your best jokes!

[Eero]

Removed the joke because it was a bit too immature.

[DinghyDog]

A'aight, y'all, the mother of all jokes...he' it comes!!!!!









ARE YOU READY?





Bear walks into bar.
Bear says to Deer:
"Can I have....................................................................................a drink?"
Deer says to Bear:
"Why the big paws?"




BOO-YA, GRANDMA!!!! Ye-uh. Okay, I'm done being obnoxious.

-DD

[n3tgraph]

2 cows stand in the field,

1 remarkably says:  BOOOO

the other one says:  Tsk, I noticed you a long while a go and you are not frightening or whatsoever

[MillsJROSS]

Q Why was the cyclops school closed?
A It only had one pupil!

Q Why was the belt arrested
A It held up a pair of pants

Two peanuts were crossing the street...One got assualted. (Say it to yourself a couple times if you don't get it)

-MillsJROSS

[n3tgraph]

momma tomato, daddy tomato and kid tomato are walking down the street,

kiddy tomato runs far behind, daddy tomato squashes him and says:

Ketch - up (catch up?)

(don't know if it exactly went that way)

[DGMacphee]

Q: Which is easier to unload -- A truck full of dead babies or a truck full of bowling balls?
A: The dead babies -- You can use a pitchfork!

Q: What's worse than that?
A: There's a live one at the bottom.

Q: What's worse than that?
A: He's trying to eat his way out.

Q: What's worse than that?
A: He made it.

Q: What's worse than that?
A: He's going back for seconds.

[Vel]

A sign in an operating theatre: IT IS HUMAN TO MAKE MISTAKES.

A hunter shows his trophies to his friends. There is simply every animal - a boar, a bear, a giraffe etc. One of his friends exclaims: "John, what is this? It looks like a human head to me!" John replies: " Oh, that's my mother-in-law."
"But why is she smiling?"
"Well, till the last moment she thought I was going to take a photo..."

[veryweirdguy]

A blonde walks into Dixons & says to an assisstant and says "I'd like to buy this TV please."
He replies "We don't serve blondes"
She comes back the next day, & says to a different assisstant & asks again.
He replies "We don't serve blondes"
Sick of this, she dyes her hair red & comes back the next day.
Once again she asks an assisstant if she can buy a TV.
He replies "We don't serve blondes"
She says "How did you know I was a blonde?"
He replies "That's a microwave."

[Jimi]

A shopkeeper phoned the police. When they arrived at his shop, he said:" a blonde woman just came in here asking for a rope...I think she said she was going to hang herself!" The police went round to her house, opened the door, and there was the blonde..alive! The policeman said: "You told the shopkeeper you were going to hang yourself."
The blonde replied: "I was but I couldn't breathe."

Old one now:
A horse walked into a pub. The bartender said: "hey, why the long face?"

[Trapezoid]

What do Elvis Presley, Al Gore, Billy Barty, Hulk Hogan, Abbot, Costello, Genghis Kahn, Gandalf the Grey, Adolf Hitler, Timothy McVeigh, William Shakespear, and Marlon Brando have in common?

Spoiler

They were all involved in a massive orgy shortly before being murdered by OJ Simpson.

[close]

(I prefer anti-humor, as you can see)

[12431]

here's a really sucky blondjoke.

a blonde had a dog she called "sex", because she liked it so much. Point: sex disappears and the blonde goes outside looking for him. a cop drives by and asks her what she's looking for. she answers: "I'm looking for sex!"

I know. It sucks.

btw. one more!

an old couple were always arguing. the man always said: when I'm buried, I'll dig myself up and kill you, because then it wouldn't matter if i got arrested!"

the wife never cared about him or what threats he came with.

then one day, he died. she went happily to a local pub and got drunk and told everyone what her husband had said.

they all said:"aren't you a little scared?" "no." she replied. "I buried him upside down."

this one sucks to, but i might as well tell it.

why doesn't swedish people have ice in their drinks?

their swedish inventor died.

bad jokes are fun when you're tired.

[Nellie]

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.  The wedding ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.

A man walks into the psychiatrist's wearing clingfilm for shorts.  The psychiatrist says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went shopping for camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

[Jimi]

HA HA!!! Nice one...s.

I have a real crap one you will hate:

The big chimney said to the little chimney: You're to young to smoke!"

and:

A man ran up to the receptionist and shouting:"I need to see the doctor, I think I'm going blind".
The woman replied:"You certainly are, this is a library!"

[Trapezoid]

Some of these jokes are laughably bad.

*badum ching*

[Evil]

Two peanuts were crossing the street...One got assualted.

One WAS assualted... Jeez...

[DragonRose]

This was on the joke thread on the old board, but it remains funny and you will laugh or I shall eat you.

A man joined the army during WWII and was going to go to war.  He was sent out to the front, but somehow or other they forgot to give him a gun. So he ran up to his commanding officer, begging for a weapon.

The commander handed him a broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'BANGITY-BANG!'"

"Er... okay." said the soldier.  "But I don't have a bayonet!"

The commanding officer taped a straw to the end of the broom. "Whenever you see the enemy, point it at them and yell 'STABITY-STAB!'"

"Er... okay..." said the soldier, and he went off into battle.

Well, what do you know, but he gets seperated from his platoon.  He was about to call for help, when he sees a German soldier coming towards him.  Not knowing what else to do, he points the broom at him and yells "BANGITY-BANG!"

The german soldier falls down dead.

So the recruit is very pleased with this development. More Nazis come towards him. "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Down they go!

Soon he has a whole regiment after him!  "BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!" Finally there is only one German soldier left standing. The recruit points his broom.

"Bang." he says, confidently.

Nothing happens. The German soldier starts walking towards him, muttering.

"Bangity-bang?"

Nothing.  The German continues to advance.

"BANGITY-BANG! STABITY-STAB! BANGITY BANG!"

The German soldier runs him flat into the ground, squishing him to death.

All the while muttering, in German "Tankity-tankity-tankity-tankity..."

[remixor]

Ok, are you ready for some awesome jokes?  Well, you're not, because these are two awesome to be ready for.  Here goes.

-------------

Two travelling salesmen and Henry Kissinger are walking down a road.  It's getting dark, so they stop at a farmhouse.  They go up to the door and ask the farmer if they can stay the night.  He says yes, but they have to sleep in the barn, and they aren't allowed to touch his three daughters or undermine socialist governments in South America.

So they go to sleep, and during the night, the farmer's three daughters sneak into the barn.  The travelers can't resist, not even Kissinger, though in the middle of things he also sneaks into the house and makes a long-distance call to a Chilean general.  

The farmer bursts in with a shotgun and catches the three men with the girls, and immediately marches them out to his field.
When they get out there, the farmer orders them to go out and pick ten of their favorite fruit.  The two salesmen come back carrying grapes and plums.  The farmer tells them, "Now shove them up your ass."  The guys try, but they keep looking out at the fields and cracking up, causing the fruit to fall out.  They get as many as nine, but are overcome with laughter.

The farmer looks at them and says, "Look, you're free to go once you get all ten up there.  You were so close.  What is so god-damned funny?"

The first salesmen says, "Kissinger's picking watermelons!!!"

And the second one says, "And ordering the assassination of Salvador Allende!!!!!"

---------

Oh man, that was awesome.  Here we go again:

----------

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia.

The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia who?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia.

The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia who?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad Henry Kissinger never had to face charges for the illegal secret bombing of Cambodia!?!?!

--------

Hahaha, oh man.  I crack me up.  One more!

--------

A salesmen knocked on the door of Little Johnny Kissinger's house in December of 1975.  Little Johnny answered the door.

"Johnny, is your father, Henry Kissinger, there?" he asked.

"He ain't home.  He be out with President Suharto, approving Indonesia's invasion of East Timor, even though the military action be illegal and Indonesia be using U.S.-supplied military equipment," Johnny replied.

"'He be out'?  'Indonesia be using'?  Johnny, where's your grammar?"

"She ain't home either."

-------

BWAHAAHAHHAHAHAHHA.  You're welcome.

[Quickstrike]

This is an American Baseball joke:

A man walks into a bar with a dog.

Bartender: Hey!  You can't bring a dog in here!

Man:  But he's a very smart dog!  He can answer questions!  If he does, can he stay?

Bartender:  ...Okay...

Man:  What goes on a house?

Dog: ROOF!

Man:  Name a woman's name.

Dog: ROOF!  (Pronounced Ruth)

Man:  Who's the best baseball player of all time?

Dog:  ROOF!

Bartender:  Okay!  You've had your laugh!  Out wit' ya!

On the curb, the dog and the man sit next to each other.

Dog:...Mabey I should have said Jackie Robbinson?

[Nacho]

This is vary short one, and quite scatologic.

A man goes to the forest, and says to his friend:
"I am going to the forest, to poo!"
His friend asks:
"Do you have the paper?"
And the pooing man responses:
"No, I remember the steps..."

[Eero]

Removed the joke because it was a bit too immature.