your best jokes!

[Jimi]

nice one...s...

[Adamski]

Promise you'll never post another joke again.

[Jimi]

That was a joke in its self!  

[Archangel (aka SoupDragon)]

Ok, here's a German joke that our German teacher translated for us today in our lesson...

A man is walking down the street, when he sees a huge pot of gold. He goes up to this pot, and notices a guy standing by it.
"What's this gold for?" he asks.
"Ah, that's the jackpot, you see. If someone completes the three challenges, then they win all the money."
"Really? And nobody's done this yet? What are the challenges?"
"Well, first you have to drink this beer in one gulp," he says motioning to a three-litre jug of beer. "Then, wrestle a mastiff to death with your bare hands. Finally, there's an old, dirty, smelly woman living on the top floor of a house nearby; your job is to rape her."

"I'm up for that," speaks our hero, before promply downing the three litres of beer (which, I am told, is not that much for a German ). "Right," he says, by now more than a little tipsy, "where's the second challenge?"
The challenge master opens a door nearby. "The mastiff's in here."

For a long time, various hidious yells, yelps, barks and growls are heard, before everything falls ominously silent. The door opens, and out staggers the man; his clothes torn, blood over his face and hands, but still maraculously alive.

"Right," he says. "Where's this old woman I've got to kill?"

[12431]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

that's a funny one.

A man rubbed a little bottle he found on the beach, and suddenly a genie came out. it said: "I'm willing to grant you three wishes, but your mother in law will get something 10 times as good.". the man said okay, and started wishing for stuff.

"for my first wish i want a million dollars." the genie gave him a million dollars and gave his mother in law 10 million dollars.

"for my second wish I want a house." the genie gave him a house, and gave his mother in law a huge villa.

then he said: "for my third wish, I want a small heartattack"

[Harvester]

A Bosnian caught a golden shark (don't ask me how, ok?). The shark said "If you let me go I'll grant you a wish."
"OK" says our hero "I want my penis to be so long that it touches the ground!"
"OK" said the shark and bit his legs off.

[Fuzzpilz]

A Macedonian caught a golden shark. The shark said "If you let me go I'll grant you a wish."
"OK," says our hero, "I want a million dollars!"
"OK," said the shark and bit his legs off.

[remixor]

A Macedonian caught a golden shark. The shark said "If you let me go I'll grant you a wish."
"OK," says our hero, "I want a million dollars!"
"OK," said the shark and bit his legs off.

ROFLMALMALMLOOALALAMAFL!!1111!!  TEH FUNY!!11

[Timosity]

For my Remake of LSL3 I'm going to update the Comedy Hut to have more modern jokes.

Some of the Jokes are outdated or racist,

also in the original you have to enter 3 Ethnic groups, I want to change it to something else but haven't decided yet.

eg. your 3 favourite celebrities.

any other ideas will be appreciated

I'll go through these jokes to see if anything will fit

you can add some more smutty or funny jokes to this thread and they may get included.

just to add an original joke from the game, one goes something like this.

"My wife just bought a water bed."

"I call it the dead sea."

pretty bad hah!

[Femme Stab Mode >:D]

I don't know if this one was posted before I kind off didn't read all the jokes but-
George Bush visits a school in the middle of a lesson where little kiddies are beeing taught what different words mean. He decides to try and teach and asks the children -" Would you give me an example of a tragedy?"
One kid raises his hand and says - " Well, if my best friend got ran over by a car that would be a tragedy"
"No,"-Says Bush, "that would be an ACIDENT"
Another kid raises her hand and says "Well, if a bus full of kids ran aff a cliff that would be a tragedy"
"No,", says Bush, "that would be a GREAT LOSS"
Little Jonhy raises his hand and says " Well, if and Iraqi fighter shot down a plane with you and Mrs.Bush in it that would be a tragedy"
"Excelent!" Yells Bush."Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well, it wouldn't be an acident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss"

[12431]

one political, and one osama bin laden-joke.

president bush was driving a limosine, and suddenly it drove of the road right into a little lake. three boys fished him up. bush said: thank you! for this I will grant you guys one wish each.

the first boy said he wanted a caddilac. bush said: heck! I'll give you ten caddilacs!

the second boy said he wanted a true copy of the air force one. bush said: with a massagebed, bowlingcourt and jacuzi!

the third one said he wanted a nice wheelchair. bush said: sure. but why do you want a wheelchair?
the boy responded: well, when I come home and i tell my parents I've resQed you, it'll come in handy.


osama bin laden died and came to hell.
satan said: hi osama! I'm a big fan! and sinse you're so famous, I'll let you choose your own destiny.
osama liked that.

in cell number one there was a man in a pool swimming and swimming. "I've gotta swim for all eternity?" osama said. satan responded: "hell! there are two other options."

in the next cell, a man where shooting in a shooting-range.
"been there. done that" osama said. "well there's only one option left for you then." satan said.

in the last cell bill clinton and monica lewinsky where having sex. "now that's something I wanna do for all eternity!" osama said. "great!" satan said. "monica, you're free to go!"

[..]

BUMP

This was supposedly voted to be the funniest ever Joke.. I kind of giggled, briefly and only that was because someone fell off their chair (not laughing)

Operator: Hello
Man: Hi My wifes just slipped over in the forest, and shes not responding
Operator: I'll send an Ambulance, It could take a while.
Man: Ok... What should I do?
Operator: Well Is she dead?
Man: I'll go see
*The operator hears the man walking away and then a loud crack and the man picks up the phone again*
Man: Ok, She's dead, now what....

-------------------------------------

Two blondes buy a brand new convertable and take it out for a spin.
They get out and realise that they locked their keys in the car.
One gets a hairclip and starts fumbling around trying to pick the lock.
Suddenly the other Blonde says: Quick, Hurry up, It looks like its about to rain and we left the roof open....

[HillBilly]

Black Man: You're White.
White Man: Yes..
White Man: And you're black.
Black Man: YOU FUCKING RACIST!11!!!11!one

[viktor]

Litle Timy is asking his grandmother: "Grany what's a lover"
The grany screams: "DAMN IT"
She runs up to the atic unlocks an old closed and a skeleton fals out...

here's another one:

A nurse pages the doctor: "Doc here is a man with out legs in the waiting room."
The doc responds: "Tell him to step right in."

[viktor]

Here's one for you gamers.
A heker dies and goes to heaven. Holy peter sais:" You've been a bad guy. You haked a lot of computers. You are going strait to hell."
3 months later the devil cales up to heaven andscreams: "WHY DID YOU SEND HIM DOWN HERE. HE KILLED ALL THE DEVLINS AND BROKE ALL THE POTS! NOW HE'S RUNING ALL OVER THE PLACE SCREAMIN HE CAN'T FIND THE KEY TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!!"

[Samuli]

Here goes:

A boy comes to his father and asks:"Dad, can you tell me how the society works? I need to know this for school." Pleased to see his son is doing something else than playing video games the father makes up an example:"Well sonny, society reminds alot like our family: I represent economical power for I go to work and bring money home. Your mother is like the congress, she decides what we use this money for. And then there is your nanny, she does all the work here in the house, so you could say she's the labor force. Because we spend money for your wellbeing, you represent the public. And finally, your baby brother is like the future of the country."

The boy is confused because of all the information but assures the dad he has understood. So the night comes and the boy goes to bed. However, in the middle of the night he happens to awake for he has to visit the loo. On his way he passes his little brothers room. The poor baby has soiled himself and is crying out loud. Well, the boy decides to go and wake her mother up. He tries and tries, but the mother just keeps on sleeping. Being frustrated the kid goes back to his room to sleep. While he passes the nannys room, he sees his father in action with her in bed. His dad also notes him and shows him to go away. Now the boy is truly confused and just goes back to sleep.

The next day after school the father comes to the boy and asks:"Well, were you able to explain how the society works?" "Yes", the boy replies:"I understood it perfectly: the congress sleeps while the economical powers fuck the labor, nobody cares about the public, and everyone ignores the fact that the future of the country is overall covered with shit."

[Edit] Here's another one:

There's a circus in town and in the middle of a fantastic show the announcer says:"In the next part we want everyone in the audience to be as quiet as possible. The next performer is going to need all the possible concentration so we're also switching off almost all the lights." So the whole stadium is all quiet and dark except for a single spotlight in the middle of the tent. In the spotlight there is but one little stool. A moment passes, then a man appears from the darkness, sits on the stool and pulls his pants down. Without a warning the man starts to masturbate. The shocked audience watches quietly remembering the words of the announcer. The man keeps on masturbating as time passes. 5 minutes and going. 10 minutes. Finally, after fifeteen minutes of intense masturbation one spectator rises up and shouts:"For the love of god, stop it, will you!" The man in the spotlight jumps up still holding his privates, looks around nervously and says :" Is there someone out there?"

[ElectricMonk]

How does a Zen buddhist order a pizza?
"Make me one with everything."


Three Irishmen are walking home from a long night's drinking. Paddy slips and falls into a ditch and breaks his leg. "Quick!" he yells. "Call me an ambulance!"
"Paddy is an ambulance, Paddy is an ambulance..."


What's big, green and triangular?
A big green triangle.


1955:
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Albert Einstein."
"I'm afraid you'll have to prove that."
Einstein asks for a blackboard and some chalk and starts writing down some insanely complicated equations. Saint Peter spends considerable time checking them through and finally concludes, "OK, you're Einstein. Welcome to heaven."
1973:
Pablo Picasso dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Pablo Picasso."
"I'm afraid you'll have to prove that."
Picasso asks for a canvas and some paint and starts painting a crazy yet wonderful abstract picture. Saint Peter looks at the painting with admiration. "OK, you're Picasso. Welcome to heaven."
20xx:
George W. Bush dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
"Who are you?"
"I'm George Walker Bush Junior."
"I'm afraid you'll have to prove that."
"Why?"
"Everyone does. Even Einstein and Picasso did."
"Who the hell are Einstein and Picasso?"
"Welcome to heaven."

[HillBilly]

Two hobo's were walking down the railroad when one of them said: "For just two days ago I met a woman on the tracks and we had the greatest sex ever." "Wow! Did she give you head too?" "No," the first one replies. "I couldn't find it."

[Nine Toes]

I was test driving a new pickup truck the other day.  It had one of those new voice activated satellite radios in it.  You know, you say what kind of music you want to listen to, and the radio plays it.

Well I'm driving down the street, and I say, "Rock".  So "Hell's Bells" comes on.

"Hey, this is pretty nice," I said.  So then I said, "Country", and "The Ring Of Fire" comes on.

Well, I was fidgeting with the radio, so I wasn't paying attention to the road as well as I should have been.  But when I glanced up at the road for a second, some kid kicked his ball out into the road in front of me, and he ran out to grab it.

I slammed on the brakes, and I almost hit the kid.  Well the kid grabbed his ball and ran off.

"Fuckin' kids..." I muttered.

Next thing I know, "Billie Jean" is playing on the radio.

[Unilin]

Two men and a cowboy walk into a bar and then cease to exist due to a fluke convergence in quantum probability waves.