your best jokes!

[12431]

here's a topic for people whose dying to tell their latest and best joke. I'll start.

two blondes where planning to rob a bank. they wrote their plans on a little piece of paper.

then the day had come. they were going to rob a bank.
the dumbest of the blondes went in. when she came out, she had the safe on her back tied up, and the bankingmanager running after her with his pants down.

"no, no!" the smartest of the blondes said. "you got it all mixed up! blow safe! tie up the bankingmanager!"

[Raggit]

Did you hear about the blonde who went sky diving?


She missed the earth!!

---

Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?


To see what was on the other side.

Hehe, sorry to all the blondes here! No offense!!

Finally here is a nice joke:

A man heard his doorbell ring and he went to see who it was.  When he opened the door there was nobody there! He looked down and there was a snail.

The man bent down, picked the snail up and threw him into the yard.  Three years later the man heard the doorbell ring again. He went to the door and the was there! The snail then said "What was that all about?!?!"

[plasticman]

a man walks into a café.

splash.





(french joke)

[Fuzzpilz]

Let epsilon be < 0.

[Jimi]

What have Jenifer Lopez and Doorknobs got in common?

Everybody gets a turn!

A man got lost in the woods. After 3 days of aimless walking, he reached a cottage. He knocked on the door. A chinese man opened it. The lost guy told the chinese man that he was lost, and needed food, and shelter for one night. The chinese man agreed to help, but said:
"If you touch my daughter, I will issue you with the 3 ancient chenese punishments."
The lost guy thought nothing of this. Until dinner. The chinese mans sexy daughter was flirting with him ALL through it. In the middle of the night, the man could take it no more. He went into the chinese mans daughters room, and..well I think you can use your imagination! Then he quietly left her room, and went to sleep.
In the morning, the man went to get up, but felt..heavy. There was a large rock on his stomach with a note on: "1st part of ancient chinese torture. Put large rock on stomach." The man laughed, and threw the rockout of an open window. Then he noticed another note: "second part of ancient chinese torture. Tie right testicle to Rock." Seeing no other choice, the man jumped out of the window. Just as he was jumping, he saw a note written on his arm:" 3rd part of ancient chinese torture. Tie left testicle to bedpost".

a man walked into a bar: ouch.

[Harvester]

Wow, that's a great one, Jimmy! :-)))

How about this one:
There's this guy sitting in his living room. The doorbell rings, he opens the door, looks to the left - there's no one there, looks to the right - no one.
He goes back inside and the doorbell rings again. He opens the door, looks to the left - no one there, looks to the right - can't see anyone.
He goes back inside again and again the doorbell rings. He opens the door, looks to the left - no one there, looks to the right - no one there, looks ahead and sees the postman carrying a telegram.

[Evil]

Has anyone heard the orange and the monk joke?  

[Trapezoid]

Once upon a time, TV's Bob Barker was taking a walk down the street.
He passed by the mail man. "Morning, Bob!" said the mail man.
"Good morning. How are things?" said Bob Barker.
"Oh, just--" suddenly, the mail man was staring at Bob Barker's face.
"What is it?" said Bob Barker.
"I, um.... I have to go," said the mail man, quickly walking away.
Bob Barker shrugged and continued down the street. He passed near the 7-11, and decided to go in and buy some bread.
Inside, he grabbed a loaf of bread and walked up to the counter. The cashier was away from the counter, so Bob Barker rang the bell. A few seconds later, the cashier showed up at the counter and took Bob Barker's bread.
"How's the store doing, sir?" said Bob Barker.
"Very--" suddenly, the cashier stared at Bob Barker's face. "Um," he said, and quickly rang up the loaf of bread and took Bob Barker's payment. "Thank you," he said.
Bob Barker left, puzzled. He decided to head back to his home. When he got there, he took off his shoes and went up to his room.
"Hmm. I wonder why people keep staring at my face?" he wondered to himself, standing in front of the dresser. Just then, he noticed something in the mirror:

Spoiler

His face was completely missing, leaving his muscles, veins and bone exposed to the world.

[close]

[Matt Brown]

a frenchman, a preist, a rabbi and a blonde all walk into a bar. the bartender says, "hey! is this somekind of joke?"

[Renal Shutdown]

Hmm... k, the only "joke" I ever use...

Two lepers playing cards, one threw his hand in and the other laughed his head off.

[Trapezoid]

MAN 1: It's a good thing pencils can't talk.
MAN 2: Why is that, good sir?
MAN 1: Because I couldn't bear to hear them scream as I drag their little pencil genitalia across a peice of paper.
MAN 2: Gasp!

[DGMacphee]

Two paraplegics walk into a bar...

[Quickstrike]

This is a "You are so fat joke"...
You are so fat, that you keep getting calls from the US government asking you to apply for statehood.

[remixor]

You are so fat, that you keep getting calls from the US government asking you to apply for statehood.

Just change "you are" to "yo momma's", "you keep" to "she keeps", and "you" to "her" and it'll be perfect.

[evilspacefart]

Note: this is not directed at your moms.
I saw your mom walking along the street, kicking a box. I asked her, "What are you doing?"
She replied, "Moving."

---

Your mom is so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes on her forehead.

---
You're so big, you were baptised at Seaworld.

[BOYD1981]

a blond woman gets fed up with people thinking she's stupid because she's blond so she decides to dye her hair red.
a few days later she goes to a farm and gets talking to the farmer and she says "i'm clever because i have red hair" she then looks across at a field full of his cows and says "if i can guess how many cows you have in that field can i take one home with me?" the farmer agress and the woman looks at all the cows and after a short pause says "134", impressed the farmer says "okay, i guess you can go pick one to take take home" and the woman walks off the field and comes back with what she chose a few minutes later and the farmer says "if i can guess what colour your hair was before you dyed it can i have my dog back?"

[Vel]

A little bit of black humour:

Q: Litlle, black and knocks on the door - what is it?
A: Our Big Light Future!


A swimming competition for cripple men. In the first lane the swimmer is without a leg. In the second lane the man is without two legs and so on in the last, 8th lane the man is only a head. The refferee gives the starting signal, everyone swims,  but for the head. After the match, his coach asks him " Pete, you swim so well. Why didn't you swim now?" The head answers "Coach, usually I swim with ears, but now they put that hat on me, how could I swim?!?"

[BOYD1981]

talking of black humour, you reminded me of this cruel and in no way whatsoever funny joke...

sign outside of a school for disabled children:

ALL CHILDREN MUST BE ASSEMBLED BEFORE 9AM

[Barcik]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are discussing how they are going to kill their mothers-in-law.
Englishman: "I am going to buy her a mansion on the Canarian Islands. Then, I will go to the balcony and use a saw on posts which hold it almost to the end. When she steps out on the balcony, it will collapse and she would fall to death."
Frenchman: "I will buy her a brand new Ferrari. Then, I will cut off the brakes, and when she tries to do a U-turn on 100 km/h she will lost control and die."
Russian: "Well, listen to this. I will buy 100 pills against headaches. Then, I will put them all in a pot containing boiling water, until they dissolve. When they all dissolve, I will turn off the gas and wait until one big pill forms. Then, I put the pill on the table just in front of the entrance and hide in the bathroom. When she enters her home, she will come forward to the table, look at the pill, and say 'Wow, what a large pill'. At that moment, I run out of the bathroom and chop her head off with an axe."

I love that one!  

[cpage]

A preist and a rabbi walk into a bar ,  and god strikes them down cuz preists and rabbis shouldnt be in bars!