She wants to be my instant girlfriend.

[Raggit]

This is a tremendous story, but I gotta tell it because my head is spinning.Ã,  However, I have some certainty that I'm not the only one who's been through something like this.

Ooookay,

So there's this girl in my class.Ã,  She's twenty years old and has had two kids.Ã, 

We got to making small talk the other day, just casual.Ã,  She tells me about her kid that she just had with her boyfriend who is really controlling and psychopathic.

The weekend goes by, and I see here again on Monday.Ã,  We talk some more, and start to get a little more friendly.Ã,  She's really warming up to me, because nobody has ever really treated her very kindly, and she doesn't know what it means when a guy is just nice to her.Ã, 

Then she's like wanting to come see my house and bring her kid over so he can see my pets, so I'm like, okay whatever, and she does.Ã,  Before coming she makes this weird comment, "I gotta get permission first."Ã,  Okay, that was kind of weird since she lives independently.Ã,  As it turns out, her boyfriend makes her check in and out with him before she goes anywhere, and has to know how long she'll be gone, etc.

She comes over, stays awhile, and we start talking about her relationship to her boyfriend, and that she really should get out of it, and that she knows she should and stuff like that.Ã,  I was just trying to be understanding here, and listen.

Then she realizes she doesn't have a whole lot of gas in her car.Ã,  So I'm like, okay, I'll follow you a little ways back to your house and make sure you don't run out.Ã,  It was dark and she was in an area she didn't really know.Ã, 

I see her the next day, and she's like, "I couldn't sleep last night.Ã,  I kept thinking about you."

I couldn't really sleep either, but it was more out of concern that her boyfriend would beat the crap out of her for being out past her "curfew."

Turns out she was up at 5:00 in the morning writing me some poems.Ã,  And then after that, she starts giving me poem after poem, and we're like passing notes, and I'm really confused, but for some reason I'm sort of liking this.

Over the next couple of days, we spend time after school together, talking and stuff.Ã,  I'm still liking it, and she is REALLY liking it, and by this time she's convinced that we're soulmates and that we're destined to be together.Ã,  Okay, I'm not that sure at this point.Ã,  After discussing this with a close friend of mine who's been through this kind of situation before, he says to end it immediately before it gets too far.

So the day after that I go to school with every intention of breaking this thing off immediately, but don't.Ã,  Instead I get drawn into it a little further.Ã,  I mean, we seemed to click together well, and we spent that evening together talking.Ã, 

That night, the reality comes into focus:Ã,  She's 20, has two kids, we come from completely different backgrounds, and I'm not ready to get involved with somebody who has two kids and an insanely controlling boyfriend.Ã,  There is no sane reason to pursue this "romance" that has sprung up over a period of about a week and is based on nothing but emotion and no concrete understanding, with her still under the control of her crazy boyfriend who she wants to get away from soon.

The next day (today) I end it.Ã,  She gets upset, but isn't really crying.Ã,  She doesn't say a whole lot.Ã,  Then she asks to leave early and takes off.Ã,  I feel bad, but know that I did the right thing.

Now, she just called me up a minute ago and wanted to know if she could come over to "hang out."Ã,  She also wanted to bring a friend of hers over that I just barely met.Ã,  That'd be pretty akward, and I suggested that we wait a few days and level ourselves out before getting together again.Ã,  I said, okay, I'll see you at school.Ã,  Then she's like, "I don't know if I'll be there."

Now she's probably thinking that it'd be too painful to sit in the same classroom with me.Ã,  Hopefully she's not going to drop her education because of an infatuation.

Anyway, so that's what has happened to me the past week.Ã,  Now I'm wondering whether or not I should try to be a friend to her, or if I should try to distance myself from her, or what.Ã,  Is she going to become obsessive and call me constantly, and come over to my house all the time?Ã, 

Will her jealous boyfriend beat her up for this?Ã,  Will he beat me up?Ã,  Will he come to my house drunk and stoned and tear up my car, property, and ME?

This whole thing is crazy, and all I can say is I'm glad it's come to a halt now, and not later.Ã,  I just hope it goes away quickly and quietly.Ã, 

[LGM]

Just tell her how you feel, not much else you can do.

[Barbarian]

Well, I think you did the right thing to call it off sooner than later.
Sounds like an awkward situation, and she was a bit "obsessive" and seeming to rush things for some romantic relationship with you, where you were trying to show some friendship.

Unfortunately, the way it often works in life is that some people don't get the concept that people of opposite sexes can be friends without it being intimate or romantic.

You can simply explain to her you were extending some friendship, but you were not looking to be involved in a romantic / intimate relationship. But perhaps it's now best to just keep your distance.  Seems she's got some issues to deal with, has a lack of confidence, lack of self-esteem and she's a bit unstable. Perhaps what she really needs she needs is a counselor.  It's not your fault if she decides to not come to school or whatever.

Play it cool. Good luck.

[Shane 'ProgZmax' Stevens]

That night, the reality comes into focus:  She's 20, has two kids, we come from completely different backgrounds, and I'm not ready to get involved with somebody who has two kids and an insanely controlling boyfriend.  There is no sane reason to pursue this "romance" that has sprung up over a period of about a week and is based on nothing but emotion and no concrete understanding, with her still under the control of her crazy boyfriend who she wants to get away from soon.

Yes, this is a recipe for disaster.  Never get involved with someone already involved.

The next day (today) I end it.  She gets upset, but isn't really crying.  She doesn't say a whole lot.  Then she asks to leave early and takes off.  I feel bad, but know that I did the right thing.

This is very wise, particularly since you don't really 'know' her boyfriend or the whole truth, just what she's told you.  I was in a relationship where the girl was manufacturing sob stories for sympathy, so take such things with a grain of salt until/unless you can verify it by going right to the source.

[Evil]

I've had problems similar to this one. I too felt that despite the fact I wasn't interested any more, I still felt the need to help. In reality it's just a cry for attention. I know some people say that can't get out of abusive relationships, but they can. The best thing is to be nice but steer clear of any time outside of classes. If you don't see her for a few days, check in and see how her schooling is going. Don't cut her off. Be a friendly aquentance, not a friend.

And most of all, don't think about it.

Besides, a lot of the time they miss the abuser and go back to them.

[Las Naranjas]

I guess the larger part of why you're posting is to gain affirmation that you acted correctly in an awkward situation.

If so, I'm happy to give it. From what you say, you took the only responsible course of action.

[TheYak]

I was reading through expecting to rapidly dash off a reply telling you to . . . do exactly what I read later you did.  It's nice that you're concerned for her current well being post-whateverthehellthiswas, but it seems best for her, you, and the kids.  Try not to regret it taking as long as it did, after all you're only human and it can take awhile for the left brain to kick in.  I speak from a comparatively hyperbolic relationship experience.  Thankfully, you're smarter than I was.

[thewalrus]

     The only question I have is how do you "REALLY" feel about her? I mean putting aside the boyfriend.......

[Raggit]

Ã,  Ã,  Ã, The only question I have is how do you "REALLY" feel about her? I mean putting aside the boyfriend.......

How do I feel about her?  Well, I have to admit, I was feeling attracted to her.  One half of me wanted to continue the "relationship."  The other half was like, "Dude, wake up!  You just turned 18, you gotta keep a clear head to get your education, go to college, and pursue your career.  You aren't ready to jump into a relationship with somebody who is already so far into her life."

I now know I did the right thing.  I just hope I know how to deal with her from now on.  I do feel sorry for her.  But I don't want either one of us to get the wrong idea again.

[Tuomas]

The other half was like, "Dude, wake up!Ã,  You just turned 18, you gotta keep a clear head to get your education, go to college, and pursue your career.Ã,  You aren't ready to jump into a relationship with somebody who is already so far into her life."

I thought that goes like "Dude, you're 18. Now's the chance of your lifetime to get some mature ass. Shag her like never before!"

At least that's how it goes with me, but I guess I'm just a normal teen. oh, and not 18 anymore.

[thewalrus]

     Well then all things considered you did do the right thing.....

[Raggit]

Update:

Okay, she just showed up at my house about five minutes ago.  I saw her pull in, and then a second later she knocks on the door.  I decided not to answer.  Then she rings the bell.  I still don't answer.  Then she hangs around for about five minutes more and drives off.

Now, the phone just rang and it was her saying she was just by my place and wants me to call her back.  Now what?   

[big brother]

Dance for joy

[Tuomas]

Call her, seriously, see what she wants.

EDIT: Oh, and don't tell her you were home, say that you were for example taking a walk.

[Erpy]

Out of curiousity, what "background" is she from? (since you mentioned your background is different from hers)

The way you describe her, she seems:

- Very quick to rush into a romantic relationship and develop an almost obsessive passion towards someone. No doubt she had similar feelings for her current boyfriend at some point in the past, which either made her oblivious to his psycho-nature or made her see his negative qualities as a challenge to overcome, rather than a warning sign to stay away.

and

- Prone to be in destructive relationships. If she has a kid from this controlling guy, she must have been around him for quite some time. (just because she says she wants out doesn't mean she'll be able to) Her way of relating with guys seems to be pretty damaged and self-destructive.

As Barbarian noted, lots of red flags there. Obviously strong lack of self-esteem. While you mentioned you weren't ready for a serious relationship, she may be even less ready for a healthy relationship. Possible retaliations from the abusive boyfriend aside, her patterns of relating would possibly ruin a romantic involvement for you. Either she'd move her passion to someone else at some point (just like she did with you) or she'd become frustrated because you can't return the near limitless affection in the expected quantities.

If you want to help her, talk to her, but keep your distance. Find out what you can about what she wants and about herself. I personally wouldn't be surprised if she had some childhood trauma (like abusive parent(s)) that caused her to develop what seems to be a serious case of either relationship addiction or battered wife syndrom. Try to get her to find help in the form of a counsillor...she sounds like she needs mental help more than another relationship to overfocus on.

[Raggit]

Out of curiousity, what "background" is she from? (since you mentioned your background is different from hers)

She says she is from an abusive, broken, homeless past.Ã,  The way she acts that's either very true, or she's just a great actor.

BTW, I decided not to call her back.  I told her last night on the phone I'd see her Monday, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

[InCreator]

What to do... what to do. It's quite easy!

Sit down with her. And seriously ask what does she want? Where does she want to go? End up?

Let her explain her vision and acts. Maybe she hasn't even thinked about it seriously.
How does she imagine future of hers, yours and you two (er- three... er-five) together?

I'm quite sure that after giving it some thought, she realizes that there couldn't be any.
Kids need their dad, after all.

[Raggit]

Increator, been there done that.Ã,  Ã, She says she invisions OUR future.Ã,  Us, together.Ã,  Forever and ever.Ã,  It's destiny.Ã,  She's been sent to me by God himself.Ã, 

"Hi Loraine, I am your density."

Back when I thought we were just being friends, I said that she was welcome to come over or call on the phone if she ever needed to talk.Ã,  But now I'm not sure how to tell her that she's welcome AS LONG as it has nothing to do with trying to make me her lifemate.

[Erpy]

She says she is from an abusive, broken, homeless past.  The way she acts that's either very true, or she's just a great actor.

[rant]No woman interested in you would play a charade like this on you because of its obvious ineffectiveness. A traumatic childhood would certainly explain her (co)dependent behavior set and belief that true "love" is the only requirement to overcome any and all practical obstacles. Lots of women who grew up in abusive homes grow to use relationships as an escape mechanism...first to get out of their parental home and then to forget their emotional issues. The fact she's only 20 and has 2 kids already would suggest she did just that in the past. (and still is now)

If you're gonna hang around her as a friend/acquaintance, you might get the opportunity at some point to suggest professional help such as a counsillor or peer support group to her. If she's not ready to accept the fact she's lugging a heavy load of emotional baggage around and needs help to deal with it, the only thing you can do is let her slip to that all-time-low point where she's forced to get help.

I guess you could mention to her that her approach intimidates you.

[/rant]

[DGMacphee]

by this time she's convinced that we're soulmates and that we're destined to be together.  Okay, I'm not that sure at this point.  After discussing this with a close friend of mine who's been through this kind of situation before, he says to end it immediately before it gets too far.

I can see why you're not sure about things at that point. I mean, it doesn't sound like you both know each other well (only a couple of weeks, right?) and already she's decided you're her soulmate. It doesn't make sense. It'd be like you going up to someone you've only known for a few weeks and saying, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." You can't know that much about a person in only a couple of weeks to make that kind of judgement (though some people do and it works out beautifully, but on the whole it doesn't). You can be attracted to them, sure, but I think it's a total misjudgement to liken such an attraction to "This person is my soulmate."

It's obvious why she's with her current abusive boyfriend. She sounds like the sort of person who'll jump into things without REALLY getting to know someone on any level. Not a lot of good foundation in her current relationship and not a lot in what the two of you currently have either. I tend to think of relationships as something you build emotionally over time and it sounds like she's the sort of person who'll skip all that and go straight to the end part where it's all lovey-dovey. But doing so is nonsense.

I think you are right to not want anything other than maybe a platonic relationship with this girl.

However, I do think honesty is key here. And LGM pretty much nailed it. You have to be direct and honest with her about this. And it sounds like you want to be honest cause you said, "I don't want either one of us to get the wrong idea again."

I can understand why you didn't want to answer the doorbell when she showed up. But I think it's avoiding the issue. You really do need to be direct in how you feel and your next meeting with her is a good opportunity to do so. Obviously, you don't want to be harsh because she's had a pretty heavy background and you don't want to compound that, but what you do want to do is help her relate to how you're feeling about the whole thing, which sounds to me that you're uncomfortable about it.

Tell her exactly that. Tell her that you're feeling uncomfortable about the whole soulmate thing. Tell her you both can be friends and you'll be supportive when she needs a friend (keyword: friend), but you don't see things developing any further than that. And pursuing it makes you feel uncomfortable too.