel or mean or anything, but if she does decide to go ahead and have the baby and keep it, you might also consider taking a paternity test for your own peace of mind to be "sure" that you're really the father... sorry if that sounds bad.

Hang in there Mr. Hyde. Best regards.

Nine Toes · Mon 19/12/2005 14:21:09

Heh. Thank you, SSH. I was really hoping you would comment, as I would trust your advice on this more than anybody else.

She's not a smoker, but she has given up on partying and drinking. That was the first thing she said. EDIT: I'll still have the occasional brew, but it looks like smoking for me is out the door once and for all.

I know I really don't do well with children (especially babies), as I'm a very impatient person. But maybe you're right. This may do me some good.

Barbarian: I just think that it really shouldn't matter if she and I are married or not. Her parent would want us to be married before the child is born, apparently. To me, a marriage license and a wedding and all that is just more money in the garbage can that could be put towards more useful things. Also, I understand what you mean about being "forced". All things considered, I'm not ready for something like that, either.

I trust her, but I guess a paternity test won't hurt. A real doctor doing a real pregnancy test is something I'm definitely interested in. As far as adoption, I'm open to it, while it saddens me a bit to be giving up my first child to someone I don't even know (especially if it's a little girl...). But I really don't think she would be willing to part with it in any way. She seems standoffish about the idea.

At this time, we are trying to be as mature and level-headed about this as possible. Right now, I figure she and I have about 8 months to get our affairs in order.

I appreciate your input as well. Thank you.

Nacho · Mon 19/12/2005 14:23:19

Quote from: Mr. Hyde on Mon 19/12/2005 13:49:57
Here's a picture of us.Ã,Â She wonders if the child will be cute...?

Babies with beer bottles in their faces are allways awfull.

Seriously... Good luck. You can use AGS to amplify your own thoughts about this, but this is something you gotta face alone, or together with the people you love. We can't really help you, just give you e-support and e-friendship.

On the other hand, I am sure you'll manage well...

Nine Toes · Mon 19/12/2005 14:32:44

Quote from: Farlander on Mon 19/12/2005 14:23:19
We can't really help you, just give you e-support and e-friendship.

I know. That's all I really need.

big brother · Mon 19/12/2005 15:09:05

Well, if her parents come after you with a pitchfork and torch toting crowd, you can always blame it on Dr. Jekyll.

It's hard to tell from the picture what the baby will look like (most likely dark hair, since that's a dominant trait). But it looks like he will be a thirsty one. Maybe with a better picture, we could make it into a Photoshop Friday event. You know, where we can combine the two faces a la that celebrity segment on the Late Show with Conan O'Brien.

Just out of curiosity, what was the birth control situation like prior to the two weeks late bit?

BOYD1981 · Mon 19/12/2005 15:17:40

you could find out what it may look like by recreating both you and your girlfriend in Sims 2 and then make them have a baby...

Squinky · Mon 19/12/2005 15:21:16

Man, I have been there.

My wife (girlfriend then) got pregnant when I was 18ish. I had the opposite problem though, I had asked her to marry me before we even started having sexual relations, but was unable to marry her because of her parents. They told me I was wasn't good enough because I wasn't a christian. And since she was homeschooled way up in "Hells Canyon" which is pretty isolated hence the name, her folks had a lot of sway over her. Even though she was 20.

Well my kid was 5 before we finally got married, but enough about me.

The first thing I thought was that your girlfriend was so young. You gotta go out of your way to take care of her, seriously. This is a rough deal for both of you but even tougher for her.

No matter what this will change your life though, but it's not a bad thing, just different.

shitar · Mon 19/12/2005 15:33:34

Mr Hyde, you could have just said "me and my gf had sex" and that would have been cool...

LOL JK

congrats man, you hoping for a boy or girl?

Disco · Mon 19/12/2005 15:39:35

Quote from: Mr. Hyde on Mon 19/12/2005 14:21:09
As far as adoption, I'm open to it, while it saddens me a bit to be giving up my first child to someone I don't even know (especially if it's a little girl...). But I really don't think she would be willing to part with it in any way. She seems standoffish about the idea.

My younger and extremely unemployed sister gave her baby up for adoption. Honestly it was the best thing she could ever do for him (He is now in the care of a doctor and nurse in their 40s-50s) Though it hurt her much, she knew she did right by him.

Quote from: Barbarian on Mon 19/12/2005 14:18:16
And, not meaning to be cruel or mean or anything, but if she does decide to go ahead and have the baby and keep it, you might also consider taking a paternity test for your own peace of mind to be "sure" that you're really the father... sorry if that sounds bad.

Ooh :o, I would say do that only if there is any doubt you are the father (and from the sounds of it there is none) and not for any other reason. Imagine asking her to do that now of all times , with everything she must be dealing with.

Nikolas · Mon 19/12/2005 15:42:39

Congrats! Think about it!

I'm PMing you about this. And I would appreciate an answer (a discussion or whatever).

Everybody: Sorry but this is personal...

And I think that Barbarian covered most aspects of the thing (the logical ones)...

Ginny · Mon 19/12/2005 15:48:33

First of all, congratulations and good luck with whatever you choose to do.
I was wondering if you have things happening in your life that are time consuming and might make it a problem for you to raise a child, such as studying in university or something like that. My mom left university some time after having me (which I feel kinda guilty about, but I know I shouldn't), but she was much older when I was born anyway, and she was married, so the situation was very different.

Barbarian · Mon 19/12/2005 15:54:05

Quote from: Disco on Mon 06/08/1973 16:57:57
OohÃ,Â :o, I would say do that only if there is any doubt you are the father (and from the sounds of it there is none) and not for any other reason. Imagine asking her to do that now of all times , with everything she must be dealing with.

Yes, you're right about that, I should have worded that more carefully. Only if there's "doubts" in mind, such as being in the relationship for such a short-time and perhaps not knowing or feeling that you're "sure" you're the father, then you might consider about a paternity test. But, if you feel confident that you are the father, then it's probably better to avoid doing such a paternity test at the moment. Ã,Â

Ã,Â I guess I speak from personal experience, where I was in a similar situation when I was younger and definately not ready at that point in my life to raise a child (no job, only 17, and only knowing my girlfrind for such a brief time and not feeling "in love I want to marry you and spend my whole life with you" love... I guess for me at that time it was more "in lust", thinking with the wrong head if you know what I mean), and I only knew the girl a short time, and I didn't really feel sure if I was the father or not. Ã,Â Well, she was angry that I asked, but for my own peace of mind I wanted to be more sure, so I insisted... turns out she was trying to pin it on me, when in fact it I wasn't the father at all, so I'm glad that I did do the paternity test afterall.

Ã,Â Ã,Â But before you and her make any big decisions, I advise you to take her to a real doctor for a "real" pregnacy test... then when you're sure she's pregnent, you can go ahead from there.. who knows, the whole thing might turns out to be a false alarm.

Ã,Â Ã,Â Best of wishes whatever happens.

Chicky · Mon 19/12/2005 16:05:18

Congrats hyde. It's a scary idea eh? Abortion is always on option of course seeing as she's only 2 weeks late.

I don't really have anything helpful to say but i hope it all goes well for you. Also you're wearing the same tshirt again

rharpe · Mon 19/12/2005 16:18:08

Mr. Hyde: You'll be a great dad! I'm currently an adoptive dad and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. My little girl is now 2 years and three months. Time goes by so quick! First you'll be waiting for that first smile, then that first giggle, next you'll be comparing her/his looks to you and your girlfriend. Watching my daughter grow from an infant to a toddler has been the most amazing experience in my life! She is learning French and English and says both with such cuteness, you just melt! I love coming home from work having her at the top of the stairs yelling "Papa, Papa, Papa!" with her arms wide open for a hug. She even melts others by winking at them, blowing kisses and smiles any time I tell her to. She is the MOST precious thing in my life... I couldn't live without her.

Even though being married makes the job much easier, don't...I repeat...DO NOT get married to your girlfriend unless you know she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. You do her and the baby no justice if you only get married because of your "mistake".

And if you ever decide adoptions is a possibility, my wife and I are always looking to have more children, being that we cannot have any of our own. You may PM me if you like concerning this.

It's nice to hear that abortion is NOT an option.

shitar · Mon 19/12/2005 16:50:55

LOL RHARPE?? Did you just ask Hyde if you could buy his baby??

eBay babies anyone?

IM NOT TEH SPAM · Mon 19/12/2005 17:04:11

That's an odd way of taking it...

Wow...
Good luck... I mean, thinking of parenting is just dizzying for me... I have to say i greatly respect your decision to not have an abortion. Whatever you decide to do, good luck. You'll figure it all out, I'm sure.

Nacho · Mon 19/12/2005 17:09:04

Shitar:

Will we be allowed to use the same sense of humour you're using when you post about something you deeply care? Because it's obvious that this topic is important for Mr. Hyde...

Image your reaction if someone does reply something funny in your thread about the former Yugoslavia... Does it hurt? Yes? So... keep humour for funny threads.