your best jokes!

[Phemar]

French joke:

- Waiter waiter, le mouche!
- Non non, la mouche.
- Damn you got good eyes!

[InCreator]

Hmm.

Man walks into public toilet. Sits down, grabs a newspaper.
Suddenly hears:
"Hello, how's it going?"
Man looks suspiciously around, looks into pot under him, then answers:
"Oh, I'm fine."
Voice asks further:
"Where are you? What are you doing?"
Man replies:
"Oh, in a toilet, taking a dump."

Voice says: "Carla, I'll call you later. I'm in a public toilet and some pervert in next booth answers all my questions to you."

Another one:
Man buys brand new Mercedes. Drives around, but hits a nail on a road. Well, pulls over and starts to repair the tire. Another man approaches and asks what is he doing.
"Are you blind? I'm taking the wheel off!"
Other man breaks the glass and says:
"Fine! I'll take the stereo then!"

[Meowster]

Here's the joke that's flying around Ireland because of the Eurovision.

First though;

There's a points system in Ireland, whereby if you get caught by the police speeding in your car, you get 'points'. When you get 12 points, your licence is taken away. Every couple of years, your slate is wiped clean of points.

Chris Doran is the eurovision entry this year, and he got the lowest score for Ireland ever, with 7 points which we got from one vote from the UK.

[iB - ]Why does Chris Doran drive at 100mph?
A - Because it's the only way he's ever gonna get 12 points.

[InCreator]

Remembered one of my favourite ones, though it's very silly one:

Man dies. Goes to heaven and meets God. Well, man starts to make a deal with God, wants to live further and get back among mortals. God decides to test his will. He turns man into a spider and puts him onto roof of 100-story skyscraper. When man/spider is able to get to the ground level using his string, he will be sent back to world of living people. Well, man/spider attaches his string to a roof and starts to move downwards. He reaches to 50th floor and feels that he's running out of string. He presses, presses... Reaches 30th floor. String is dangerously low. He presses further, presses... With big effort, he manages to reach tenth floor. He's almost out of string... but he keeps pressing, and so he presses, presses... Suddenly his wife wakes man up and yells: "What the fuck are you doing? You have shitted all over the bed...!"

[Redwall]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a deserted island. They find a magic lamp, which they rub to make a genie appear. The genie will give them each one wish. The brunette says, "I wish I were home with my family." -POOF!- She's back with her family. The redhead says, "I wish I were in the city." -POOF!- She's back in the city. The blonde looks around sadly and says, "I wish my friends were here."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a deserted island 20 miles offshore. With no other option, they decide to attempt to swim back. The brunette swims four miles, gets tired, and drowns. The redhead swims ten miles out, gets tired, and drowns. The blonde swims 18 miles out, decides she's tired, and swims all the way back.

How do you kill a blonde?
Stick a scratch-and-sniff sticker to the bottom of a pool.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Take her to the Oval Office and tell her to go sit in the corner.