DG's Tech Support Service

[DGMacphee]

Hello, and welcome to my Tech Support thread.

I will answer any technical questions you may have no problems.

I give 100% top-notch feedback for your problems, whatever they may be.

Have a look at these satisfied customers:
http://www.agsforums.com/yabb/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=9261

The best part is it's free!

So ask me anything: Problems with the computer, trouble with the love life, want to know what that lint is always doing in your buttcrack -- No question is too difficult for DG!

So, start asking now!

NOW!!!

[SSH]

Dear Auntie DG,

I keep arguing with someone I am secretly in love with and picking pedantic holes in their English usage, what should I do?

Hugs and Kisses,

SSH

[Privateer Puddin']

I can't sleep and I think one of my files has a virus but I can't access it to delete it

heheh

[Ishmael]

I need a device which can be used to connect a USB device to serial or parellar port. Where can I find one?

[DGMacphee]

Dear Auntie DG,

I keep arguing with someone I am secretly in love with and picking pedantic holes in their English usage, what should I do?

Hugs and Kisses,

SSH

Look up the word 'Hari-kari', then commit it.

I can't sleep and I think one of my files has a virus but I can't access it to delete it

heheh

You are me -- Therefore, you are so awesome and don't need Tech Support!

So, go away!

I need a device which can be used to connect a USB device to serial or parellar port. Where can I find one?

Try Mappomedia Industries -- They have everything!

http://mappomedia.tripod.com/

If Mappomedia doesn't have what you are looking for, just jam the USB socket into the hole and beat your computer with a cricket bat.

If your computer reports that it is faulty from repeated beatings with a cricket bat, then don't worry, that is just probably a front for some spyware that's installed on your computer.

[Pumaman]

dear mr macphee,

there's this guy... erm, girl who i really fancy, but im too scared to ask them out. Can u help?

yours,
sleepless

[Evil]

Dear Sex Master DGMacphee,

My current 'love' affair, if you will, I just learned told my ex whom I was madly in love with that we where doing things behind her back causing her breakup with me. Now, I have an ex who hates me and thinks I'm an asshole and a lying female demanding sex from me. What do I do?

Thanks for the advice ahead of time so I can revoke it,
Guy who needs to get laid with a girl that isnt a bitch.

[Domino]

hello,

just wanted to know what to do about personal feminine itching?

woops, wrong board.



j/k

[MrColossal]

Dear DG

Hey, well.. I guess I'll just get too it... There's this stupid post that appeared on AGS GEN GEN and well since i'm a mod of that same forum [i won't tell you who i am! this is anonymous right?] well since I'm a mod on that forum I really want to lock it...

I mean really... What should I do?

Confused With Power

[Squinky]

Dear DgGGG,

Do chicks Really dig Scars?

[Nellie]

Dear Ms Macphee

My socks keep dropping fluff on the carpet.  What I want to know is: should I have salt with my chips?

[Simple]

What are the chords to Cracklin' Rosie, and why am I always inaudible above the music when I sing that deep "Oh I love my Rosie child" part?

Part B:  Balls?

[Gilbert]

DG my dearing darling,

How about we get out together and have a nice swim in the Mediterranian Sea? Maybe we can dive in the water and discover teh wonderful city of Atlantis!1!

[Layabout]

DG,

I keep getting a boner when i play with the dog... Am I into Beastiality???

Teh Dog Humperer...

[DGMacphee]

Man, Tech Support is HARD!

dear mr macphee,

there's this guy... erm, girl who i really fancy, but I'm too scared to ask them out. Can you help?

yours,
sleepless

Yes, I can -- What you must do is kidnap her and put her in a large pit.

This will give her time to fall madly in love with you while you make a jacket from the skin of your victims.

Make sure you give her plenty of lotion and watch out that she doesn't hold your dog hostage.

Dear Sex Master DGMacphee,

My current 'love' affair, if you will, I just learned told my ex whom I was madly in love with that we where doing things behind her back causing her breakup with me. Now, I have an ex who hates me and thinks I'm an asshole and a lying female demanding sex from me. What do I do?

Thanks for the advice ahead of time so I can revoke it,
Guy who needs to get laid with a girl that isnt a bitch.

Oh man, the answer here is so damn simple, and it'll make things fair for everyone.

What you must do is cheat on your current 'love' affair with your ex.

Then the 'love' affair can cheat on you with your ex.

Then I go to the bathroom with some K-Y Jelly.

...

Excuse me...

[remixor]

Deer DG,

Why do you have antlers?

[DGMacphee]

Okay, I'm back!

hello,

just wanted to know what to do about personal feminine itching?

What the hell is 'personal feminine itching'?

Can't you itch like a man for crying out loud?!

And why is it 'personal'??

Is there a 'public feminine itching' too?

Man, you need help, which is why I recommend prison!

Dear DG

Hey, well.. I guess I'll just get too it... There's this stupid post that appeared on AGS GEN GEN and well since i'm a mod of that same forum [i won't tell you who i am! this is anonymous right?] well since I'm a mod on that forum I really want to lock it...

I mean really... What should I do?

Confused With Power

Yeah, I'm getting damn sick and tired of that rodekill posting all that crap too.

You should not only lock his post but ban him altogether!

Then hunt him for game -- Yeah, that'll REALLY make him pee!

Dear DgGGG,

Do chicks Really dig Scars?

Some chicks I know even dig post-mortem scars.

Dear Ms Macphee

My socks keep dropping fluff on the carpet.  What I want to know is: should I have salt with my chips?

What the???

Is this some secret code for 'I want to commit necrophilia but don't know how?'

Either way, you should seek professional councilling from this guy:



I heard he "nips problems in the butt".

What are the chords to Cracklin' Rosie, and why am I always inaudible above the music when I sing that deep "Oh I love my Rosie child" part?

Part B:  Balls?

I think it goes something like: duh-dum-duh-duh-dadadada-something-something-lalalala-du-DUH-DUH-LAAAAAAA!

Also, if you are inaudible, sing louder, even if your parents crash your room with Uzis and tell you to shut up -- If it worked for Celine Dion, it'll work for you.

Also:

DG my dearing darling,

How about we get out together and have a nice swim in the Mediterranian Sea? Maybe we can dive in the water and discover teh wonderful city of Atlantis!1!

This is a terrible problem you have -- I recommend a perscription of Echinacea!

That'll clear those sinuses of yours!

DG,

I keep getting a boner when i play with the dog... Am I into Beastiality???

Teh Dog Humperer...

I'd be more worried if the dog is getting a boner while playing with you.



Helping people sure is rewarding!

[DGMacphee]

Deer DG,

Why do you have antlers?

I think the more important question is "Where do I have antlers?"  



I just had a realy crazy idea -- Why don't I turn this into a weekly Competition-like thing in the Comps and Activities thread.

Each week someone different gives the worst possible tech support they can to people.

What do you all think?

[Simple]

Dear DG,

I used to visit these boards frequently, but have had a recent extended absence.  I've returned, but one of my old friends is asking me about turning one of his posts into a weekly Competition-like thing in the Comps and Activities thread.  I know that our forefathers died so that I'd have the right to vote, but I'm not sure what to do.

How should I vote?

--Mister P____

[Barcik]

Dear Daniel,

How many eggs do I need to do an omlette?

Yours faithfully,
Boris

[Ben]

Dear DG,

Do black guys really have bigger dicks than white guys? If so, why are we TRYING TO STOP RACISM?

[Squinky]

Dear DG,

Do white guys really have smaller dicks than us black guys? If so....then why....er...

[Simple]

Take that, Pedro.

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

I used to visit these boards frequently, but have had a recent extended absence.  I've returned, but one of my old friends is asking me about turning one of his posts into a weekly Competition-like thing in the Comps and Activities thread.  I know that our forefathers died so that I'd have the right to vote, but I'm not sure what to do.

How should I vote?



--Mister P____

Vote NAY! -- He sounds like an utter twat!

And if he's a friend of yours, you're a fool to even associate with such a cretin!

Dear Daniel,

How many eggs do I need to do an omlette?

Yours faithfully,
Boris

You don't need any eggs to do an omlette -- just some lube and a vibrating bed.

Make sure you give your omlette some foreplay first, such as teasing the nipples and rubbing the thighs.

However, if you really wish to use eggs, I suggest a whisk for beating them, but that's pretty damn kinky!

But whatever happens, don't forget to tell your omlette you still will respect it in the morning -- But don't eat it!

Dear DG,

Do black guys really have bigger dicks than white guys? If so, why are we TRYING TO STOP RACISM?

Don't you remember those immortal words by Martin Luthur King?

"I have a dream... that all white men will be envious over the size of our dicks!"

And how so! -- Man, that Luther King sure is a soothsayer!

You see, racism was just a front -- It was all about penis envy.

Luckily, white men are starting to realise that it's okay to have a tiny dick, which brings me to my next question:

Dear DG,

Do white guys really have smaller dicks than us black guys? If so....then why....er...

Seriously, they do have smaller dicks -- I looked at mine recently: very small, like a shrivelled sardine.

However, white guys have bigger testicles so it all balances out in a ying-yang kinda way.

As for Asian guys, they give good head.

* DGMacphee dreams of Gilbert...

[Scavenger]

Dear DG

I woke up this morning, only to find that my house had been taken over by millions of insane rabbits that laugh manically. Should I charge them rent, or kick them out because I don't allow pets? Even as I type they're plotting to take over the world. Do I consult a doctor for their megalomania?

Yours
        Anymonuse

[Squinky]

When setting the table, which side of the plate should the salad fork go?

[Felipe]

Dear DeeGee,
I received a fresh info that there's gonna be a terrorist attack against our beloved American President, Mr. George W. Bush.
Now I can choose between warning the FBI, the CIA and the Secret Service to protect him or take photographs of this (future) historical moment and maybe even win some photograph contest with the pics.
Now I want an advice, based on your philosophical thoghts,  beliefs and faith...
Should I take the photographs in colour or in black & white?

Truly yours,  
-Felipe

[Simple]

Hey, wait up...

Let me explain my "take that pedro" above.

Chris Jones had replied to the black/white penis questions with a handy dandy chart that mapped the average lengths of caucasions, african americans, asians and hispanics...hispanics being ranked favorably low...

So WHERE did the chart go?  Is Chris embarrased of his knowledge of minority genitalia?  Don't be, we're all friends her, and I want to needle some asians.

[Squinky]

And we all just chalked that up to your "wackyness"

--edit----

Holy crap, I somehow managed time travel...

* Squinky runs from the time police

[Domino]

Dear DG,

I'm a white guy hung like a black guy. I can barely walk. what should i do?

anonymous

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG

I woke up this morning, only to find that my house had been taken over by millions of insane rabbits that laugh manically. Should I charge them rent, or kick them out because I don't allow pets? Even as I type they're plotting to take over the world. Do I consult a doctor for their megalomania?

Yours
        Anymonuse

OMG!!1! FURRY FAN!!11!

When setting the table, which side of the plate should the salad fork go?

Umm... The salad side?

Dear DeeGee,
I received a fresh info that there's gonna be a terrorist attack against our beloved American President, Mr. George W. Bush.
Now I can choose between warning the FBI, the CIA and the Secret Service to protect him or take photographs of this (future) historical moment and maybe even win some photograph contest with the pics.
Now I want an advice, based on your philosophical thoghts,  beliefs and faith...
Should I take the photographs in colour or in black & white?

Truly yours,  
-Felipe

Black and white -- they're easier to photoshop to add aliens and shit.

Dear DG,

I'm a white guy hung like a black guy. I can barely walk. what should i do?

anonymous

CRAWL LIKE THE MAGGOT YOU ARE!!!

[Minimi]

Dear DG,

I have this question I can't possibly answer, and I'm sure you've got an answer to it.

If God is able to do everything, can he also make a stone, that he can't pick up himself?

[Nacho]

Dear Daniel:

Which part of the egg is needed for making meringue? The clear one or the yellow?

Dear Daniel: Toasts allways fall to the floor with the mermelade side.

Cats allways fall by feet.

What should happen if he attach a toast to a cat´s back?  

[Pumaman]

Chris Jones had replied to the black/white penis questions with a handy dandy chart that mapped the average lengths of caucasions, african americans, asians and hispanics...hispanics being ranked favorably low...

So WHERE did the chart go?  Is Chris embarrased of his knowledge of minority genitalia?  Don't be, we're all friends her, and I want to needle some asians.

Oh hehe I posted it as a joke, but then when I re-checked I realised it was actually some serious research, and I thought a serious answer didn't really fit with the tone of the thread, so I removed it

If you must see the chart again, it's here: http://www.sizesurvey.com/fig5.gif

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

I have this question I can't possibly answer, and I'm sure you've got an answer to it.

If God is able to do everything, can he also make a stone, that he can't pick up himself?

Yes -- He's God and he can do anything he wants.

If the old coot wants to make a stone that he can't lift up, then by all means he can do that.

AND WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION GOD, PUNY MORTAL?!?!?!

Dear Daniel:

Which part of the egg is needed for making meringue? The clear one or the yellow?

Why the hell would you want to make meringue???

Make an omlette -- they're way more fun!  

Dear Daniel: Toasts allways fall to the floor with the mermelade side.

Cats allways fall by feet.

What should happen if he attach a toast to a cat´s back?  

You get a very pissed-off cat.

[Simple]

Okay, DG, riddle me this.

Two guys are heading for the station.

One is praying for the train to be on time because if it is late he will miss a vital flight connection and surely miss seeing his dying father in another country.

The other guy is praying the train will be late.  He is racing in a traffic-bound taxi to the station, travelling to see his dying father in a hospital and if he misses the train, he will not make it.

What does God do with the train?

(I borrowed this question from Pete Townshend's website, but I want to know your take on it, great and knowledgable one :-) )

[DGMacphee]

Okay, DG, riddle me this.

Two guys are heading for the station.

One is praying for the train to be on time because if it is late he will miss a vital flight connection and surely miss seeing his dying father in another country.

The other guy is praying the train will be late.  He is racing in a traffic-bound taxi to the station, travelling to see his dying father in a hospital and if he misses the train, he will not make it.

What does God do with the train?

(I borrowed this question from Pete Townshend's website, but I want to know your take on it, great and knowledgable one :-) )

He says, "Fuck it! I gave man freewill! Let 'em sort it out themselves!"

Then he puts his feet up on his genuine leather-bound foot-rest (only the best for God) and invites Buddha and Krishna over for afternoon martinis!

I think it'd look something like this:



EDIT: As an afterthought, if the two father were good, they get to join God for martinis so it all works out -- HAPPY ENDING!!!!

EDIT No 2: Unless they were bad -- In that case, they join Satan for shandies!

[Andail]

now that really makes you think doesn't it

[Pumaman]

I feel enlightened. The whole life and existence thing just seems to make so much more sense now.

[Simple]

Okay, as I said, I got this from Pete's website...and I have something to say.

Pete's solution was this:
"If I were God, and I wanted to be fair, I'd feel I must cancel the train altogether.  God, I think, must be a little more creative than that, otherwise he'd never have thought of the need for irony in the first place."

And I must say that, DG, your solution was definitely more creative...right down to the Dalek.  Absolutely lovely.  If anyone else was in the room, I'd stand up and applaud you.

So long story short, you're my new God.  Want me to sacrifice anything?  I'm new to all this.

[DGMacphee]

Want me to sacrifice anything?

Find me a virgin omlette!!!

[Igor]

Dear DG!
I'm reading your column frequently and haven't noticed similar question yet.
Here's how it is: girlfriend and i were together for quite some time and until now everything was perfect. Sure, she was a bit on a quiet side and people were always staring at her when we went in a restaurant or cinema... But in bed... it was perfect. Till now. Just yesterday we had one of the usual hot nights and in the middle of action, she simply exploded! There's a huge hole and i don't think i'll be able to inflate her again...
What should i do? Does that mean, she doesn't love me anymore?

Desperate

[MrColossal]

DG, if you don't mind, i'll take this one:

Dear Desperate,

You dirty cheating whore...

Signed,

EX Mr Desperate

[DGMacphee]

Thanks, man -- You took care of that masterfully!

But I just want to add something:

Just yesterday we had one of the usual hot nights and in the middle of action, she simply exploded! There's a huge hole and i don't think i'll be able to inflate her again...

You should be happy -- It's probably the only way in your entire life you'll ever get a woman to go down on you!

[Nellie]

Dear DG,

*Ba-dum Ching!*

Yours Sincerely,
     Comedy-drum-sound

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

*Ba-dum Ching!*

Yours Sincerely,
     Comedy-drum-sound

You didn't phrase this in the form of a question (This is Tech Support and thus you are supposed to ask me stuff!)

Therefore, you lose final round of Jeopardy!

Do not pass GO!

Do not collect $200!

Go directly to jail and get humped by the big, sweaty, redneck prisoner named Bubba!


BUBBA SAYS: "I GOTS ME A HANKERIN' FOR A PET PUPPY DAWG AND HIS NAME IS NELLIE! SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, LI'L NELLIE!"

I'm glad I've been able to help two soul mates find each other.

[Trapezoid]

Dear DG,

Can I have Bubba's autograph?

Signed,
Neil

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

Can I have Bubba's autograph?

Signed,
Neil

Only as long as he decides where to sign and with what to sign.

[Squinky]

Dearest Dg,

What should I do when I REALLY want t owrite something interesting here, but can't quite muster anything intellegent?

[Timosity]

+--^----------,--------,-----,--------^-,
| ||||||||| `--------' | O
`+---------------------------^----------|
`\_,---------,---------,--------------'
/ XXXXXX /'| /'
/ XXXXXX / `\ /'
/ XXXXXX /`-------'
/ XXXXXX /
/ XXXXXX /
(________(
`------'

[Gilbert]

My Dearest Madam DG Honey:

I just said to a tree today morning: "You Poo Pooster Poobungies Furking Shniz Wiz!1! No go away!1!"
I want to know: Did I hurt it? Should I confess for what I did? Would it go away like I told it to? I had to do that because it was luring me to have sex with it, am I normal? Or was I just getting illusions?

(Nevermind, I bet that tree won't understand good English anyway...)


One more Q... When will you be tired of swimming?

I'm waiting for you by the shore, hun... *KISS* *KISS*

Love, Gilbot

[DGMacphee]

Dearest Dg,

What should I do when I REALLY want t owrite something interesting here, but can't quite muster anything intellegent?

Then the answer is pretty simple, isn't it? -- Just don't write anything until you do muster something intelligent.

+--^----------,--------,-----,--------^-,
| ||||||||| `--------' | O
`+---------------------------^----------|
`\_,---------,---------,--------------'
/ XXXXXX /'| /'
/ XXXXXX / `\ /'
/ XXXXXX /`-------'
/ XXXXXX /
/ XXXXXX /
(________(
`------'

Read above reply.

My Dearest Madam DG Honey:

I just said to a tree today morning: "You Poo Pooster Poobungies Furking Shniz Wiz!1! No go away!1!"
I want to know: Did I hurt it? Should I confess for what I did? Would it go away like I told it to? I had to do that because it was luring me to have sex with it, am I normal? Or was I just getting illusions?

I know hippies often say the world will be a better place if we hug more trees, so maybe if you do that and play on the swings together everything will work out okay between the two of you.

On a side note, I knew this guy in high school -- rumour was he once got drunk at a party and actually started humping a tree.

It's crazy cause when I get drunk I just fight with trees.

"Cyum on, ya stoopid tree! I'll taksha on! Ya nothin but a SHURB! Come on, swing yer puny branches! I'll beat the sap out of ya!"

That'll teach that goddamn tree!

One more Q... When will you be tired of swimming?

I actually have my own Sealab below the great Australian Bight, just like Captain Murphy.

So...

If you're looking for me,
You better check under the sea,
'cause that is where you'll find me,
Underneath the sea, lab,
Underneath the water,
Sea lab, at the bottom of the sea.

[Timosity]

Read above reply.

It wasn't a question

Read the post above mine, Then think about my answer.

[DGMacphee]

It wasn't a question

Read the post above mine, Then think about my answer.

This is DG's Tech Support Service!

Not Timosity's ASCII art service!

Even though it is a nice picture of a gun, it makes a poor substitute for an actual answer.

Besides, if someone should kill themselves, it should be by getting super-pissed and swallowing a frisbee!

[Ishmael]

I want to know why is it that every time I open the front door, I see a cruisermissile coming at me. If I close the door and wait, a few seconds later I hear a big BOOM, and when I open the door again, there's small fires everywhere and all nearby buildings are severly damaged. If I won't close the door, the missile will crash on my face, and the explosion tosses me agains the toilet door, and then the hall is full of little fires and the closets are severly damaged. And besides, there's something writtin in arabic or hebrew or whatever on the side of the missile...

[DGMacphee]

I want to know why is it that every time I open the front door, I see a cruisermissile coming at me. If I close the door and wait, a few seconds later I hear a big BOOM, and when I open the door again, there's small fires everywhere and all nearby buildings are severly damaged. If I won't close the door, the missile will crash on my face, and the explosion tosses me agains the toilet door, and then the hall is full of little fires and the closets are severly damaged. And besides, there's something writtin in arabic or hebrew or whatever on the side of the missile...

Cause these guys can't get their shit together:

[Nacho]

Dear DG Macphee:

My question is:

Why passed so many time before we realised that this thread is just dirty trick by you to increase your posting figures?  

Well... just one more thing:

Kansas City Chiefs or New England Patriots?  

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG Macphee:

My question is:

Why passed so many time before we realised that this thread is just dirty trick by you to increase your posting figures?  

And why are you supporting such a dirty trick by asking me questions?

When you answer that, you'll attain total enlightenment to your question.

Well... just one more thing:

Kansas City Chiefs or New England Patriots?  

Take Viagra -- Even soccer players recommend it!

[Nacho]

It´s a trick... It´s dirty... It´s funny!  

[Timosity]

November 19th 1999, was the last date of our lives to contain only odd digits. How do we tell our future kids what it was like?

[DGMacphee]

November 19th 1999, was the last date of our lives to contain only odd digits. How do we tell our future kids what it was like?

Remember when your dad tried to tell you that 50 cents was worth a lot of money back in his day -- In fact, so much money that you could place a deposit on a house? (and if you were a really shrewd shopper, you could buy a whole house with the 50 cents)

Now, remember how you really didn't give a shit?

Your kids are going to be the same way.

[La Lore]

Dear Daniel:

Why the sky is blue?
My boyfriend told me that it is blue because it reflexes the sea, but that should mean that in the middle of Australia the sky should be red...

And... If the water when flushed spins to one side in one hemisphere and to the other in other...
to which side does the water spin in the Equador?

[Matt Brown]

dear DG,
Next world cup. Who's gonna win?

[DGMacphee]

Dear Daniel:

Why the sky is blue?
My boyfriend told me that it is blue because it reflexes the sea, but that should mean that in the middle of Australia the sky should be red...

See, you don't need my help with this one, cause you've obviously figured it out for yourself.

Therefore, your boyfriend is a liar -- punch Farlander in the nads so he can't have any children.

And... If the water when flushed spins to one side in one hemisphere and to the other in other...
to which side does the water spin in the Equador?

Don't you know anything???

They don't use water in the toilets on the equator -- They use magic turd fairies that whisk your brown logs away and leave a dollor in place.

They look similar to the pic in your signature, only covered in more faeces.

dear DG,
Next world cup. Who's gonna win?

Everyone is gonna get piss-blind anyway so it really doesn't matter who wins, it's how drunk you get that counts.

I was so wasted last year, I can't even remember who won.

I think it was Tibet or Antarctica or some other country in Europe.

[Andail]

I think it was Tibet or Antarctica or some other country in Europe.

HAHAHAHa
That was funny because we all know Antartica and Tibet are not European countries.

Dear mister Goofy McMoron,
How can you come up with all these funny jokes, post after post after post? Are you connected to some sort of funny-bone tickling machine?
Has a pencil penetrated your celebral cortex and stimulated your humour-center?
Have you taken Andy Penis's correspondent course in whackiness? Were you simultaneously granted slippery treats by his grandfather? Are you wearing your magic galosh o' +3 in funniness? Have you sneaked in our bedrooms and opened a can of funny-gas?
HOW O HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUNNY!!=??
                                                          Yours, Andail

[remixor]

Dear DGMacphee,

Please do that thing where you're all "And welcome to the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGS Show!!!!"  It's funy and I CRAP MY PANTS EVREY TIEM!!111

ROFL,
Hilarious

[DGMacphee]

Dear mister Goofy McMoron,
How can you come up with all these funny jokes, post after post after post? Are you connected to some sort of funny-bone tickling machine?
Has a pencil penetrated your celebral cortex and stimulated your humour-center?
Have you taken Andy Penis's correspondent course in whackiness? Were you simultaneously granted slippery treats by his grandfather? Are you wearing your magic galosh o' +3 in funniness? Have you sneaked in our bedrooms and opened a can of funny-gas?
HOW O HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUNNY!!=??
                                                          Yours, Andail

Who said anything about funny???

I'm running a serious tech support service here, pal, and you're ruining all my high-tech and cutting-edge advice with stupid questions!

Stop being a lamer, you n00b!

Dear DGMacphee,

Please do that thing where you're all "And welcome to the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGS Show!!!!"  It's funy and I CRAP MY PANTS EVREY TIEM!!111

ROFL,
Hilarious

If you crap your pants everythime I say "AGS Show", then you've obviously got some serious problems.

Luckily, I know a website perfect for your condition:

http://www.babyjamie.com/

Hope it helps!


P.S. AGS SHOW!!!!

[remixor]

Dear Machphee,

Your P.S. just caused me to crap my pants.  Can you suggest a good medicine for diarrhea?

[DGMacphee]

Dear Machphee,

Your P.S. just caused me to crap my pants.  Can you suggest a good medicine for diarrhea?

Yes -- It's called a 'steel-capped boot' and if you can get one of your friends to insert one of these into your rectum with great force, you'll stop yer crapping.

In fact, I can administer this medicine for you right now.

[Matt Brown]

what was the super cool question I was going to ask you that I forgot?

[Squinky]

Dear Dg,

If you had a teenage daughter, which forum member would you least likely want her to date?


Sincerely
-guy who shot himself after his last post

[SSH]

Dear Danny-boy,

Who put the bomp in the bomp-ba bomp-ba bomp?
Who put the ram in the ram-a-lama-ding-dong?

[Ishmael]

Those Napoleon XIV lyrics? From 'Marching to Bedlam'...

[DGMacphee]

what was the super cool question I was going to ask you that I forgot?

Maybe that one.

Dear Dg,

If you had a teenage daughter, which forum member would you least likely want her to date?

I'd least likely want her dating me, as I'd go to jail if she did.

Luckily, I don't play the banjo or own a pick-up truck/shotgun, so I don't see that happening.

H'yuck h'yuck!

[Barcik]

Dear DG,

What is the square root of 1059438543?

[DGMacphee]

Dear Danny-boy,

Who put the bomp in the bomp-ba bomp-ba bomp?
Who put the ram in the ram-a-lama-ding-dong?

Is this some new hip-hop lingo that all the kids are using?

I don't know what you're actually talking about here BRO but you and your HOMMIES better KEEP IT REAL very soon before I WHIP OUT MY FORTY-FIVE and POP A CAP IN YOUR ARSE!

I am ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS!

Dear DG,

What is the square root of 1059438543?

OMG!!1! WRONG FOURM!1!

http://www.agsforums.com/yabb/index.php?board=10;action=display;threadid=9250;start=0#msg112324

[Rincewind]

Dear DG MacPhee:

Here's a question me and my friends have been pondering on for quite a long time:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Please help us, we have the woodchuck already, but how much wood should we chuck?

Brigadeer F.M Marwood (Retired)

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG MacPhee:

Here's a question me and my friends have been pondering on for quite a long time:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Please help us, we have the woodchuck already, but how much wood should we chuck?

Brigadeer F.M Marwood (Retired)

YOU NEED TO UPGRADE YOUR COMPUTER!

BUY SOME RAM AND A DVD DRIVE!

[Czar]

Dear DG, why did Rincewind ask the question I wanted to ask? Is it because of the time difference? or just because he lives out in that country (when you go to Europe, but then you take the left turn)?

[Hobbes]

Dear DG,

The past few weeks I've been dreaming about you in a sexual kinda way. I find your manly advice rather attractive...

...is there hope for me?

[Matt Brown]

Dear DG,

My girlfriend caught me checking out another girl. Crap. what do I do?

[Privateer Puddin']

well, id check if they were up for a threesome

[Matt Brown]

well..see, I'd kinda want to keep my girlfriend, and trust me, she wouldnt be up for that.

I wonder what DeeGee would do...

[magintz unplugged]

Dear Dr Macphee!

I am wondering how to improve my art skills, I really am very bad at art, any suggestions?

also i'm a bit fat, how can I lose weight without effort or surgery...

[Minimi]

Dear DG,

What was created first, the chicken or the egg?

[remixor]

Dear DG,

What was created first, the Vel or the foz?

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG, why did Rincewind ask the question I wanted to ask? Is it because of the time difference? or just because he lives out in that country (when you go to Europe, but then you take the left turn)?

Because you're both the same person.

Go start your own fight club, Tyler!

Dear DG,

The past few weeks I've been dreaming about you in a sexual kinda way. I find your manly advice rather attractive...

...is there hope for me?

Is 'hope' another word for 'gay sex'?

If so, I'm afraid I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans!

Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious -- but the answer is no, I don't find gay sex a turn on.

Dear DG,

My girlfriend caught me checking out another girl. Crap. what do I do?

Leave her and have gay sex with me.

Dear Dr Macphee!

I am wondering how to improve my art skills, I really am very bad at art, any suggestions?

I could give you the typical cliches (LEANS FLERAER!!!!1!), but I've got a better solution.

Go to google.com and click "Images" -- Then type the style of background you want.

Within seconds, you'll have a heap of backgrounds to choose from.

If it works for Kazaa, it'll work for you.

also i'm a bit fat, how can I lose weight without effort or surgery...

Excessive masturbation.

Dear DG,

What was created first, the chicken or the egg?

I think this shows what REALLY came first:



Wow, my first product placement -- WOO HOO!

Dear DG,

What was created first, the Vel or the foz?

BUY COKE -- CAN'T BEAT THE REAL THING!!!

[Rincewind]

YOU NEED TO UPGRADE YOUR COMPUTER!

BUY SOME RAM AND A DVD DRIVE!

It's that simple? Wow, thank you and thank you again, DG! You have made out lives so much easier now! Long live DG!

Because you're both the same person.

Go start your own fight club, Tyler!

No, no - That's not possible - I think it's just the time difference up here in...

...

...Although, that would explain that nasty gunwound in my throat that's been pestering me the last months...

[La Lore]

Dear Daniel:

Why there are no WC in the equator?

[jetxl]

dear DG.
Why did terminator 3 suck?

[Matt Brown]

dear DG,

why do I always drop my drumsticks during large important drum solos?

[DGMacphee]

Dear Daniel:

Why there are no WC in the equator?

I told you why HERE!!!

dear DG.
Why did terminator 3 suck?

Hmmm...

It's got Arnie in it.

It's a sequel.

It's got a director who migrated from b-grade horror.

But most importantly: NO NINJAS OR PIRATES!!!1!

dear DG,

why do I always drop my drumsticks during large important drum solos?

Maybe they're the wrong drumsticks?

Put down those chicken legs and get a proper set!

Remember: Food is not an instrument!

Well, it's either that, or you're just uncoordinated.

[Barcik]

Dear DG,

Can God create a stone he cannot lift?

[Matt Brown]

dear DG,

My Girlfriend refused to forgive me, and now she is dating my best friend to spite me

my question is, what is the ninja way to kill yourself when you arent pissed enough to swallow a frisbe?

[Minimi]

Dear DG,

Can God create a stone he cannot lift?

Hey I asked that one already!!

[Barcik]

Sorry, didn't notice.

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

Can God create a stone he cannot lift?

OMG!1! I AERS ALREDY ANSER THSI QESTSHUN!!1! READ PAST PAEGS!1! LOL N00B!!

dear DG,

My Girlfriend refused to forgive me, and now she is dating my best friend to spite me

Then date her best friend to spite her -- It all balances out the nature of the universe!

my question is, what is the ninja way to kill yourself when you arent pissed enough to swallow a frisbe?

The thing is ninjas DON'T kill themselves when they're NOT super-pissed -- Why would they bother when they've busy being all cool looking and wailing on guitars and shit?

When they're super-pissed and there's no one to kill, that's when they kill themselves.

[Barcik]

Dear DG,

I've seen the Matrix Reloaded recently, but unfortunately I failed to understand the ending. Can you please explain to me what the architect told Neo?

[Pumaman]

Dear DG,

Why are there 24 hours in a day? Surely it would make more sense to have 20?

[Barcik]

20 isn't enough to pull of a hit series.

[remixor]

Dear DG,

Why is Barcik muscling in on your turf?

[Scavenger]

Dear DG

Why do I think I'm a hyena? Recently I've been having strange urges to try and chase off people and eat their meals for them, and laugh spookily.

PS Thank you for your valuable advice about the rabbits. It makes so much sense now.

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

I've seen the Matrix Reloaded recently, but unfortunately I failed to understand the ending. Can you please explain to me what the architect told Neo?

He told him: "OMG!!1! WALLHAX0R!!1!"

Dear DG,

Why are there 24 hours in a day? Surely it would make more sense to have 20?

20 isn't enough to pull of a hit series.

Hey, who's the damn tech support guy here, huh smartarse?

Guys who don't understand what the architect says in the Matrix shouldn't go answer other people's questions.

As for CJ, whatever Barcik said will do for my answer (except, add the word 'AWESOME' somewhere there).

Dear DG,

Why is Barcik muscling in on your turf?

Cause he's one of those guys who saw the Matrix movies, pretended to understand them cause he thinks he knows everything -- BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN GET WHAT THE ARCHITECT SAID AND YET I DO!!!

LOLOMGWTFBBQ!!!1!

Dear DG

Why do I think I'm a hyena? Recently I've been having strange urges to try and chase off people and eat their meals for them, and laugh spookily.

PS Thank you for your valuable advice about the rabbits. It makes so much sense now.

Actually, I think if you follow the same advice I gave about the rabbit problem, you'll find the solution to this problem too.

But stop these dreams about being a rabbit or a hyena, man.

Be a super, fucking cool furry -- Like a werewolf!

With laserbeams on his arms!

And sunglasses!

That knows kung-fu!

Yeah, I'd like to see one of those guys parade the furry forums!

His AWESOME lasercannons will pull all the furry chicks!

They'd be all "OMG!! LASERCANNONS!!!"

And that would totaly rule!

[Barcik]

Dear DG,
Why don't you like me?  :'(

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,
Why don't you like me?  :'(

Cuz u don't understand the Matrix -- It's all philosophical and shit!

[Pumaman]

Dear DG,

How come the Matrix 2 had no story but plenty of over-extended fight scenes, and yet drew an audience of millions?

[Hobbes]

Hmpf DG,

How come ever since your last response to my question, I have your picture on my dartboard and I've ritually burned all my unsent loveletters in a big bonfire?

[Matt Brown]

dear DG,

Im hungry. What should I eat?

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

How come the Matrix 2 had no story but plenty of over-extended fight scenes, and yet drew an audience of millions?

Chicks in latex -- simple as that.

Hmpf DG,

How come ever since your last response to my question, I have your picture on my dartboard and I've ritually burned all my unsent loveletters in a big bonfire?

There are so many fucking Freudian references in your question that answering it would cause you to cream your pants.

So, I won't.

dear DG,

Im hungry. What should I eat?

Maybe a Toyota RAV4 with a roof-rack?

...

Some food, idiot -- What else could a normal human being eat other than that?!?

[Haddas]

D34R DG

WYH D035 3V3RYHB0DY H473 M3 1N T3H MU1TIP14Y3R G4M3S? OMG!!!1!WTF1111111111111111111111 LOL!!!!!!11!1111!11

[DGMacphee]

D34R DG

WYH D035 3V3RYHB0DY H473 M3 1N T3H MU1TIP14Y3R G4M3S? OMG!!!1!WTF1111111111111111111111 LOL!!!!!!11!1111!11

Do you just roll your fist over the keyboard when writing to me, or are you actually trying to ask me something important?

[Ben]

I'll translate for you:

Dearest DG,

Why do all my butt plugs smell like poo? They're, like, really grody.. Think I can put them in the dishwasher?

(oh my god what the fuck laughing out loud one one one one one one one one one one exclamation point etc..)

[DGMacphee]

I'll translate for you:

Dearest DG,

Why do all my butt plugs smell like poo? They're, like, really grody.. Think I can put them in the dishwasher?

(oh my god what the fuck laughing out loud one one one one one one one one one one exclamation point etc..)

Hmmm, butt plugs smelling like poo, butt plugs smelling like poo... I don't know about this one -- I think you've got me stumped!

Maybe, it's cause they're called BUTT PLUGS hence you stick them up you BUTT -- that could be the reason, genius!

As for washing them, I recommend you stick one in each ear and run into a wall very quickly.

Repeatedly.

On purpose.

[Ishmael]

Dear Mr. DG:

There's this girl, who I might have a crush on (don't know :), and all I know about her is her name, that she is one grade below me, and she is quite shy (as far as I've seen). Then to my question: Shoud I throw something out of the window and work on my game, or go see if there's anybody by the pool table?

[Pumaman]

Dear DG,

If Lion-O and Bruticus had a fight, who would win?

[Ghormak]

Dear DG,

Have you ever done this? Should I ever do it? Do you know anyone who has done it? Does this count as one or four questions?

[DGMacphee]

Dear Mr. DG:

There's this girl, who I might have a crush on (don't know :), and all I know about her is her name, that she is one grade below me, and she is quite shy (as far as I've seen). Then to my question: Shoud I throw something out of the window and work on my game, or go see if there's anybody by the pool table?

You could throw your dignity out the window if you're trying to hit on chicks below your grade.

Why not the grade above? -- They're way cooler and know how to party!

Dear DG,

If Lion-O and Bruticus had a fight, who would win?

MEGATRON!!!

Dear DG,

Have you ever done this? Should I ever do it? Do you know anyone who has done it? Does this count as one or four questions?

Have I ever done a nonsense webcomic?

Sure have:



Should you do one?

Why not!

I know lots of wacky oddballs who've done them.

As for your last question, look carefully at this stereogram for your answer:



Actually, I just wanted to post a picture of a turd!  

[Gilbert]

Dear Ma'am DG:

I've just forgotten my question, can you tell me what question I was going to ask?

[SSH]

Deer Doctor DG,

How  long do you think it will be before people get bored of asking questions in this thread, or you get bored of replying and it slips off the first page of Gen Gen?

[Andail]

As for your last question, look carefully at this stereogram for your answer:

Woah, if you look at a 30 cm distance, with your eyes slightly squinted, it'll turn out that old picture of DG standing in the bathroom with a blue cup, and in 3D!

[Ishmael]

Why not the grade above? -- They're way cooler and know how to party!

Well, I'm on the highest grade in this school... and I'm not looking for party... And I went to see is there anyone by the pool table yesterday, and there wasn't, so I went to work on my game. Today, when I went to see if there's anyone there, she was there playing with another girl from her class. I have no idea why I'm asking, but should I stop playing TIM untill 3 am?

[Haddas]

Dear DG

Why do marbles taste so good with navelfluff. Should I have apple pie with ketshup or hamsandwiches with broccoli jam for dessert, I can't decide.

Please answer quickly... I might die!

[Squinky]

Dg,

Often times when fighting Ninjas, I find that I swear quite a bit. From one ninja-slayer to another, could you give me some advice that might keep me from making nearby mothers shield their children's ears when I disembowel a Ninja near them?

Thanks again
-Squinky

[DGMacphee]

Dear Ma'am DG:

I've just forgotten my question, can you tell me what question I was going to ask?

Probably that one.

Deer Doctor DG,

How  long do you think it will be before people get bored of asking questions in this thread, or you get bored of replying and it slips off the first page of Gen Gen?

Considering the post count so far, the amount of rude words I haven't used, and the oodles of stupid pictures on google's image-search, I can only quote Elton John:

And I think it's gonna be a long, lone time...

Woah, if you look at a 30 cm distance, with your eyes slightly squinted, it'll turn out that old picture of DG standing in the bathroom with a blue cup, and in 3D!

You don't need to squint.

Well, I'm on the highest grade in this school... and I'm not looking for party... And I went to see is there anyone by the pool table yesterday, and there wasn't, so I went to work on my game. Today, when I went to see if there's anyone there, she was there playing with another girl from her class. I have no idea why I'm asking, but should I stop playing TIM untill 3 am?

What do you mean you're in the highest grade? -- That's never stopped anyone before!

If you're in the highest grade in high school, just find a university student.

Hell, my best friend did!

Granted, he got her pregnant before he graduated, but if you're gonna do that it might as well be with someone who's passed puberty.

Dear DG

Why do marbles taste so good with navelfluff. Should I have apple pie with ketshup or hamsandwiches with broccoli jam for dessert, I can't decide.

Please answer quickly... I might die!

Simple answer: You're insane -- Stop masturbating in your own faeces like a crack-addicted monkey and go do something normal for a change like flying a kite or buying commercial products at the supermakert.

Long Answer: YOU NEED A NEW CPU!!!

Dg,

Often times when fighting Ninjas, I find that I swear quite a bit. From one ninja-slayer to another, could you give me some advice that might keep me from making nearby mothers shield their children's ears when I disembowel a Ninja near them?

Thanks again
-Squinky

No, no, no -- you've got it all wrong!

To quote from a well-resourced website:

"Q: I heard that ninjas are always cruel or mean.  What's their problem?

A: Whoever told you that is a total liar.  Just like other mammals, ninjas can be mean OR totally awesome. "

So, in other words, you shouldn't even be trying to kill those ninjas, because they "are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet".

You should just be trying to swear in front of kids without killing ninjas!

So, next time you see a ninja eating icecream near some kids, just ignore the ninja, go up to the kids, and shout "HA HA FUCKERS! YOU'RE NOT EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE!"

Trust me: I used to run parties for children!

[Barcik]

Dear DG,

Where's Waldo?

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

Where's Waldo?

In my pants.

[Ghostmaker]

Dear DG

If America calls Iraqs nuclear weapons "weapons of mass destruction" what do they call their own nuclear weapons, and why dont my nuclear weapons work.

[Gilbert]

If America calls Iraqs nuclear weapons "weapons of mass destruction" what do they call their own nuclear weapons, and why dont my nuclear weapons work.

I can answer it for you, no need to wait for DG:

1. Gadgets of Mass Salvation
2. Because you're holding teh radioactive material in your bare hand without a container, so you die before triggering teh weapons!

[Femme Stab Mode >:D]

Dear DEEGEESUS,
what's the meaning of life?

[Andail]

1. Gadgets of Mass Salvation

that's a good one

Oh, and Femme...if DG truly had found the meaning of life, do you think he'd spend all day writing silly posts in a thread like this in a forum like ours?

Unless, of course, that is the meaning of life.

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG

If America calls Iraqs nuclear weapons "weapons of mass destruction" what do they call their own nuclear weapons, and why dont my nuclear weapons work.

Gilbert did a pretty good job in answering this, but I'll give it a try.

America's weapons aren't Weapons of Mass Destruction -- they Weapons of Joy and Prosperity.

Ah, fuck it -- Either way you look at it, they're the same weapons, and the US hasn't found them in Iraq yet because the US has to first put them there when no one is looking.

As for your nuclear weapons, maybe you shouldn't substitute nuclear material for toothpaste -- It's doesn't work.

But that doesn't matter -- Rumsfeld and Co are tracking your ass for even just mentioning the phrase "my nuclear weapons".

Shit, now they're tracking me -- Thanks, shithead!

Dear DEEGEESUS,
what's the meaning of life?

Hahahaha -- Like I'm going to tell you, let alone announce it on a public forum!

I'm not that fucking stupid!

If you want to really know, you got to slip me a thick wad o' cash first.

Otherwise, stiff shit!

[jannar85]

Dear DG, why has my father been laid by your mother, and taped it?

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG, why has my father been laid by your mother, and taped it?

Been "laid" by my mother??

What is she -- a hen or something???

Why can't you just say "fuck" like a man, you pansy!!

And what about this "taped" shit -- Did he use scotch tape, gaffer tape, masking tape, whatthefuck?

And what the hell do you mean by "it" -- Are you saying he taped her snatch?

Why would he do such a dumbfuck thing after FUCKING with her?

Please, if you're going to make up stupid questions about my mother having sex with a complete stranger,  first make sure they not pussified and that they make sense.

P.S. Did you get my birthday card, little brother?

[jannar85]

Been "laid" by my mother??

What is she -- a hen or something???

Why can't you just say "fuck" like a man, you pansy!!

And what about this "taped" shit -- Did he use scotch tape, gaffer tape, masking tape, whatthefuck?

And what the hell do you mean by "it" -- Are you saying he taped her snatch?

Why would he do such a dumbfuck thing after FUCKING with her?

Please, if you're going to make up stupid questions about my mother having sex with a complete stranger,  first make sure they not pussified and that they make sense.

P.S. Did you get my birthday card, little brother?

Sorry. I don't have birthday today, but thanks for asking.
Sorry again for that question. I meant MY mother.. But who cares! He screws around with everyone!


P.S - that question was just a sarcastic question
Sorry for doing it. I'll never do it again, bro.

[DGMacphee]

Sorry. I don't have birthday today, but thanks for asking.
Sorry again for that question. I meant MY mother.. But who cares! He screws around with everyone!


P.S - that question was just a sarcastic question
Sorry for doing it. I'll never do it again, bro.

Oh!

Well that does make a lot of difference...

That still doesn't explain why he sticky-taped her snatch shut though.

Must be some new chasity belt-like thing

[earlwood]

All knowing and powerful DG:

1.  Are roach's body able to sence pain, or am I just wasting my time saber fighting them with toothpicks?

2. Canned or Fresh yams?

[DGMacphee]

All knowing and powerful DG:

1.  Are roach's body able to sence pain, or am I just wasting my time saber fighting them with toothpicks?

No, no -- keep fighting them with your "lightsaber".

Just make sure to record the footage and put it on Kazaa.

2. Canned or Fresh yams?

We're not a very high-yam eating population\ in Australia, so I've never actually seen a yam.

But after a google image-search, I must conclude that they look like large turds.

Don't believe me?



Can you spot the difference?

In any case, go with fresh -- There's not much market for canned shit.

[Timosity]

How come you didn't tell us Yahtzee was finally moving in with you

http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/essays/byebye.htm

[DGMacphee]

How come you didn't tell us Yahtzee was finally moving in with you

http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/essays/byebye.htm

Cause it's not really all that amazing.

Really, look at it like this:

1. Yahtzee's girlfriend is here in Brisbane.

2. Yahtzee is male, thus horny like any of the cast from either Animal House or Caddyshack.

1 + 2 = Happy Yahtzee in Brisbane with girlfriend

Therefore, he's not coming to Brisbane to see my fuzzy arse, so why should I care?

...

...

* DGMacphee cries!

On a completely different note, I do plan to release my own line of books for children called 'The Adventures of Ben and Sarah'.

Here's a page:

[Haddas]

BWAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAA!!!! LOL!!!
That's great!

One thing... You van't put that kind of bad language in a childrens book, come on! children get nightmares if you tell them shit like "Ben feels happy"

[SSH]

I know someone who can't tell the difference between Eminem and Justin Timberlake: what can I do to help them?

Also, why can't Vin Diesel sing? (for those of you who watched the MTV Europe music awards, you'll know what I mean)

[DGMacphee]

I know someone who can't tell the difference between Eminem and Justin Timberlake: what can I do to help them?

I don't think they need help just yet.

When they start stalking from office to office with an Armalite AR-180 carbine gas-operated semi-automatic, pumping round after round into colleagues and coworkers, that's when you should seek help for them.

P.S. BUY A DELL!!!

Also, why can't Vin Diesel sing? (for those of you who watched the MTV Europe music awards, you'll know what I mean)

Oh, he can sing.

He just sings like a fuckknuckle.

[Barcik]

How come the Californians elected Arnold Schwarzenegger as their governor? Haven't they seen "The Terminator"? He is an evil robot sent back from the future to destroy humanity!

[jetxl]

Dear DG

Give me money.

[Raggit]

Dear DG,

Why won't my pet smiley stop crying?   :'(

[DGMacphee]

How come the Californians elected Arnold Schwarzenegger as their governor? Haven't they seen "The Terminator"? He is an evil robot sent back from the future to destroy humanity!

I always thought he was Danny Devito's pregnant twin come to stop Satan.

Then I realised he's not a pregnant twin or an evil robot.

He's just a shitty actor who'll make an even shittier politician.

Dear DG

Give me money.

Ho ho ho, I'm not falling for that one again!

Dear DG,

Why won't my pet smiley stop crying?   :'(

Cause your smiley needs to turn that frown UPSIDE DOWN!

[Squinky]

Dear Dg.

I appreciate your previous advice about not killing ninjas and just cussing out little kids. It works well in theory, but I find myself unable to sleep at night when I haven't had a good full day of ninja slaying. I've tried to pacify myself by fighting football mascots, since they remind me of mutant turtle ninjas, but it just dosen't cut it.

What should I do? Do I need a new computer too?

[DGMacphee]

Dear Dg.

I appreciate your previous advice about not killing ninjas and just cussing out little kids. It works well in theory, but I find myself unable to sleep at night when I haven't had a good full day of ninja slaying. I've tried to pacify myself by fighting football mascots, since they remind me of mutant turtle ninjas, but it just dosen't cut it.

What should I do? Do I need a new computer too?

Masturbate.

THEN UPGRADE YOUR VIDEO CARD!!!

[jetxl]

to DG.
I have the charisma of a dead skunk.
Not even ugly girls wouldn't look at me twice.

I've tried to walk on my hands for one day but then people told me not to talk so much shit.

What am I to do.

[Ishmael]

The great DG:

I seem to be on a little whirlpool. Now this kinda stupid girl on my class, who I used to dislike coz of her lack of sense of humor and intelligence, is together with this boy two grades below us, he is 2 and ½ years younger as me and she, I'm like 9 days older then she. Something like that... anyway, this week my instict has told me many things, which have turned out to be true. Now it tells me that these two shouldn't be thogether. It's been like a week or so... What should I do?

[DGMacphee]

to DG.
I have the charisma of a dead skunk.
Not even ugly girls wouldn't look at me twice.

I've tried to walk on my hands for one day but then people told me not to talk so much shit.

What am I to do.

Jetxl, I'm glad you came to me with this problem because it usually leads to greater self-esteem problems if not treated properly.

The problem is you are VERY UGLY.

Luckily, I have a solution that wil turn you from this:



into this:



Whoa! -- My loins are quivering from looking at that stud!

Anyway, you need to follow the following steps:

1. Get plastic surgery -- Everyone in Hollywood looks beautiful, cause they've all had plastic surgery, and that is somethint that will make you 100x better looking.

2. Get a Penis Enlargement -- Why does Ron Jeremy get so many chicks? It's not cause he's good looking (though if he followed Step 1, he'd get 2x the chicks he normally does -- and that's a lot of chicks!). It's because he has a large penis, and you can have the same if you answer one of those many e-mails in your inbox.

3. Become a SPY -- It's doesn't matter if it's Sean Connery, George Lazenby, or Pierce Brosnan, James Bond ALWAYS gets chicks cause he's a SPY -- Even if you don't want to be a REAL spy, just pretend to be a spy by drinking lots of martinis, and even if you don't score you'll still get drunk!

4. Play Sports -- Not Chess, cause people who play chess are NERDS and you don't want to be a NERD -- Play football and you'll get thousands of women climbing through your windows asking for some "good stuff" HEHEHEHEHEH (That means they want some fuck).

5. Pretend to be all caring and stuff -- One of the best lines to say to a girl is "I don't want to rush this... I want to get to know you personally first." and I promise she'll want to jump in the sack within an hour.

And after you do all the above, follow the most important step:

6. Learn cunnilingus (http://www.cunnilingustutor.com/) -- If you give the ugliest girl cunnilingus, she will spread  the TRUE rumour that you are 'Sex God El Supremo', and all other girls will want to date you. Then you can drop the ugly girl and go out with your pick: the cheerleader, the mall-girl, the latin exchange student, the girl who looks like Beyonce Knowles, the hottie in Math class, etc.

There you have it -- follow these steps and you'll become BIG MAN ON CAMPUS.

The only sacrifice is you'll be a vapid moron who'll probably flip burgers for the rest of his life (either that or a junkie) but what difference does that make when you're getting the hot stuff from the ladies every single night!  

[DGMacphee]

The great DG:

I seem to be on a little whirlpool. Now this kinda stupid girl on my class, who I used to dislike coz of her lack of sense of humor and intelligence, is together with this boy two grades below us, he is 2 and ½ years younger as me and she, I'm like 9 days older then she. Something like that... anyway, this week my instict has told me many things, which have turned out to be true. Now it tells me that these two shouldn't be thogether. It's been like a week or so... What should I do?

Go home and masturbate while thinking about the two of them happily married with children.

Or you could try the advice I gave to Jetxl -- That is a sure winner with the ladies!

[Ishmael]

Again me...

Did this topic die?

On second thought... I don't want to know...

[Barcik]

Go home and masturbate...

Is this a recorded message? Have you no shame?

[Gilbert]

DG my dear,

Who is cos777?

[DGMacphee]

Again me...

Did this topic die?

On second thought... I don't want to know...

Too bad -- Yes, it did die and it was a nice peaceful death and YOU RUINED IT!!

* DGMacphee sees the Statue of Liberty.

YOU BLEW IT UP -- DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

Go home and masturbate...

Is this a recorded message? Have you no shame?

You sound tense -- maybe you should masturbate.

DG my dear,

Who is cos777?

Keyser Soze.

[Bruiseed]

Dear DGMacphee,

My cat goes poop a lot. I don't mind it, and there really isn't anything unusual about it. But what I do find alarming is her need to run through the house at top speed following her bowel movement. Why is she so compelled to run into one room, stop, look at random spots in the air, turn, and run to another room, then back to the first room, after every time she poops? Is it a sign of ill health? Are tiny poop fairies plaguing her? Should I hire a priest? Thank you in advance.

Love,
Bruised Weasel

[Gilbert]

I want an answer too, my cat always does exactly the same things.

[SSH]

My cat used to do that too! But it doesn't anymore....

becasue now  it does its business in the garden instead, she runs through the garden at top speed following her bowel movement.

[Haddas]

My cat just sneaks into my room and shits in my bed !!!

[Ben]

Why are you smiling about that?

[remixor]

Maybe it's because his bed is the cat's litter box and he thinks HE's the one pulling the joke on the cat.

[DGMacphee]

Dear DGMacphee,

My cat goes poop a lot. I don't mind it, and there really isn't anything unusual about it. But what I do find alarming is her need to run through the house at top speed following her bowel movement. Why is she so compelled to run into one room, stop, look at random spots in the air, turn, and run to another room, then back to the first room, after every time she poops? Is it a sign of ill health? Are tiny poop fairies plaguing her? Should I hire a priest? Thank you in advance.

Love,
Bruised Weasel

That's not poop -- You have the ghost of a cat molester in your house.

The best way to solve this is to call Peter Venkman.


"Two in the box!"
"Ready to go!"
"We be fast..."
"AND THEY BE SLOW!"

My cat used to do that too! But it doesn't anymore....

becasue now  it does its business in the garden instead, she runs through the garden at top speed following her bowel movement.

At least this is a sign of improvement. (Wow! I totally busted a rhyme!)

My cat just sneaks into my room and shits in my bed !!!

I hope it does not do it on your head. (I did it again!)

Why are you smiling about that?

Is it because his head is fat?

Maybe it's because his bed is the cat's litter box
and he thinks HE's the one pulling the joke on the cat.

"I like to wear socks," said the fox.
"And I cause trouble," said the cat in the hat.

[Hobbes]

Dear DG,

Where did you learn such an insightful way of looking at life? Was it a certain education? If so, I'm dying to get it too!

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG,

Where did you learn such an insightful way of looking at life? Was it a certain education? If so, I'm dying to get it too!

TO-GA! TO-GA! TO-GA!

[Squinky]

Dear Dg,

If you were all cool like, say....wolverine and you had to fight some angry supergroup called something like "The angry fighting four!"....Do you think you could do it, or would you probably piss your pants?

[Raggit]

Mr. Macphee,

Every time i fart i feel a burning sensation.  Why?

[DGMacphee]

Dear Dg,

If you were all cool like, say....wolverine and you had to fight some angry supergroup called something like "The angry fighting four!"....Do you think you could do it, or would you probably piss your pants?

I'd probably wake up and realise I'd have answer another wacky-as-Nerf question from another drunk AGSer.

Mr. Macphee,

Every time i fart i feel a burning sensation.  Why?

The burning sensation will only go away if you stop lighting them.

[Felipe]

Dear DeeGee:
How can such an important topic like this one be at the bottom of the second page of the forum??

Now, to the main question that's been killing me for ages:

- Why english is a stupid language?

Let's face it:
There's no egg in the egg plant;
no Ham in the hamburger
and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
And while no one knows what is in a hot dog,
you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England;
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted; but if we examine its paradoxes
we find that quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, one goose, two geese.
So one moose, two meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, two mice; one louse, two lice,
one house, two hice?
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught,
or the grocer groce, or hammers ham?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what the heck does a humanitarian eat?!
Why do people recite at play, yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship...?
Have feet that smell and noses that run?
How can the weather be as hot as hell in one day and as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
where a house can burp up as it burns down,
and in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and a bell is only heard once it goes!
How can slim chance and fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy be opposites?

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race ar all)
That is why you get in and out of a car, and on and off a bus.
When the stars are out they are visible,
but when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts,
but when I wind up this post, it ends...?

[Ben]

Hey, you stole that from Ann Landers.. Or that Or that guy who makes fun of people who can't write.

[remixor]

blah blah blah?

A better question would be "Who cares?"

[DGMacphee]

Dear DeeGee:
How can such an important topic like this one be at the bottom of the second page of the forum??

Because the joke died -- Thanks sooooo much for resurrecting it.

(In case you can't tell, I'M BEING SARCASTIC!)

- Why english is a stupid language?

Let's face it:
There's no egg in the egg plant;
no Ham in the hamburger
and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
And while no one knows what is in a hot dog,
you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England;
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted; but if we examine its paradoxes
we find that quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, one goose, two geese.
So one moose, two meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, two mice; one louse, two lice,
one house, two hice?
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught,
or the grocer groce, or hammers ham?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what the heck does a humanitarian eat?!
Why do people recite at play, yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship...?
Have feet that smell and noses that run?
How can the weather be as hot as hell in one day and as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
where a house can burp up as it burns down,
and in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and a bell is only heard once it goes!
How can slim chance and fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy be opposites?

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race ar all)
That is why you get in and out of a car, and on and off a bus.
When the stars are out they are visible,
but when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts,
but when I wind up this post, it ends...?

The answer you seek is on this page:

http://www.goatse.cx/

Hey, you stole that from Ann Landers.. Or that Or that guy who makes fun of people who can't write.

Ann Landers will soon end up prison and will get gangbanged by Martha Stewart, so it's better to ask me anyway.

blah blah blah?

A better question would be "Who cares?"

DG always cares about every living creature.

DICKHEAD!

[Matt Brown]

goatse?


oh god no

[DGMacphee]

goatse?


oh god no

Hell fucking yes!

[earlwood]

DG, While the hell did you not put a warning on that link!!?!?!! I have  In School Suspestion now for 8 weeks!

[Panda_at_school]

Hey, I told you so. Goatse.cx = mucho disgusting-o.

[DGMacphee]

DG, While the hell did you not put a warning on that link!!?!?!! I have  In School Suspestion now for 8 weeks!

Fine, I'll add a warning and here it is:

Warning, don't look at the above link if you're a crybaby.

Honestly though, if you open a webpage with a name like  goatse.cx at school you deserve your ISS.

I mean, if a friend of yours sent a page called www.ifuckdeadbodies.com, would you open it?

Considering your current situation, I'd say a big fat YES -- Not only that, but you'd probably try to blame it on me again, you sneaky bastard!

Man, it so easy for people to blame their own idiocy on others -- no wonder we have fat people trying to sue McDonalds for making them disgusting lardasses!

[AGA]

That link's invalid, DG...

[DGMacphee]

That link's invalid, DG...

Give it time -- Someone will take it eventually.

[Bruisied]

Dear DGMacphee,
You are a fraud. Upon learning your theory (my cat is being attacked by a cat molester ghost thing) I decided to consult the famous psychic John Edwards. He said it was not a cat molester. He said it was my dead aunt Mildred. She was trying to tell me not to worry about the money (there's a squabble among me and my cousins over her inheritance) and that Mildred loved me very much.

You need to lock this topic, and stop decieving good honest people.

Thank you,
Melia

[DGMacphee]

Dear DGMacphee,
You are a fraud. Upon learning your theory (my cat is being attacked by a cat molester ghost thing) I decided to consult the famous psychic John Edwards. He said it was not a cat molester. He said it was my dead aunt Mildred. She was trying to tell me not to worry about the money (there's a squabble among me and my cousins over her inheritance) and that Mildred loved me very much.

You need to lock this topic, and stop decieving good honest people.

Thank you,
Melia

Also, John Edwards is a pansy!

[bruisied]

Dear DGMacphee,
What is You are a fraud? What is Upon learning your theory (my cat is being attacked by a cat molester ghost thing) I decided to consult the famous psychic John Edwards? What is He said it was not a cat molester? He said it was my dead aunt Mildred? What is She was trying to tell me not to worry about the money (there's a squabble among me and my cousins over her inheritance) and that Mildred loved me very much?

What is You need to lock this topic, and stop decieving good honest people?

Thank you?
Melia

[DGMacphee]

Dear DGMacphee,
What is You are a fraud? What is Upon learning your theory (my cat is being attacked by a cat molester ghost thing) I decided to consult the famous psychic John Edwards? What is He said it was not a cat molester? He said it was my dead aunt Mildred? What is She was trying to tell me not to worry about the money (there's a squabble among me and my cousins over her inheritance) and that Mildred loved me very much?

What is You need to lock this topic, and stop decieving good honest people?

Thank you?
Melia

What is it about people who can't write proper English?

[DGMacphee]

What is it about people who can't write proper English?

I'm glad you asked this question, DG.

Some people just think they're so damn clever putting a "What is" in front of everything they say.

Sadly, they don't realise that they come off looking like illiterate bungholes.

What's worse that this, though, are those people who try to use some kid of self-referencing humour, like replying to themselves in a Tech Support thread.

In other words, you're a bigger fuckwit than Bruisied is!

[DGMacphee]

YOU JUDGEMENTAL PRICK!!!

[Haddas]

Why are some people Numb-Nuts and what does it mean
??!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?
!!??!?!?!!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!??!
?!?!?!?!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?
?!?!??!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?!??
!?!?!!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!??
!?!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!??
?!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?!!??!?!
?!!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
?!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!
??!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?!!??!?!
?!!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
?!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!
??!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?!!??!?!
?!!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!??
!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?!!??!?!?!!
?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??
!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!??!?!
!??!?

[DGMacphee]

Why are some people Numb-Nuts and what does it mean
??!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?
!!??!?!?!!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!??!
?!?!?!?!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?
?!?!??!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?!??
!?!?!!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!??
!?!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!??
?!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?!!??!?!
?!!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
?!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!
??!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?!!??!?!
?!!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
?!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!
??!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?!!??!?!
?!!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!??
!?!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??!?!??!??!??!?!??!?!!??!!??!?!!??!?!?!!
?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??
!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!??!?!
!??!?

I think you just answered your own question.

[Domino]

hey DG,

what do you think is the best computer processor in the world. Does my intel celeron 500 suck? Should i upgrade or buy a new computer?

BG

[DGMacphee]

Over a 180 posts and someone decides to ask an actual tech support question???

WHY NOW?

[Evil]

Over a 180 posts and someone decides to ask an actual tech support question???

WHY NOW?

BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE YOUR HANDS UP YOUR TROUTS ARSE'S TWENTY FOUR SEVEn!!!!!111118SADFL


Oh, sorry. Forgot who I was for a second...

[DGMacphee]

Over a 180 posts and someone decides to ask an actual tech support question???

WHY NOW?

BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE YOUR HANDS UP YOUR TROUTS ARSE'S TWENTY FOUR SEVEn!!!!!111118SADFL


Oh, sorry. Forgot who I was for a second...

Well, you sure showed me.

[Haddas]

I'm Napoleon

[Nacho]

Dear DG MacPhee:

Why Xmas is so depressing for many of us?

Why do we accept the red dressed Santa Claus? It was invented by Coca-Cola in the past Century! We should fight againt this capitalist enviroment!!!11!

[Domino]

Dear DG,

Why does my apartment smell like a bowling alley. I mean there are no lanes and i don't see any bowlers here, yet it smells like a league just left. oh please help.

what does DG stand for anyways??

[Haddas]

DG = Dick Girl
(Don't tell DG that I told you, mkay? )

[DGMacphee]

Dear DG MacPhee:

Why Xmas is so depressing for many of us?

Why do we accept the red dressed Santa Claus? It was invented by Coca-Cola in the past Century! We should fight againt this capitalist enviroment!!!11!

It's better than celebrating the birth of Jesus, which we all know was a creation of Nike.

Dear DG,

Why does my apartment smell like a bowling alley. I mean there are no lanes and i don't see any bowlers here, yet it smells like a league just left. oh please help.

I ain't going to help -- Clean your own fucking mess, you slob!

what does DG stand for anyways??

What do you want it to stand for, sailor?  

DG = Dick Girl
(Don't tell DG that I told you, mkay? )

Well, next time don't put it in brackets, genius!

[Pumaman]

Dear DG,

Why were the boys of the NYPD choir singing Colwin Bay?

[DGMacphee]

[Felipe'smodemsucks]

Mr. Macphee, sorry for resurrecting such a boooooring thread, but, I have this question that's being killing me for ages and...
Well, it's something that made me lose many days (and nights) just thinking about it...

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends???

...

P.S. Not only (re)visiting goatse.cx made me puke, but it didn't answer my question at all, either.

[Joelman]

dear Dirt Golem,
supposing one well surpassed the measurements one long aforementioned chart, like pg 2. would said person then have the right to gloat?
also
I was recently declared a diety by an attractive female of the species, however she has a boyfriend. how should i kill him? should I summon thunderbolts? shall i strangle him with a wet shoelace in a public restroom stall?
also also
supposing i were to take over the world, what percentage of income should I demand of peasants as "breathing Joel's air tax"?
Joelman, hes not taking over the world i swear

[DGMacphee]

Mr. Macphee, sorry for resurrecting such a boooooring thread, but, I have this question that's being killing me for ages and...

That's okay -- I really love answering such boooooring questions.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends???

It's just like you hanging around your friends -- you make them look better.

dear Dirt Golem,
supposing one well surpassed the measurements one long aforementioned chart, like pg 2. would said person then have the right to gloat?
also
I was recently declared a diety by an attractive female of the species, however she has a boyfriend. how should i kill him? should I summon thunderbolts? shall i strangle him with a wet shoelace in a public restroom stall?
also also
supposing i were to take over the world, what percentage of income should I demand of peasants as "breathing Joel's air tax"?
Joelman, hes not taking over the world i swear

I think you should close your browser and get back to school.

Christ, why can't 14 year olds just stay in school instead of getting high and writing about their "measurements" on (out of all things) an adventure game forum?

Shit, if you really had the measurements you describe and are actually taking over the world, what the fuck are you doing hanging around here, genius?

I'd at least be porking girls and demanding ransom from the President of the US.

Thats why you are not a diety, but a liar.


WOO -- 200 POSTS!!

[Domino]

Hello again DG,

Which game is better, Grand Theft Auto 3 or Grand Theft Auto: Vice City?

I have both, but wanted to know your favorite.

oh by the way, what do you think of the movie The Princess Bride?

BG

[DGMacphee]

Hello again DG,

Which game is better, Grand Theft Auto 3 or Grand Theft Auto: Vice City?

I have both, but wanted to know your favorite.

GREAT SCOTT, GHORMAK -- http://www.bash.org/?122856

oh by the way, what do you think of the movie The Princess Bride?

"Just one last question..."

[Joelman]

lol this thread kicks ass