Bad Jokes

Domino · Wed 26/07/2006 01:48:08

Okay, i got a bad joke that has probably been heard before.

What is long and hard and filled with seamen?

Spoiler

A SUBMARINE

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deadsuperhero · Wed 26/07/2006 01:57:31

A variation of that goes like so:
What's long, hard, and feels good when you sit on it?
A dick?
No, a dock.

Scummbuddy · Wed 26/07/2006 02:16:24

My dad just randomly sent me this one:
-----
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.Ã,Â
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Spoiler

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.Ã,Â

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JRock · Wed 26/07/2006 03:22:34

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it!

HeirOfNorton · Wed 26/07/2006 06:23:05

Hey, all this, and no blonde jokes?

Two blondes were walking in the forest when they came across a set of tracks.

"Those are deer tracks!" One blonde said.

"No, those are bear tracks!" Said the other.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

----

What does a blonde call her panties?

Ankle warmers.

----

A blonde starts working at an assembly plant where they make Tickle Me Elmo (tm) dolls. Later that day, her supervisor notices that the assembly line is very backed-up, so he goes out to see what the problem is. He finds the blonde desperately trying to sew a small pocket with two walnuts onto each of the dolls.

Barely containing his laughter, he tells her, "I said to give each doll two test tickles!"

----

(In my own defense for these, half the women in my family are blonde. So I've had a lot of practice telling them

)

HoN

Radiant · Wed 26/07/2006 08:29:28

More bad jokes...

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

Spoiler

Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

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What's a blonde with two brain cells?

Spoiler

Pregnant.

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There are three kinds of people in this world: people who can count, and people who cannot.

charliechuck · Wed 26/07/2006 09:22:35

what do you call a blind dear ?

No idea ( no eyed dear?)

what do you call a blind dear that doesn't move

still no idea

what do you call a blind dear that doesn't move and has just had sex

still no f**king idea

there's another bit but i can't remember it..

SSH · Wed 26/07/2006 09:41:26

deer, not dear, dear

DGMacphee · Wed 26/07/2006 13:06:59

I loves me the shit out of this joke from a friend of mine:

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

One of them walks on the moon...

The other fucks little boys.

Tom S. Fox · Wed 26/07/2006 14:26:23

This reminds me in a really nasty joke:

What does a belgian mole say?
"Out of my way, children!"

Sorry to all belgians!

HillBilly · Wed 26/07/2006 15:12:21

Why did the baboon fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the second baboon fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the first baboon.

Why did the third baboon fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

What is green and brown and can kill you if it falls on you from a tree?

Spoiler

a pool table

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CaptainBinky · Wed 26/07/2006 15:42:24

What's brown and hangs from tree branches?

Spoiler

monkey poo

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What's white and hangs from tree branches?

Spoiler

monkey semen

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What's green and hangs from tree branches?

Spoiler

leaves

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Radiant · Wed 26/07/2006 15:50:14

Quote from: DGMacphee on Wed 26/07/2006 13:06:59
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Do you know why Michael Jackson got divorced?

Spoiler

He misunderstood the concept of 'having children'.

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Bartimaeus · Wed 26/07/2006 16:50:28

Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
A. You would too if your name was "HGHJSBLEUGH".

Q. What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up?
A. Goes home.

Q. How did the maths professor get rid of his constipation?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

And to add to Zor's extremely disturbing list...

Q. What's the difference between a BMW Z4 and a sack of dead babies?
A. I don't have a BMW Z4 in my garage.

Phemar · Wed 26/07/2006 16:50:49

A little boy comes home and says to his dad, "Dad, I lost my virginity today!" So his dad says, "Well son, come sit down and tell me all about it!" The boy looks at his father and says, "I can't dad my ass is still sore!"

I'm waiting for someone to post the ping-pong joke (or some variant) ...

Afflict · Wed 26/07/2006 18:07:06

Hehe.. not for the sensative of viewers...

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Spoiler

Depends on how hard you throw

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Whats gross?

Spoiler

a dead baby

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Whats groser than that?

Spoiler

two dead babies

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And groser than that ?

Spoiler

A pile of dead babies!

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And even more gross than that ?

Spoiler

A week old pile of dead babies

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And even more gross than that ?

Spoiler

One live baby underneath a week old pile of dead babies!

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And even more gross than that ?

Spoiler

The baby eating his way out!

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And even more gross than that ?

Spoiler

Returning for seconds!

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END...

Mad-Hatter · Wed 26/07/2006 18:16:35

An old man is drving down a deserted driveway one day. He's speeding, too. Suddenly, the state trooper gets after him. Sirens flashing and what not, the two have a high speed chase for quite a while.
Finally, the old man decides to give up and pull over.

So, the state trooper walks up to his car and says, "It's Friday, the end of my shift, I'm late for dinner, but I'm in a pretty good mood. If you can give me ONE GOOD REASON why you were speeding, I'll let you off scot-free."

so the old man answers, "Twenty years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper.... I thought you were bringing her back."

MillsJROSS · Thu 27/07/2006 03:19:27

Dead Baby Jokes, huh? You really think that's appropriate?

Because I sure do!

Don't read if you have a sense of taste.

What's funnier than a dead baby?

Spoiler

A dead baby in a clown suit

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And to go for more punchier ones, the two on top of my list (which is actually pretty long...I know I should get some help).

What do you get when you skin a dead baby?

Spoiler

An erection

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What's the difference between a white dead baby and a black dead baby?

Spoiler

About twenty seconds in the microwave

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Some tasteless Jewish jokes

Why do jews have such big noses?

Spoiler

Air is free

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What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

Spoiler

A canoe tips

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What's so bad about being a blakc jew?

Spoiler

You have to sit in the back of the oven

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Now on to something completely different...

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Spoiler

Because she's a women

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Why do tampons have strings?

Spoiler

So you can floss afterwards

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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the egg cross the road?
It had the inclination.

A long one:

A guy was walking home from work, and on his way home he walks by a grave yard. As he's passing this grave yard, he hears a huge explosion, and upon looking at it's direction, he sees dirt flying everywhere. And when the air is clear, he sees a coffin standing up by a grave. Being creeped out a little, he quickens his pace home. As he does so, he hears a thumping noise, and in the corner of his eye, he sees the coffin is moving in his direction.

This being enough to freak him out, he quickens his pace even more. And as he does so, he can hear the thump of the coffin behind him increasing it's speed. Till his finally running full speed. He reaches his house and unlock the door as quickly as possible, slamming it shut and locking it. And suddenly he hears a BANG. The coffin is breaking the door down, and the door looks like it might only take a few more hits, so the guy runs upstairs and locks himself into the bathroom. In a few moments he hears another bang as his front door is broken. And then he hears the thump of the coffin as it begins to go upstairs.

Thump
Thump
Thump

Bang! As the coffin slams into the bathroom door. The guy looks around for any escape available to him. No window, or other doors. So he begins to look for some weapon as the coffin bangs on the door. BANG! The door flies open, and the guy frantically grabs the first thing he finds, a bottle of VICs vapor rub, and the coffin stops.

-MillsJROSS

Mad-Hatter · Thu 27/07/2006 03:44:55

As my Uncle Claude once said:

"My mother-in-law and I never got along. She always was griping at me and telling me to do things. One day I got fed up with it and told her I wasn't going to take it anymore.

'You'd better be nice to me!' she said, 'Because YOU are responsible for burying me when I die. And if you're not nice to me, I will dig my way up out of the grave and HAUNT you!'

Well, I got news for her.... I'm going to bury her face down. Let her dig."

Domino · Thu 27/07/2006 03:46:24

I am going to hell for this.

How did Helen Keller burn her face when the phone rang?

Spoiler

SHE ANSWERED THE IRON

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