This is why Chris Columbus never got to write Indy IV

Meowster · Sat 31/01/2004 04:18:53

I was reading the dead script for Indy IV. It's written by Chris Columbus (Goonies, Harry Potter, Mrs Doubtfire). Now, ordinarily you might think, "Hey, it's probably alright!" but no. It's not. It's really not.

We were having a laugh about this on IRC it's so bad. I mean real bad.

You have to read it.

Really.

It's called "Indiana Jones and the Monkey King."

Not joking.

Indy goes in search of a Monkey King. He is followed by one of his students who is obsessed with him. She secretly follows him for three weeks, as she hides in a banana crate, eating only bananas to stay alive. Then she leaps out when he reachs shore, and proceeds to kiss a fish, mistaking it for Indy.

And I don't want to spoil the end, but I'm going to anyway: Indy kisses a gorilla and the Monkey God tells him he watches his exploits from heaven and thinks he's awesome.

Here are some CHOICE EXCERPTS:

The Gorillas, still dressed as NAZIS, continue to DRIVE THE TANK

INDIANA
What's that got to do with my
personal life?

CLARE
Evidence. I plan on testifying at
your child molestation trial.

SUN WU KUNG COMES TO LIFE! He is UNLIKE anyone or anything we have ever seen. HALF-HUMAN. HALF-HONKEY. His face is covered with WRINKLES. His wide eyes are COAL BLACK. PROBING. WARM. When he smiles, it is DEVILISH, but incredibly CHARMING. His movements are PERKY. QUICK. An extremely ADORABLE little fellow. Instantly LOVABLE. But there is a STRONG, POWERFUL presense about him. He is indeed, a HEAVENLY FIGURE.

Quote the Villain: No...jail...can...hold...me!!!

Indy is suddenly INTERRUPTED by a HARD SLAP to his face. He LOOKS UP.
A beautiful, blonde student, REBECCA, stands over his desk. She
SCREAMS. FURIOUS.

REBECCA
Two-timing bastard!

Indiana RUBS his jaw. STARTLED. Rebecca CONTINUES.

REBECCA
How could you?!?... My own
Mother?!?... In my own bed?!?...
(slaps him again)
I've had it with you! It's over!

GUTTERBUHG
Goodbye, Doctor Jones.

Gutterbuhg TURNS to the guards. Ready to give them the ORDER...to OPEN
THE CAGE and SET THE BUFFALO FREE! Indy suddenly SCREAMS.

INDIANA
Heil Hitler!

Upon hearing the words, Gutterbuhg STANDS. Like a ROBOT. He RAISES his
mechanical arm in a "Heil Hitler" POSE.

GUTTERBUHG
Heil Hitler!

The FINGERS of Gutterbuhg's mechanical arm get CAUGHT IN THE METAL
GRATING ABOVE HIS HEAD! Gutterbuhg TRIES TO REMOVE his fingers. NO
GOOD. STUCK. Gutterbuhg PULLS. HARD. His mechanical arm is RIPPED FROM
ITS SOCKET! It DANGLES from the grating.

Some stuff that AGSers had to say:

<OsUltimo> they could of least made him search for atlantis, or something good... but a fucking monkey?

<Yufster> His mechanical arm appears to react to the words, "Heil Hitler" and automatically does the pose
<OsUltimo> why the fuck would you have it so others can say it and it goes up?
<OsUltimo> thats fucking stupid!

<OsUltimo> why does HE HAVE so MANY words in UPPERCASE, IVE never SEEN so MANY UPPERCASE words in A SCRIPT before...
<DragonRose> Because he is EXCITED about the MARVELOUS DESCRIPTIONS that HE is WRITING
<Squinky> is this all one movie?
<DragonRose> Unfortunatly, yes!
<Yufster> Yes!
<Squinky> jesus christ

<OsUltimo> immortal peaches? wtf?!

Read the script here. Leave your comments here. We're having a laugh; you should be too.

evenatsisters · Sat 31/01/2004 04:26:35

<Yufster> His mechanical arm appears to react to the words, "Heil Hitler" and automatically does the pose

That might be the worst reference to Dr. Strangelove that I have ever heard of.

But anyways, it's probably better that some directors can't write.

DragonRose · Sat 31/01/2004 04:29:07

But the pirates! How could you forget the pirates! Especially the Pirate King

Kezure (who)HASN'T BATHED in years.

Meowster · Sat 31/01/2004 04:29:34

Oh it gets worse:

BETSY
(holds her head in pain,
to Clare)
Hey, lady...you're s'posed to be a
Doctor...you got any cures for a
hangover?...

CLARE
The best I've heard was used by a
New Zealand Tribe...
(pauses, thinking)
One part crushed owl skull...two
parts rhino saliva...one part zebra
dandruff.

Betsy's face becomes PALE. Indy INTERRUPTS.

INDIANA
No, No... Get a cup of donkey sweat
...two spoons of skunk hair...and
one pint of shredded lizard tongue.

Betsy turns a light shade of GREEN. Scraggy ARGUES.

SCRAGGY
I always use family cure! Two spoons
chopped leeches... Half cup horse
mucous...two quarts crocodile urine!

BETSY
(ready to throw up)
Ex...cuse...me...!

Betsy runs OFF SCREEN. The others exchange a SHRUG

You wouldn't see crap like that in Looney Tunes.

Duck · Sat 31/01/2004 04:31:08

You bastards, Dr. Strangelove is the best goddamn movie ever made!!

MEIN FUEHRER, I CAN WALK!!

Meowster · Sat 31/01/2004 04:37:44

Ha ha ha.

Beat this.

BETSY
Dr. Clarke says that you're not
really in love with me. You're just
trying to prove that you can still
attract younger women. You're
terrified of getting old.

INDIANA
That's crazy.

BETSY
That's what I told her. I told her
that you really did love me.

INDIANA
(fumbling)
Well...that's...ah...well...

BETSY
(worried)
You mean... She was right?...

INDIANA
No... I mean Yes... I mean...

Indy TURNS, seeing Clare GLARING at him. Indy SIGHS. PAUSES. He gives
Betsy a TENDER, HONEST look.

INDIANA
No, Betsy. I don't love you.

BETSY
(tears fill her eyes)
That's the first time you ever said
it!

Betsy begins CRYING. Into Clare's ARMS. Indiana SHAKES his head. Clare
COMFORTS Betsy.

CLARE
There. There. He's a very disturbed
man.

Indiana SIGHS. He TURNS. FACE to FACE with a GRINNING and NODDING
Gutterbuhg.

ALL THE WHILE IN THE INTIMIDATING AND RIDICULOUS PRESENCE OF THE TWO ANTAGONISTS, WHILE BEING HELD PRISONER BY THEM!!!

LordHart · Sat 31/01/2004 04:39:27

I'm amazed anyone could actually write crap like this script... I feel like just smacking you around Yuf for alerting us to it.

I can just imagine how he wrote it.

CHRIS COLUMBUS AND THE INDY IV SCRIPT

INT. CHRIS COLUMBUS' STUDY - NIGHT

AFTER smoking AN incredible amount OF pot, and INJECTING a LARGE amount of heroin into his bloodstream, CHRIS COLUMBUS gets WRITING UNDERWAY FOR indy 4...

CHRIS
(to his monkey)
Bonzo, could you help me...
(beat)
...I'm an idiot.

BONZO
Oohh, ahaha ooaao...

CHRIS
THATS A FUCKING BRILLIANT IDEA!!! :o

CHRIS begins TO write the script, and gets stuck again...

CHRIS
Could you help me again?

BONZO starts to grab AT his ass and pulls some crap OUT, and then smears it over the COMPUTER screen... it seems to form, LETTERS!

CHRIS
Oh my god... you finished it for me.
(beat)
Good work.

FADE OUT...

THE END.

Thank god that Frank Darabont is writing the new version.

Las Naranjas · Sat 31/01/2004 04:41:44

Don't knock Monkey!

That said, he's already been sodomised through DBZ, and Columbus couldn't have done worse than that.

* Las Naranjas flies off on a pink cloud

LordHart · Sat 31/01/2004 05:00:35

Thats the thing, it isn't about Monkey, and although I've only briefly gone through it, I haven't seen anything that resembles the Jounrey West tale...

* Os Ãšltimo QuÃ£o Queijo ^_^ follows Las on his yellow cloud with handle bars...

Meowster · Sat 31/01/2004 05:05:35

For anybody that doesn't feel like reading an entire movie script, I wrote a summary of the entire movie script which is, unfortunately, quite honest.

Las Naranjas · Sat 31/01/2004 05:58:01

For all that is good in the world I hope so.

* Las Naranjas makes double entendre about his stick getting bigger.

The thing is, if you read the scripts for any of the Indy films you'll probably notice that they're rather rubbishy as well. It's not a series that carries iteself on soaring dialogue creative plots. It relies mainly on what comes out on screen.

And then still, you get temple of Doom, which is utter crap.

Meowster · Sat 31/01/2004 06:08:31

I liked the scripts for Raiders and Last Crusade, and there were pieces of Temple of Doom I liked.

MillsJROSS · Sat 31/01/2004 07:14:46

I tend to agree with Las here, I'm looking at some of the crap dialog and thinking of the other scripts, and they were filled with crap too, but it works on screen. Anyway, it's the 4th in a well established series, there is no way people are ever going to like it anyway because we love the first 3 too much to open our minds to something new.

-MillsJROSS

remixor · Sat 31/01/2004 08:54:46

I have to admit, I consider Temple of Doom the best Indy movie.

TheYak · Sat 31/01/2004 09:38:46

I vote for ROTLA but TOD did have its merits. The minecart ride became almost cliche after that movie brought it into being. I think that TOD got some negative points in my book due to that blonde actress, whatever the hell her name was.

The script above could be quite cool if made into a movie. Imagine it done in claymation.

remixor · Sat 31/01/2004 09:40:02

Yeah, my only problem with TOD is Willie, but honestly Short Round more than makes up for it for me.

EDIT: ROTLA is a pretty close second for me.

Las Naranjas · Sat 31/01/2004 10:40:38

They should have given Short Round a conical hat and huge buck teeth and given him a black friend with huge lips and who always eats watermelon.

Oh the hilarity...

Eggie · Sat 31/01/2004 12:27:11

I like Temple of Doom too.

As for Chris Columbus. I think he could have done a better job on those Harry Potter movies. a MUCH better job.
Nope, I didn't like those movies.

Anyway. I'm off to look through that script.

Esseb · Sat 31/01/2004 20:49:22

I didn't mind the blonde in Temple as much as some people, she wasn't that much worse than whatshername from Raiders. I just always felt it was annoying he spent half the movie trekking through the jungle before the plot of the movie is revealed.

That said, it was a good movie but not really an adventure like the other two indy movies which is what disappointed me.

Edit: Disclaimer: I do feel the movie would be better without the blonde mind you.

LordHart · Sat 31/01/2004 21:03:04

Willie needed to die...

This is why Chris Columbus never got to write Indy IV

evenatsisters