The Crap Joke Thread

[DGMacphee]

Hah, Babar. You stole that joke from City Slickers. For shame! :-p

There wasn't any scene in City Slickers where Billy Crystal wanks off a bull and drinks its jizz.

Which makes me wonder, what the fuck did you watch??

EDIT: Was it City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Electric Boogaloo?

[MrColossal]

It's City Slickers 2... Jon Lovitz does it. I'm sure it's older than City Slickers though.

[Khris]

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender: "Why the long face?"

[Babar]

I didn't watch it anywhere. A friend told it to me, and I passed it on. Heheh..I had no idea it was from a movie. Perhaps that's where she got it from?

[Jon]

Two cannibals are eating a mermaid. One says to the other, 'Is it me or does this taste fishy to you?'

[Alynn]

If Dr. Who's Tardis is destroyed, then rebuilt, is it then called a Retardis?

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?  "Hey! They're right, we do taste like chicken."

[nulluser]

-

[Tuomas]

Lost 1-3

[FSi++]

Russian nationalistic joke. :o

A cowboy is riding across a prairie. His inner voice tells him, "Get off the horse and dig a hole!" The cowboy does this and finds a box of silver. "Dig deeper!" The cowboy digs and finds a box of gold. "Dig deeper," says the voice again. The cowboy keeps digging and finds a box of diamonds. "Now, I wonder how you'll get yourself out," says the inner voice.

[Czar]

John Wayne enters the bar.
There's three ladies at the table. He shoots one. He shoots the other one, then comes up to the third and says:
Are you all by yourself baby?


Peace.

[Steel Drummer]

This isn't really a crappy joke, but I thought I'd share it here, as I find it really funny:

There were 3 people playing golf in heaven: 

Jesus, Moses, and a really old man. Jesus takes a swing, misses, and gets the ball in the hole on his second shot. Moses makes the hole in three shots. Then, the really old guy takes a shot. As he swings, there's an earthquake, and a thunderstorm, and the ball goes flying through the air. The ball lands on the green and rolls into the hole.

Moses says to Jesus: "I hate it when we play with Your dad!" 

[voh]

It's a fairly crappy joke though 

[vict0r]

Very much so..

[Sam.]

that's not even a joke...is it? It's more like a story. A bad story.


I like Czars joke though.

[cobra79]

A turtle is robbed by 3 bunnies. When the police arrives to inquire what happened the turtle could only mutter "It all happened sooo fast."

A dog goes into a post office to send a telegram. "Wof wof! wof? wof wof wof!"
Post office clerk: "Sir you can add 2 more wofs."
dog: "What!? That makes no sense at all!"

[Ciro Durán]

Q: What's yellow and flies?

A: Banana-man

(ducks)

[vict0r]

What did the farmer say to the other farmer??

"We're farmers."

[Czar]

What does Batman say to Robin before they get in the batmobile?
Robin! Get in the batmobile!

[Radiant]

Har dee har har.

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler

A stick.

[close]

What is green and turns red when you push the button?

Spoiler

A frog in a cuisinart.

[close]

What is yellow and will kill you if you get it in your eye?

Spoiler

A train.

[close]

And I can think of all sorts of bad puns that don't translate well. Any Dutch people around? Oh yeah, there's this Muppet Show scene where Kermit is interviewing Animal about percussion, and Animal just says he hits things. Kermit: "How cymbalic". BAAD JOKE!!!! BAAAAD JOKE!!

[Ghost]

This one is my favourite. It has a slight innuendo in the punchline, so do not read any further if you're 16 or below.
Or do read further, you see much worse on TV.


Jonny walks into a bar to get a couple of drinks and then sees a huge, dusty glass filled with dollar bills. He asks the barkeeper about that and is told that there is an ancient bet in the bar, and whoever wished to take part in it must pay a tenner.
"What's that bet", Jonny asks.
The barkeeper grins and puts a king size bottle of absinth in front of young Jonny.
"First you must drink the whole bottle, all in one go, without blinking, without throwing up", he says. Then he leads Jonny to the back of the bar, to a small shack.
"In there is my pitbull dog, and he's got a couple of bad theeth. You must end his pain by pulling them out, without tools." Then he leads Jonny back into the bar, to the first floor, and points to the attic door.
"Up there's my old granny. 98 years now. Hasn't seen a man for about, oh, twenty years. You must make her evening a firework display of delight."
Jonny swallows hard, but as he returns to his beer and silently counts the money in the glass, he starts to like the idea of some good money.
"Barman, how much's in that glass?"
"Oh, maybe five hundred. No-one ever made it past the dog."
"Damn, here's my ten dollars. Count me in."
Jonny slams the money on the counter, grabs the absinth and finishes the bottle in one deep gulp, tears streaming from his eyes as he furiously tries not to blink, scream, throw up and turn blind. He slams the bottle down, nods and strives out into the backyard.
There is the slamming of a door.
There is a wobbly "Gooooooooooood doggieeee....."
There is a blud-curdling growl. Then a slap. Then an angry hiss. A few more slapping noises, suddenly a yelp, and a second later Jonny returns into the bar, shirt torn but grinning:

(Punchline, you can still stop here, kid!)

"'Ere, thasss wusn soo bad! Now which theeth do I have to pull from ole granny's jaw?"



Oh, and Radiant:

What's small, green and square?

Spoiler

A small green square.

[close]