Game Pitch Competition - Round 5 (RESULTS!)

[Snarky]

OK, time for voting! Use the poll at the top of the thread.

Since they're listed pretty densely in the thread I won't repeat all the entries here, but I've added the list to the first post if you need to reference the titles.

[Mandle]

I voted for

Spoiler

#2 because the concept blew my mind. Playing as someone's actual imaginary friend... Wow! I've never heard of that done before in any kind of fiction.

However, if this turned into a twist and it turned out that I was actually, for example, the Devil and not just her imaginary friend I would immediately hate the game.

[close]

[Cassiebsg]

Voted
I'll wait for the voting to be done, before giving feedback.

[CaptainD]

A lot of these could make excellent games!

I was torn between What Could Have Been and Dragonville.  I'm not going to tell you yet which one I voted for.   Meet Me In The Rings almost got my vote for having a conscientious gelatin.

[Babar]

I voted for

Happy!

[Snarky]

Hey, just a quick reminder that voting in this round closes soon, so if you haven't put in your vote yet, do so before it's too late!

[Snarky]

OK, voting is now closed. Thanks to all the contestants, and congratulations to the winning entry, Young Crone!

I will post the list of participants so people can start guessing who's behind each entry, but (unless you all strongly object to the idea) I think I'll hold off for a day or two so we can discuss the entries a bit more first. I should also mention that by hiding the "Forum Name" column in the entry spreadsheet, I remain unaware of who the authors are.

For me the choice was obvious this round: I had a clear favorite and was never in doubt about what I was going to vote for.

My subjective feedback:

Spoiler

1: The Grapes Are Always Sweeter
I called it Jean de Florette-like, and the similarities are so great that I have to wonder if it was the inspiration for this entry. Length aside, I like the idea of a family saga as an adventure game, but would have liked to understand the gameplay (I'm guessing something like The Walking Dead with a focus on choice?) and particularly the viewpoint. Do you play as a single character throughout or as multiple? From one or both sides of the feud? I also wonder if it would have to be told chronologically or if you could jump back and forth between the different periods, Godfather II-style.

2: Amandarin
Breaking out of a mental institution is a classic adventure game premise, and this sounds like a fun take. Acting as an unreliable imaginary friend could make for some good puzzles, so it would be interesting to hear if any have been designed yet. (Speculation: Is this the pitch that tzachs was thinking of having Britney Spears star in?)

3: Young Crone
Congrats! Not the one I voted for, but one I like. It sounds like a somewhat more naturalistic take on what being a witch was all about, and for me it also brings to mind Terry Pratchett's books. The bit about "learning secret gossip" is a bit jarring (I know: word count), and something I'd like to see explored more.

4: What Could Have Been
I love the idea of reminiscing as a game mechanic, and think it's really cool to have an entry that seems more on the "walking simulator" (i.e. without traditional gameplay goals) side of the spectrum. Still, my instincts are nevertheless to add a bit more tension/mystery to the mix, and ask the question of why these oldsters feel the need to fantasize their past: is there something there they'd rather not remember the way it happened? Perhaps discovering the truth of that might provide an overall goal. I also feel that a pinch of darkness could help cut the sweetness of "these wonderful lives" that might otherwise be a bit too cloying. (Think Pixar's Up!)

5: Dragonville
I'm surprised this didn't get any votes. Dragons are cool, and this pitch sounds like one of those medium-short AGS gems that combine classic gameplay with a fresh and appealing little story. I'd play it!

6: Background Battle
The most intriguing thing to me in this pitch is the bit where you are trying to put a peaceful end to the conflict. Too many "warring AI" stories use the simplistic "one is good, the other is evil" template (though the original Neuromancer notably did not). But then the pitch seemed to veer away from that again.

7: Inside These White Walls
Cool. Presumably it's a horror? The premise is very clear and absolutely compelling, though not terribly original. When the setup is basically "Sci-Fi Plot #5: Explore deserted space ship after unexplained catastrophe", I think it would have been good in the pitch to reveal a bit more (gameplay or further story developments) to avoid seeming too generic.

8: Naive
This pitch, on the other hand, is very unique. It seems like it's going for a kind of literary effect in the pitch itself, conveying the character's mental state through the presentation? I would guess it failed to attract any votes because it's kind of hard to grasp, and somewhat off-putting ("You play an idiot who most likely will die"?). A more straightforward explanation might have stood a better chance.

9: The Antidote
I really like the two-pronged gameplay here, trying to solve the mystery of who poisoned the PM while also trying to find an antidote. I sort of imagine it like The Riddle of Master Lu, where you travel the world as part of some Indiana Jones-y plot, while also picking up artifacts and curios to keep your struggling museum afloat along the way (Beyond Good & Evil has a little bit of the same with the wildlife photos). That secondary gameplay element is something I've always wanted to include in an adventure. A comment about how the pitch is written: a lot of words are spent describing the society and the PM, but it doesn't add that much to the pitch: it's not clear why it matters that it's the leader of a united western hemisphere, for example, or that he's a good man "by all accounts". I think you could have cut most of this, giving you more space to expand on other interesting aspects.

10: Meet Me in the Rings
Who doesn't love a zany space adventure? I don't think the details of the plot matter that much in games like this, but since this sounds like a comedy game, I think a joke or two in the pitch would have helped create interest (granted, "conscientious gelatin" is fairly amusing).

11: Verb Coins
The mechanic is well described. It might just be my bias, but I feel like this type of meta-game where you gradually gain access to the standard gameplay elements is an idea that comes up a lot in indie circles. That's fine, but it does mean that I would want the pitch to be something more than that â€" to say a few words about the story, for example.

[close]

[Durinde]

Congrads to the winner! Here's my take on the entrants

Spoiler

The Grapes are always sweeter:

I like the story spanning over multiple generations, but I think the fact you were over the word limit didn't help. While I got a great sense of the story, I didn't get a good feel of what the "adventure" would be.

Amandarin:

Things dealing with mental health area always a little tricky. Playing the imaginary friend and not the person locked up seems like an interesting twist, but I had a hard time visualizing how I as the player would interact with the world. Also, the premise of why she wants to leave is a little shaky. Unless she is some sort of extreme visitor restrictions, why doesn't her boyfriend just visit her before he leaves? I think if the focus was switched to her just wanting to be well enough to leave the facility would be enough motivation.

Young Crone:

Nice premise and I can see why it won. Very easy to visualize game-play and potential puzzles. I also like the idea of a witch being a public servant. Didn't get my vote only because I found another premise slightly more appealing.

What could have been:

The premise seems very similar as "To the moon". I don't mind heavily narrative games, but I can't put my finger on why this one didn't catch me.

Dragonville:

Interesting idea and I like the idea of humans being potential adversaries. Lots of potential for interesting world-building and there could be some great character moments with the dragons attempting to work together. Dragons are large creatures, so I'd be interested to see the scale of the game. Again, didn't get my vote only because I found another idea more appealing.

Background Battle:

Great potential for world-building with this one. You could really do some neat things with people living in a Utopia and trying to deal with the issues that arise once the two AIs are in conflict. Maybe if I could have gotten a better sense of the drive of the two AIs in the pitch it would have gotten my vote.

Inside these white walls:

A lot of this pitch hinges on what the mystery is in the abandoned part of the ship. Potential to be extremely generic.

Naive:

I think the last sentence of the pitch killed a lot of interest. The start of the pitch seems like "Social Anxiety: The game" which could run in some interesting directions, but I don't think a lot of people want to play a character that is pitched as an idiot. 

The Antidote:

This is the pitch that got my vote due to the sheer awesome potential for world-building. I want to see what this futuristic society that is ruled under a single political figurehead would look like. What kind of futuristic gadgets and technologies would be available to a futuristic secret service? My only complaint is that the title seems a little too generic.

Meet Me in the Rings:

Feels like a very 90's (not a bad thing) style adventure. Comedic sci-fi allows you to take the game is some many directions just because there are no limitations. Seems like you have chunks of the plot thought out which is great. A good pitch and again only didn't get my vote because I found another idea slightly more appealing.

Verb Coin:

Neat idea that I'd truthfully like to see in action. The meta-ness of it might limit the appeal to hardcore adventure gamers... but I think that could be overcome with a solid story behind the whole thing.

[close]

[CaptainD]

Are we letting on which was our own entry yet?

[Snarky]

Well, maybe people want to guess for a bit first?

Here's the list of people who entered (sorted alphabetically):

Bulbapuck
CaptainD
Creamy
dactylopus
Dream
Durinde
horusr
Mandle
Snarky
Stupot
tzachs

[CaptainD]

My feedback on the entries (including objective comment on my own entry):

Spoiler

The Grapes Are Always Sweeter
Good story set-up but unsure of how well this would translate to an adventure game. 
Amandarin
Interesting idea, I think it has potential.
Young Crone
Well developed concept and should be an interesting game.
What could have been.
This got my vote, despite the open-ended style not really being my favourite type of game.  It feels like you could tell many stories in one here.
Dragonville
This one very nearly got my vote.  It feels like there is so much potential here to make an interesting game.
Background Battle
Promising concept, though would need to be quite clever to not end up feeling too familiar and cliché.
Inside these white walls
Lots of potential here as well.  Obviously I'm a sucker for sci-fi settings. :-)
Naïve
I struggled a little to see how this could be turned into a good game.  Felt rather like a game jam idea kind of thing.
The Antidote
This feels like a potential summer blockbuster movie plot, so it would be interesting to see how it developed as an actual game.  (Reminded me a little of A New Beginning for some reason.)
Meet Me in the Rings
Somes like Mosters vs Aliens meets Space Quest.  Which surely can only be a good thing!
Verb Coins
While I like the actual idea (I mean Zak used it and then I used it myself in Troll Song), we know absolutely nothing about the story.

[close]

For some reason I thought The Antidote might be tzachs.
Dragonville by Bulbapuck?
The Grapes Are Always Sweeter by Creamy?
Dragonville by Stupot?

[Snarky]

What could have been.
This got my vote

Mine too!

[tzachs]

My feedback:

Spoiler

1: The Grapes Are Always Sweeter

Also got the "Jean de Florette" vibes, which I vaguely remember, but I think I enjoyed. Nice premise, lost points on the word limit breaking.

2: Amandarin

This was my 2nd favorite. Playing the imaginary friend sounds really interesting.

(Speculation: Is this the pitch that tzachs was thinking of having Britney Spears star in?)

lol, nope (and OUCH).

3: Young Crone

Got my vote (and congrats). The world + story just instantly grabbed me.

4: What Could Have Been

I found the mechanics interesting but the premise was too depressing for me.

5: Dragonville

Somebody's trying to avoid drawing walk-cycles... Could be fun, I guess, but felt too "Disney" for me.

6: Background Battle

This was my 3rd favorite. I like it a lot, my main concern here is execution. I'm saying this because I've also dabbled with a similar idea of an AI-controlled future,
but the way I see it, the AI in the future will be so much smarter than any of us now (I mean, if the difference between the dumbest person and the smartest person on earth is X, then the difference
between the smartest person on earth and the AI will be 10000000000X) , so how can you portray something like this in a game? And how can a person actually have an influence
on something which is that much smarter than you? The natural instinct will be to go with some flaw in the AI, but then it kinda ruins it for me. It can be interesting if the technician thinks she/he's changing stuff but really makes zero impact (or maybe used by the AI)- but again, this can easily fall on execution.

7: Inside These White Walls

I really like the premise, but reading this I felt like I've seen this before, several times. It can still be a very good game, though.

8: Naive

It's intriguing but didn't give enough feel about what's this game really is about.

9: The Antidote

"The 3 musketeers" meets "Shardlight": interesting but also felt like I've seen this before (though, again, can make for a good game).

10: Meet Me in the Rings

Sounds like fun but I had ethical problems with it: Saving space whales- I approve; saving burger joints- morally oppose, they should all be destroyed (unless it's veggie burgers, then I might be on board with this game).

11: Verb Coins

The mechanics are interesting, but it doesn't work as the main hook of the game for me. It can be the "something extra" you tell people AFTER you told them what the game is about: "oh, and btw, it also has this interesting mechanic where you earn more verbs as you progress through the game".

[close]

And now a few probably wrong guesses:

Mandle- Young Crone
Snarky- Amandarin
horusr- Naive
Bulbapack- Meet Me in the Rings
Creamy- Dragonville
Stupot- Inside these white walls
CaptainD- What could have been
Durinde- The Grapes Are Always Sweeter

[Snarky]

11: Verb Coins

The mechanics are interesting, but it doesn't work as the main hook of the game for me. It can be the "something extra" you tell people AFTER you told them what the game is about: "oh, and btw, it also has this interesting mechanic where you earn more verbs as you progress through the game".

In that GDC talk I posted (or rather, reposted from Discord) last round, this is described as the difference between the hook and the kicker.

I also think it's quite interesting how consistent the feedback on the different entries is so far, with only a few exceptions.

Snarky- Amandarin

Nope.

[Dream]

My thoughts:

Spoiler

1: The Grapes Are Always Sweeter
I didn't read the spoiler tag for voting, but I did for commenting, and I think what's in the spoiler tag is more important than some stuff outside the spoiler tag. I think the teenage couple is less important than the disfigured child who grows up to want revenge. I'm curious how it would play out as a game, and what sort of revenge this character wants.

2. Amandarin
The last line is really great here, it instantly made me think that this type of game would be fun played twice - once to do it "right" and once to do everything else. I also like the idea that the player is imaginary.

3. Young Crone
This is the one I voted for, I knew it as soon as I read it. I love the idea of becoming the village witch and I can see it translating really well into an adventure game. The secret gossip and enemies makes me think that there could be a darker side to this village. I do wish the "Inquisition" was expanded on.

4. What could have been.
It sounds like a deep and personal story. It's too intense for me and it makes me well up, so good writing and beautiful idea but I don't think I could play it unless I had some ice cream after.

5. Dragonville
This was my second choice to vote for and I'm surprised it didn't get votes. I love the concept. So about the city - is it being built, or already built? And what is the end goal of the dragons? Obviously to survive, but how is Dragonville going to do that without becoming a concentrated target for humans to attack? I wish this was a finished game because I want to play it to find out.

6. Background Battle
The last sentence especially makes me think that there's a good reason for this conflict and I'm wondering what it is. I'm not sure what it means that the AI "senses" something wrong, and what sorts of things it changes. Also curious why there are two main AI hierarchies and what they do. It reminds me a bit of Tron.

7. Inside these white walls
This seems like it could be a mystery or horror story, or maybe both. If it was a catastrophic failure, I imagine the area would still be unsafe unless there are repairs made. Although, the sealed records implies there's some secret reason for the failures that maybe isn't mechanical. I think a lot of this story depends on what's inside the quarantined area.

8. Naive
This one took a sharp turn at the last word of the pitch. I guess in the beginning I assumed the danger and fear was from being emotionally vulnerable, but I didn't realize until the end that it was physical danger this character is in. Who is this person and why are they watching over their shoulder all the time? Interesting idea and I think a little more information about the character's background would help.

9. The Antidote
Great whodunit concept that you're not only looking for the culprit but also attempting to reverse the damage from the crime. I already started to become suspicious of the potential characters in the secret service and the government scientists. I'm also interested in this futuristic society in general.

10. Meet Me in the Rings
A fun space adventure that I can definitely see as an adventure game. The quirky characters and overall tone make it seem like it would be a lighthearted and silly sort of story.

11. Verb Coins
I like the idea that the game mechanics are so important to the game's design. I think the second paragraph could have expanded on what the story would be and how the story would be affected by the earned verb coins.

[close]

I don't really have guesses for authors, but I do know one for sure. I was talking to him and I let a detail of my entry slip without realizing it would give it away, so we decided to share them with each other as long as we didn't vote for each other's. If I enter again, I'll try harder to keep it a secret.

[Creamy]

The Grapes Are Always Sweeter by Creamy?

No

Creamy- Dragonville

Re-nope

My thoughts:

Spoiler

1: The Grapes Are Always Sweeter
It got me thinking of "Water of the hills" too (Jean de Florette + Manon des Sources). The pitch is different but there are some commonalities :
-   two families fighting for the control of a source.
-   someone looking for revenge (Manon in the book).
It could be totally different but it's hard to tell with the pitch only.

2: Amandarin
Good idea on paper but I don't really see how it would translate game-wise. Can you only talk to Amandarin? Why not just telling her the truth ?

3: Young Crone
I love it. It could be fun to play. The Inquisition brings a serious note.

4: What Could Have Been
Apart from depressing the player, I don't really see the point of the setting. I'd rather be able to make choices that have an actual impact on the story.

5: Dragonville
It's an appealing pitch. Somehow, I picture this as a strategy game rather than an adventure game. 

6. Background Battle
It's hard to get a picture without more indication on the role of the player.

7: Inside These White Walls
The setting is conventional. Lots of sci-fi works feature rescue missions on lost colony ships (Infini, Alien...). It does not greatly differ from the over-used hero waking from cryo sleep either. Since we don't know what happens next, it's hard to know what makes the story stand apart.

8. Naive
The beginning was refreshingly light-hearted but I didn't like the change of tone in the last paragraph.

9. The Antidote
It sounds like a good starting point for a spy game.

10. Meet Me in the Rings
Save a cosmic burger joint? It's the exact opposite of Orion Burger
A funny pitch that grasps a lot of things.

11. Verb Coins
It's vague. The pitch could describe many existing games - it's not uncommon to unlock abilites (verbs), hotspots, paths and interactions.

[close]

[tzachs]

For some reason I thought The Antidote might be tzachs.

Realized I forgot to reply to this: nope.

[Creamy]

Some more wild guesses:

1: The Grapes Are Always Sweeter - Creamy
2: Amandarin - Dream
3: Young Crone - Snarky
4: What Could Have Been - Bulbapuck
5: Dragonville - Mandle
6: Background Battle - Durinde
7: Inside These White Walls - Tzachs
8: Naive - horusr
9: The Antidote - Stupot
10: Meet Me in the Rings - CaptainD
11: Verb Coins - Dactylopus

[Stupot]

So far all guess about my entry are wrong. Dragonville, Inside These White Walls and The Antidote are not mine.

[Bulbapuck]

4: What Could Have Been - Bulbapuck

*ding ding ding*, correct
My guesses:

The Grapes Are Always Sweeter - Creamy (did you confirm this, or is this a confusion tactic? :p )
Amandarin - horusr
Young Crone - Dream
Dragonville - Durinde
Background Battle - Snarky
Inside These White Walls - Dactylopus
Naive - CaptainD
The Antidote - Tzachs
Meet Me in the Rings - Stupot
Verb Coins - Mandle

Thank you for the votes and feedback, I sort of regret giving the players real names as it might have given the impression that these were real people that I knew. It's fiction inspired by real events, among which was how my grandmother passed away. I remember that I got to know a completely different side of her and hear her story in a new way. It was very bittersweet and affected me in a huge way. (This was many years ago btw so I look back at this time with a smile.)