Amuse us with a joke thread :D

[selmiak]

just found this on deviant art and found it amusing

[EchosofNezhyt]

Gross haha. Disturbing is more like it.

[monkey0506]

A dog limps into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw!"

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Buddhist are all on a plane that's going down over the ocean. There's no parachutes, but they think they'll try their luck in jumping into the water. The Christian jumps out, and prays to God all the way down to his watery grave. The Muslim jumps out, and calls out to Allah until the end. The Buddhist jumps out, pleading for the Buddha to save him. Suddenly, two giant golden hands appear, and catch him gently in midair. "Oh thank God!" he said. The hands disappeared and he fell to his death.

Two American rednecks are hunting moose in Canada and they each bag one. The pilot taking them back to the lodge explains that the two moose are too big for him to take in one load, and he'll have to make two trips. "Well that pilot last year took a couple o' moose twice this size, easy..and he done it in one trip!" The pilot, not wanting to be shown up and possibly lose business, told the men to load the moose into the plane. He manages to take off smoothly, but as the weight shifts around, he loses control and crashes about 1000 yards from where he took off at. One of the rednecks looked at the other, "Why he made it twice as far as the guy did last year!"

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse next to a sign that says, "$100 to anyone who can make this horse laugh". The man walks up, and whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately took to laughing, leaving him gasping for breath. Stumped, the barman paid as promised. A few weeks later the same man comes back to the bar and sees the sign now promises $100 to anyone who can make the horse cry. With the barman's position, he takes the horse into the men's restroom. A few seconds later the horse comes out, bawling like a newborn. Truly confused, the barman asks, "How did you do it? First you make him laugh, now he's crying like a baby!" The man explained, "Well, first I told him that my penis was bigger than his. This time I showed him."

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The monkey jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it whole. "Did you see what your monkey just did?" the players asked him. He apologized, and paid the barman for the cost to replace the cue ball. A few weeks later the man walks in with the same monkey. There are some grapes on the bar, so the monkey runs over, shoves one of the grapes up his bum, pulls it back out, and then eats it. "What is that monkey doing now?" the barman asked. "Well, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all out shopping together. The brunette says, "The other day I was going through my daughter's purse, and I found cigarettes! I can't believe my daughter smokes!" The redhead says, "No, I'll do you one better. I was going through my daughter's purse and I found marijuana. I had no idea she was doing drugs!" With a smile the blonde replied, "I've got you both beat! I was going through my daughter's purse, and I found a condom! I didn't even know my daughter had a penis!"

A blonde is stranded at an airport after some of her luggage is lost, which had most of her money in it. She is explaining the situation to an attendant, and she lets him know that if she can just call her mother, she can have some money wired to her. She doesn't have a phone though, and doesn't have money for the pay phone. Seeing an opportunity, the attendant tells her, "Well I can help you out with that, but you'll have to help me out with something first." She agrees, and follows him into a closed room. He then proceeds to unzip his pants and pulls out his penis. She looks at him confused. "Well, go on..." he says, and motions for her to "help him out". She gets on her knees, and takes his penis in her hand, putting it up to her mouth. "Hello, mom?"

[EchosofNezhyt]

Them were pretty funny except the last one.

Thanks!


Edit:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[Crimson Wizard]

In the light of this topic: http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/yabb/index.php?topic=46389.0

WARNING: offending content inside.

Spoiler

A man, who lived all his life in the secluded village, travels to Africa to join the hunting contest. Before the contest the judges explain the participants the rules; one of those is that under no circumstances they should kill black rhinoceros, since they are considered rare animals.
Then the contest starts and the hunters walk into the savanna. After three days they come back. The judges ask everyone what they killed, and the village man sais:
- I killed ten nosirs.
- What is nosir?
- Well, I kept walking in savanna and suddenly saw a strange black figure. I asked: are you rhinoceros? And he said: nosir.

[close]

[Snarky]

Did you hear about the Swede who died in a hunting accident?

He was out following some tracks, and everything was going fine until the train hit him.

[Stupot]

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

Spoiler

An elephant with diarrhoea.

[close]

What has four legs and one arm?

Spoiler

A Doberman in a playground.

[close]

I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, "Wait a minute..."

[Mouth for war]

Did you hear about the Swede who died in a hunting accident?

He was out following some tracks, and everything was going fine until the train hit him.

I could tell you're NORWEGIAN by reading that!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DECLARE WAAAAAAAAR

[Tabata]

... I DECLARE WAAAAAAAAR

What a shocking surprise 

... to hear something like this from you, Mr. "Mouth for war" 

[Intense Degree]

What would happen if girls had apostrophes instead of periods?

They would be possessive and prone to contractions.

Ba-doom-tish!

[Mouth for war]

What did the buffalo say when his oldest child left for college?
Answer: "Bison!"

[Mouth for war]

Last week, a fortune teller told me I'd come into some money. Last night, I had sex with a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?

[Mouth for war]

A guy ran into his ex-wife. "You know, while I had sex with my girlfriend last night I kept thinking of you." His ex- looked pleased. "Because you miss me?" "No. It makes me last longer!"

[Renodox]

A chicken farmer comes home with a new stud rooster.  When the rooster is released he goes to the old stud rooster and tells him, "Outta here pops!  I'm the cock of the walk now!"  "Are you sure you can handle all these hens?" asked the old rooster, "Just look at what they did to me!"  "I can handle it!" boasted the young rooster, "You're a fossil and I'm better then you ever were!"  "Is that so?" asked the old rooster, "Then I propose a challenge.  We race around the barn.  Whoever manages to win the race is the stud around here.  Deal?"  "Ha!" crowed the young rooster, "That won't be a problem!  In fact, I'll give you a head start!"  So the roosters go to the side of the barn and the old rooster starts running.  When he has nearly reached the corner of the barn the young rooster starts running.  The two run around the corner and the young rooster starts to catch up.  They turn the corner again and are now in view of the farmer.  The farmer grabs his shotgun and blasts the young rooster away!  "Darn!" shouts the farmer, "That's the third gay rooster I've purchased this week!"

[NickyNyce]

A man and his wife are in the bank, they're just about to walk up to the window when a man with a mask bursts in and demands money from the teller.

As the teller is handing over the money, the bank robbers mask falls off. He quickly grabs it and puts it back on and says to the teller... DID YOU SEE MY FACE?!!

She rolls her eyes and says... yes. The bank robber raises his gun and shoots her dead.

He now turns to the married couple behind him and asks the man, DID YOU SEE MY FACE?!!

The man says, NO!....but my wife did!