Squid Wars: Episode I

[PsychicHeart]

hey,
i've been thinking of making a series of short stories that are a pretty much parody of Star Wars, but it's in the ocean. Anyhoo, any feedback would be appreciated. http://www.2dadventure.com/ags/squidwarsepisodeI.doc

Cheers,
Blake.

[DoorKnobHandle]

Sorry, didn't see your story link. Nevermind.

BUT I can only recommend you that you start one thing and stick to it, you've been developing like three or four ideas for potential games in the last month. Decide for one and then stick to it. Especially when you are new to game creation.

Concerning your story: I suppose you practice more writing and try to become better at it. Your story seems to "not fit together quite right" from time to time. Also I'd say you should try to take more time on howyou formulate things.

[PsychicHeart]

what did i do wrong?

[[Cameron]]

Does anyone else find the stroy really confusing? I re read it Ã, a couple of times and i'm still confused.

[PsychicHeart]

oh i understand what i did wrong. but, this is for my game. I'm making the game and producing the short stories in conjunction. So... i dunno. does it fit in here now? And no, i didn't just bullshit this to keep it from getting locked........really i didn't.......

[Mr Jake]

Ok, first, instead of using 4 periods there is a key one to the left.  This key produces a comma, this is what you are looking for most of the time when you use "....." in your posts.

Second, in the story, when a new person talks you should start a new line.
You shouldn't use a stupidly large font just to make your work seem longer, size 10 - 12 is enough.  The story contains no paragraphs and in its current lack of formatting is pretty hard to read and understand.

Also what are you talking about doing something wrong? Who said this thread was wrong?

[DoorKnobHandle]

Well, I kinda did, because I first thought he was creating this post just to say that he started working on another project. And woudn't belong here.

Then I read his story and edited my post accordingly.

BACK TO THE TOPIC: Also, you should start writing your stories in a more design document kind-of-way. Add little technical instructions every here and there like the people do when they describe puzzles. It will help the scripter/coder later on a lot... I also agree with Hotspots tips.

[Ali]

A few points:

‘Vinegar!' Luke instantly asked.

If he asked there should be a question mark, if he exclaimed there should be an exclaimation mark.

‘A dual saber, impressive.' Octi fathomed.

This doesn't make sense, and blunts the effect of a nautical pun on 'fathom'.

'Yes. Vinegar has imprisoned me, tortured me, and literally tore me apart.'

If he was torn apart, how is he walking?

More importantly:

If you are spoofing Star Wars, why doesn't your story follow the same path as Star Wars? The events you recount never occur across 6 highly spoofable movies.

Tell a story, don't just list a sequence of events that show no progression.

The story's first comma is unnessessary. Many, many commas are missing from that point onwards, particularly in dialogue.

Finally, use paragraphs.
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