A Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide

[Gregjazz]

I got the idea from something I read on the net a while ago. The following are tips for any character that finds him or herself in a horror film. And if you do happen to find yourself in a horror film someday, use these tips wisely.

1. When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.

3. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

4. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit unnormal behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

5. While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

6. If any animals, such as birds, pirahnas, spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.

7. In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.

8. Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.

9. If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it will be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.

10. If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).

11. When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Prefferably use all of the above.

12. ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.

13. Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand names.

14. Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".

15. If you notice that the camera is slowly zooming in from behind you, GET OUT OF THERE IMMEDIATELY.

[c.leksutin]

* Never say: "I'll be right back"







C.

[undergroundling]

16.  If you're black and not a well-known actor, you're probably going to die.

[Raggit]

16.  If you're black and not a well-known actor, you're probably going to die.

What's being black got to do with it?

17. Don't open any closed doors in dark hallways.

[Mr Jake]

18. dont craw into sewers

[undergroundling]

In horror movies, the black guy seems to always die.  I don't get it.  But seriously, it's so true.

- Bryan

[Paranoia]

In horror movies, the black guy seems to always die.  I don't get it.  But seriously, it's so true.

- Bryan

its a bit like in star trek NG the new guy always dies or trys to blow the ship up

[undergroundling]

Or how in the original series, the guy in the red shirt always dies on away missions.

[Archangel (aka SoupDragon)]

19. When running away from a large explosion/collapsing building/other dramatic event, and being filmed doing it, make sure you say "Let's get out of here!", or the common variation "Let's get the hell out of here!". That way, you can sell the film to Hollywood and make B1G BUX!!

[Gregjazz]

20. If you make it out of the horror film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.

21. If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.

22. If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.

[Ghostmaker]

23. always carry a chainsaw, a big chainsaw, one thats bigger then the other guys chainsaw, and then bring a large sword, in case you run out of petrol, and then always decapitate them. Did i mention to bring a chainsaw

[cornjob]

Anybody seen 28 Days Later? Those soldiers reminded me of one of M0DS's movies... Not that I've actually seen them, but I've seen pictures.

[Gemmalah]

Or how in the original series, the guy in the red shirt always dies on away missions.

isn't it the guy in the yellow shirt?

24. Never ever go into the basement.
25. never have sex, those are always the first to die or mutate then he/she kills you. UNless your into pain for pleasure.
26.   the thickest person always gets away, or the cute guy, so girls continue to watch the movie, cute girls always die afer thier clothes are ripped off.

[Femme Stab Mode >:D]

27. In creepy castles always keep on you holy water and various articles that can be easily twisted into a religious symbol.
28. If  it's St. George's day keep away from the gorgeous prinsess that looks like the witch in the picture on the wall of your family's creepy castle.
29. Corpses found in giant cooking pots and fireplaces are not really corpses.
30. Your half-dead crazy spouse is ALWAYS in the back of the car with something sharp.
31. Little innocent looking girls are not so innocent and will probably try to kill you.

[12431]

#( hell, I can't remember) the most important of them all, never lose your virginity! (it's true. the virgins always survive

EDIT: damn it. It's already said

[TerranRich]

isn't it the guy in the yellow shirt?

Nope, in the Original Series, the redshirts were Security (or engineering, like Scotty) and therefore always were the first to die. In TNG and all series thereafter, gold and red were reversed,  so that red is now command, and gold is security/engineering/operations.

I watch too much Star Trek.

26.   the thickest person always gets away, or the cute guy, so girls continue to watch the movie, cute girls always die afer thier clothes are ripped off.

Yes! Like in Thirteen Ghosts! Except Shannon Elizabeth wasn't killed. But still...BOOBIES!!!

[Gregjazz]

27. Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night.

28. If you hear the music begin to get creepy, GET OUT OF THERE!

[Bob The Hun]

29. If you have a dream about something or someone either going insane or turning into a terrible monster, wake up and kill them immediately.
30. If an eccentric old gentleman does various things that make your life almost perfect and asks for seemingly nothing in return (especially if he tries to reinforce a deal by saying, "what do you got to lose?") kill him immediately, as he is Satan and is trying to steal your soul. (EDIT: In some cases, it might be an attractive young women in tight leather clothing)
31. If a wax figure in your basement kills your spouse, immeditely turn off all air-condidtioning.

[Nacho]

Be sure to have a new and charged battery car... Cars in horror films can´t be switched on...

If the music rises and happen nothing... Alert... a death is close to come.

[Gemmalah]

I watch too much Star Trek.

i can tell, i watch too much star wars, I'M A JEDI! really i'ts true, i'm realated to the guy sitting next to the guy who gets strangled by darth vader! BEAT  THAT,

Horror movies, If you get attacked by an alien beast in outer space for the rest of mankinds sake DON'T come back to earth, the alien will follow you even if you saw it die